The Pizza Break-up
When food ended a relationship
Claudia and Rudy had been dating for only two weeks but they were already madly in love. It was love at first sight, love at first date. Something like that. The chemistry was phenomenal. They could not keep their hands off each other and they spent every minute together that they could.
Rudy had never been so attracted to anyone in his life. He never felt so good being with someone. He was convinced that Claudia was his soul-mate. Most of his relationships only lasted a month or two or three but he could easily see himself spending the rest of his life with Claudia.
They were so compatible. They liked the same kind of food, the same kind of movies, the same TV shows, the same books, the same colors, the same interior design motifs, the same philosophies and politics. They were perfectly in sync when they danced. They were both cat people. And they were already finishing each other’s sentences.
The one thing they had not yet done together, though, was eat pizza. From work one day Rudy telephoned Claudia and invited her over to his place for pizza that evening.
“Oooh, goodie! I love pizza. I can’t believe we’ve never eaten pizza together before. I’ll be over right after work. Can’t wait to see ya.”
“Me, too.”
After Rudy turned off the phone a horrible, dreadful thought exploded in his noggin. What if they did not like the same pizza toppings? What if she hated all the toppings that he loved and what if he hated all the toppings that she loved? They had been meshing so perfectly together. Would pizza toppings be the wedge to finally come between them? Rudy was suddenly on the verge of panicking.
Looking up at the ceiling lights in his office, Rudy silently prayed to God, “Please, please don’t let her be a fan of anchovies.”
After Claudia arrived at Rudy’s apartment he opened a bottle of wine and they prepared to order the pizza. Rudy was very worried but as they discussed toppings he was overjoyed to realize that they both loved the exact same toppings. It was obviously another sign that they were meant to be together.
After the pizza was ordered Claudia and Rudy sat at the table drinking wine and kissing and fondling. They were in romantic heaven.
Eventually, the doorbell rang. The pizza had arrived.
Everything then went downhill.
Rudy placed the pizza box in the middle of the table and opened the lid. He then went into the kitchen for plates and flatware. As he headed back to the table he saw that Claudia had already grabbed a slice of pizza and had taken a bite.
“Oh, I just love pizza. This is so delicious!”
She took another bite as Rudy put a plate and a knife and fork on the table in front of her. He then sat down with his plate and knife and fork and put a slice of pizza on his plate. Picking up his knife and fork he cut a piece of pizza and put it in his mouth. He then looked at Claudia and saw that she was staring at him with her mouth open and her eyes bulged out.”
“Oh my God! You eat pizza with a knife and fork? What kind of a fucking weirdo are you? Are you out of your mind? Don’t you know that pizza is supposed to be eaten with your hands? What’s wrong with you?”
“Wa… wa… what do you mean? This is how I always eat pizza.”
“You’ve got to be kidding. I don’t fucking believe it! I… Oh my God! You probably eat spaghetti with a knife and fork, too. Well do you?”
Rudy lowered his head, “Yeah. Okay, I know that you’re supposed to twirl the spaghetti with your fork then put a big blob of it in your mouth with noodles and sauce dripping down your chin but that is just so disgusting and savage and uncivilized that I just can’t bring myself to do it.”
Claudia’s chair scraped back over the floor as she stood up. She then walked to the little table by the front door and slung her purse over her shoulder. Turning, she spoke with a very stern voice, “I just can’t believe this. Do you realize we could never eat pizza or spaghetti out with friends because you would embarrass me so much? I just can’t be with someone like you. Rudy, it’s over!”
She turned the doorknob and opened the door just a few inches. Stopping, she then returned to the table where she took a sip of wine and picked up the slice of pizza she had started then returned to the door. With a slice of pizza in hand she left, slamming the door behind her.
With jaw dropped, Rudy sat in stunned silence for a very long time. Eventually, he took a sip of wine and picked up his knife and fork. He then proceeded to eat the entire rest of the pizza all by himself.
Copyright by White Feather. All Rights Reserved. This is a work of fiction. Complete White Feather Archive
Speaking of food…