The Pacifist Demon

That I live with

There is a demon that occasionally steps into my being and takes over. When it does I have no power to kick it out. It takes complete control over me and I become nothing but an observer as I watch it take over my mind, body, and soul.

This demon has been with me for as long as I can remember. I remember it showing up on school playgrounds when I was a kid. It showed up a lot in my teens and twenties but only occasionally in later years. Now that I am officially an old fart it has not shown up in many years.

But I know it is still there, ready to step in at any moment.

Not once in my entire life has a human fist ever smashed into my face. Never have I been physically assaulted in any way. As a child I never received any corporal punishment. I endured mental and emotional assaults but never, ever physical punishment. I have never physically fought another human being nor struck an animal. I never spanked my daughter and I certainly have never struck a woman. I don’t even kill spiders. I catch them in an empty Grey Poupon jar then take them outside to set them free.

In eighth grade gym class I vehemently refused to participate in the ‘sport’ of wrestling. I was a conscientious objector. After calling me a pussy, the coach made me go stand in a corner and he gave me a D- for the semester.

Back when the draft was still on during the Vietnam War there was no doubt in my mind that when I received my draft notice that I would ceremoniously burn it and accept whatever punishment that would bring. (I also had secret plans to go to Canada but didn’t have the money for the long trip.)

I was a conscientious objector to all violence. I am a pacifist and always have been.

I say this with only a tiny smidgeon of pride. Mostly what I feel is extreme luck that I haven’t been beaten into a bloody pulp. Besides, while I am just a simple pacifist I know that the demon inside me takes pacifism to extreme levels. Compared to that demon I am just a scaredy cat.

The details are not important but once I found myself out in the woods camping with seven very tall and very large and muscular black men. I had only known them for a few weeks but they had known each other since childhood. They were very close friends.

One evening, as the campfire crackled, two of these men got into an argument. They were screaming and cussing and soon were in each other’s faces with their fists raised.

That is when it happened. I could feel my pacifist demon enter my body. It is a rather creepy feeling. It literally felt like someone was forcing themselves into me.

The next thing I knew I was standing up and walking over to the two gentlemen. I stepped directly between them! Compared to them I was just a scrawny little white guy. I said, “Listen, I know you guys are really pissed at each other right now and you no doubt want to release your emotions through physical violence. But instead of beating each other up I invite you to beat me up instead. Let your anger out on me. I promise I won’t hit you back. I’ll take whatever you’ve got to give. Instead of taking your anger out on each other you can release it in a way that you two can remain friends.”

The two men looked at me. Their eyes and fists froze. Without saying anything they just kept staring at me — like I was an enchilada, two tacos, a chimichanga, and a sopapilla short of an El Presidente Platter.

My pacifist demon was cool as a cucumber. If I still had control of my body I would have been shaking in my boots.

Finally, the two men averted their eyes and turned to walk away from each other. My pacifist demon then left my body at which point I almost fainted.

Those seven dudes never again invited me to hang out with them.

Another time I was walking merrily home from work down an alleyway. I’ve always enjoyed walking down alleyways. It’s usually quieter than walking on the street in front of houses. Plus I get to say hello to all the dogs in the backyards of homes.

As I began passing a backyard that was surrounded by a tall wooden fence a gate in that fence opened up and a woman came running out into the alleyway. A big burly man was right behind her chasing her. He quickly caught up to her and threw her to the ground then commenced to beat on her as he yelled at her. From what he said I surmised that the woman owed him some money for some drugs. He was apparently trying to beat the money out of her.

My pacifist demon very quickly entered my body and I walked right up to the man, saying, “Excuse me.”

The man stopped beating the woman and stood upright, staring at me.

“I realize that you are extremely angry and frustrated right now but instead of taking out your anger with physical violence with this woman — something no man must ever do — why don’t you take it out on me. I promise I won’t hit you back.”

Meanwhile, the woman managed to crawl around the man’s legs, get up, and run away.

The man was practically foaming at the mouth as he stared at me. He then turned around to see that the woman had gotten away. Turning back to me he yelled, “What kind of a fucking asshole are you?!”

He then turned and walked back to the gate in the fence, yelling obscenities the whole way.

My pacifist demon then left my body and once again I almost fainted.

There are a few more examples of times my pacifist demon took over possession of me but I think everyone gets the idea. I had always been afraid of this demon because I just knew that some day he would get my pretty face bashed in. But it has never happened.

It is such a bizarre experience to have a demon take you over; to have something or someone who is not me enter me and take full possession of me. I don’t particularly care for it. But I don’t seem to have any control over it.

Is the demon some kind of karmic retribution for that past-life back in the 1800s when I was a maniacal warrior who brutally killed hundreds of people? Or does it have to do with that life back in Persia well over a thousand years ago when I was an extreme pacifist who attempted to teach pacifism to the people? Was it something from the future?

I don’t know. I have no idea where this demon comes from. While I am a simple pacifist in this life, the demon was not born in this life. It comes from somewhere else.

Although I know it is a total oxymoron, I tend to think of this demon as a very violent pacifist. It takes pacifism to ridiculous extremes. It exudes pacifism so forcefully that others are completely infused with it. Is this some bizarre kind of love? If it is can I even call it a demon? Is it some kind of angel or something?

And if it is indeed an angel am I the one who is a demon?

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Speaking of peace…