The Panopticon Marriage Debate

Summary

The article discusses the complex nature of marriage, drawing from personal experiences and the contrasting views presented in two Medium articles by Benjamin Sledge and The Argumentative Penguin.

Abstract

The author reflects on the institution of marriage, framing it as a paradoxical blend of heaven and hell due to the imperfections of people and the world. Despite a lack of role models and a non-traditional start to their own marriage, the author and their spouse have maintained a fifty-three-year union. The piece emphasizes the importance of liking one's partner beyond love, the inevitability of change, and the value of commitment, even in the face of societal changes and alternative relationship models like polyamory. The author concludes that while marriage isn't for everyone, it remains a significant and potentially enriching experience.

Opinions

Marriage is seen as an imperfect union in an imperfect world, capable of bringing out the best and worst in people.
The author values the longevity and stability of their marriage, despite initial challenges and a lack of traditional wedding vows.
A successful marriage is attributed to mutual respect, commitment, and the ability to like each other, not just love each other.
The author believes that people do change over time, and a marriage's success can depend on how individuals deal with these changes.
Friendship and commitment in marriage are likened to the bonds formed between soldiers in combat, emphasizing the importance of loyalty and support.
The author expresses a personal aversion to polyamory, prioritizing fidelity and the potential for lifelong regret over fleeting lustful desires.
While the author sees the value in marriage, they respect that it may not be the right choice for everyone and do not advocate for it universally.

The Panopticon Marriage Debate

They both personalized their articles which I appreciate since I do that, and I’ll be doing it here. I’ve got something different to say than either of them.

A married couple, my wife and me. A few years into it, still young. Medium says it needs a picture, but it has little to do with this story except it’s married and happy about it. So here’s a picture. Did it help?

Marriage is a union of heaven and hell because it’s an imperfect world full of imperfect people. One of the major flaws is that so many have the mentality of a three-year-old worried about their sibling getting a bigger piece of the cake. Life is not fair.

Neither my wife or I grew up with Ozzi and Harriot parents to say the least. I had no role model for being a husband and father. She had no role model for being a wife or mother. At least from under our own roof. When we married there was no wedding ceremony, and we did not state any vows. We signed a logbook and got a piece of paper — legally married. A military Chaplin told me, “I’m sure that you love the girl, but these marriages never work. It’s a mixed marriage, your children will be half breeds. I suggest that you forget the whole thing and go back to the States.” We’ve been married for fifty-three years. Perfect, of course not. A union of heaven and hell. No one can hurt you like those you love. Worth it? I think so.

Our first married couple friendship was to a couple who have stayed married for the same length of time as us. We have friends with long term marriages and others who didn’t have that. To those who have it, it is precious. When she was in high school, one of our daughters told us that it was important to her that she had parents who were married and together. She had no friends who could say the same. One of those friends recently told me that we were her favorite couple.

My wife to be was a wise young woman. She tested me. Angrily blew an incident out of all proportion to see my response. She wasn’t going to marry a violent man like her father. After we had been married for a few years, she told me that she loved her other boyfriend (I knew about him), but she liked me a lot and knew that she would love me in time if we lived together. He went to ask for her hand too late. She was right, and she asked herself a question that too many people fail to ask. Do I really like this person, and with good cause. When love fades many discover that they don’t actually like their spouse. A recipe for a failed marriage. Do people change over their lifetime? Yes, but if you can’t deal with that I hope that you are not a BITFD change chanting progressive.

There is an exception to that which Benjamin will likely understand. A black man in my platoon who didn’t especially like white guys (this was the 60s) went into harm's way for me. We loved the men we served with enough to risk our lives for them, even if we didn’t especially like them. We were family or at least not fair-weather friends. A fair-weather friend is nobody’s friend. Everyone who deployed either got a Dear john or served with someone who did. Women who couldn’t wait and Jody was there to take care of that. Commitment, and the lack of it. It gave me the negative attitude that I have to this day of fair-weather friends.

Should people stay married in spite of all? We went to visit a couple that we knew before we moved away. They were a happy couple with two beautiful children when we moved. When we arrived at their home, he wasn’t there. She greeted us with a big black eye. He was awarded a bunch of money in a lawsuit and wanted to act single again. A couple of days previously he came home one night, and she bashed him in the head with a frying pan. When he got up, he punched her in the face (the shiner). When he got there, he was all about his vintage Corvette that he was restoring with original parts. No mention of his family situation as we rode in that car. They didn’t work it out. I was sad to witness that, but there is no guarantee that a marriage will be a happy one.

Marriage isn’t for everyone, but I hope that it doesn’t vanish. Family is important. Even awful ones, because like combat, marriage and family can bring out the best and worse in us. The people who can be their best in the worst of times are the most praiseworthy humans. At least as I see it.

Polyamory? Sorry Penguin, not for me. Are there women that I love who are sexually desirable? Of course. I may have even had Jimmy Carter moments and thought of them while “dancing” with my wife. You can quote scripture to me, but I’m a marginal Buddhist. But I think it would be hurtful to the woman I love most to do it, lust can stay in my heart. It would be painful to me to bring pain to her. Lust fulfilled and a lifetime of regret is not something I seek. I have no control over thoughts and lustful desire, but I do have some control over my response to it.

Marriage has been right for me. I got something available no place else. But if it’s not for others, I have no missionary instincts.