The One Thing To Never Optimize
In a world where self-improvement is all about optimizing, there are things that should never be optimized.
Pandemic years of socializing were a huge game-changer for many people. You could opt-out of conversations with a simple click of an X button, and you wouldn’t have to worry about dealing with lingering or filler pleasantries.
On top of that, you don’t even need to turn on your camera which is perfect for people who are camera shy or they look like a total mess.
On top of that, one other “hack” you can do to keep conversations brief — and save money — is to stick to Zoom’s free trial. This free trial allows up to 40 minutes of free calling before it kicks you off, regardless of what’s going on.
All in all, conversations via these online meeting platforms have become incredibly efficient now. In the cases of meetings, this can be a huge boon as for years people have been complaining about pointless and frequent meetings taking up too much time.
But what about the conversations we have on there beyond our meetings? The conditions that the pandemic have put us in with regards to conversations is efficient but not always what we need.
Meaningful Relationships On The Decline
Before the pandemic even started, there was a decline in meaningful relations as number of people in social isolation started to grow. A 2019 survey found that about 61 percent of Americans felt lonely.
Paired with the fact that it’s much harder to make friends as an adult than as a kid, we’re also dealing with other massive barriers to meeting new people and making friends:
- As we grow older, we inherently distrust new people.
- And we don’t have the time to make a commitment to growing a relationship.
There are several other factors that get in the way, but the video meeting standards that were created through the pandemic make matters worse. Sure we can get a bit of a social fill from these meetings, but the efficiency — or our desire to be efficient with them — can result in having less meaningful conversations.
Those attitudes could be spurred by the fact that we don’t completely trust the other person. This can also be spurred on through the pandemic. We don’t know who will catch the virus and so we want to avoid people. Furthermore, we don’t want to be hugging or shaking hands with other people which does build up trust and amicability.
The overall environment that we’ve created either in response to a massive change or by design results in us being less socially active compared to what we were like as kids.
Instead of having close friends, we opt for casual acquaintances who fulfil our social needs but don’t require us to really get to know people.
There Is Some Silver Lining
As bleak as our social circles are turning, there are some benefits to culling certain relationships and keeping small social circles. The self-improvement gurus have pointed out several reasons and they are sound arguments.
- It’s difficult to keep up with everything in your life is you say yes to everyone and everything.
- Overextending yourself can result in a lot of stress, less time for yourself, and put a strain on the relationships you’re trying to build.
- Some relationships can turn toxic and lingering in those relationships can lead to you regressing, getting stuck on your goals, or cause other problems if the person is a narcissist or abusive.
- Some relationships aren’t worth it if you’re not getting any benefit from them.
Those points can also be further reinforced by the fact that those same gurus encourage solitary activities that can create a lot of joy. More people picked up gardening, reading, or some other hobbies.
In those situations it’s easy to say that you don’t need the social connection and instead prefer to be doing things on your own and not having to be around people.
Yes, people do have their preferences and while it’s great to be finding joy in things you can do on your own.
But with people the way they are now, I’m curious if people are saying no to going out for a coffee with someone or missing out on some social event because they genuinely don’t want to be going, or if it’s because they are so wrapped up in the self-improvement “gotta optimize everything in your life” mantra that so many people push.
Have We Become Too Productive?
The ultimate measure of success is the achievements that we have and how often we choose to be productive over being a person. This is what a lot of productivity articles and the gurus who push this want for us.
This is what so many corporations want for us. To be as productive as possible and to be overworking yourself or working hard.
They will come up with all kinds of fancy tricks or methods that can provide you with some relief in order to boost your efficiency while you work too. And that’s all well and good.
But the problem that so many productivity articles and gurus forget is that we’re human. There is more to our lives than just work.
The environment that we’ve been in has been optimized for us to ensure that we’re able to keep on working. Setting aside the other parts that make us human or worse, have the same kind of optimization techniques apply to those parts too.
During the pandemic, people who had a lot of privilege were able to streamline their entire lives around this:
- Nearly every grocery store now has curbside pick-up or groceries delivered right to your door.
- We now have more robust fitness programs that you can do at home with virtual coaches encouraging you. That or you can easily get equipment delivered to you so you can workout whenever.
- For many of us, lunch is at our kitchen table which also serves as our desk.
- And when you needed those virtual interactions, you can easily slot them into a calendar and have them for half-hour increments.
I get it. This environment was needed during the pandemic. There is a deadly virus floating around and we needed to do something to protect ourselves. And if you’re a parent, your parental instincts kicked in and you wanted to protect them while also dealing with random school closures.
But with everyone wanting their lives to be returning back to normal, it’ll be interesting to see how much that environment that we’ve been in for 2 years has changed our way of thinking.
We’re essentially at a crossroads now where social interactions are starting to become more prominent now. Businesses are calling for people to come back to their offices and for many, they’re left with the decision of what pandemic habits to hold and what to drop.
Considering what our environment was like on a social level and how obsessed we are with working, I believe many will be pushed into keeping most of the habits these environments have created.
We’re Better Off Rebuilding
In that scenario, it’s tempting to be sticking to all of those habits. It’s even harder to let that go if you’ve been getting all the things on your to-do list done quickly, and you’ve got time to relax and do some meaningful activities on your own.
But one of the things with productivity that isn’t talked about is that when things are going really well, it becomes harder for us to change our ways. We get comfortable with doing nothing to change our situation.
After all, to the productivity gurus and self-improvement bros, we’ve reached the pinnacle of productivity. We’re doing the right thing in this situation.
Right?
Not really. Because in your pursuit of being the most productive person, your time spent building and rebuilding friendships can be so easily cannibalized.
This isn’t to say that you need to dismantle everything that you’ve built, but it’s important to recognize how important it is to work on other parts of our lives.
And more importantly how hyper-focusing in one area can accelerate it but cause so many problems in other parts of our lives.
The science is clear that the friendships that we have are necessary for both our mental health and physical health. Furthermore, even though meaningful relationships are not productive or efficient, they can be instrumental long term.
The act of making new friends or making connections involves so many inefficiencies, the productivity gurus would have heart attacks over:
- You got to spend hours of your time hanging out with that person.
- You need to spend your hard earned cash getting and preparing food, and drinks. Worse, you may be doing all of this for people you can’t even connect with.
- You need to travel to unfamiliar places or homes at particular times, even when you’re not in the mood for making friends
- You need to spend time commuting to social spots like a gym or a park rather than working out at home.
- And you even have to maintain any and all existing friendships which demand time, potentially more money, and energy. And you might not get anything at all out of it.
From looking at that list alone, it’s clear that if people want to optimize their lives, they’re better off procrastinating and pushing that stuff away. It’s easier to get that social fix by playing some games, doing some gardening, or getting lost in a book.
But I’d say it’s worth reducing the time from that and spending more time putting effort into that list above. Because when you’re thinking about the long-term, it’s better to have those bonds and to nurture those bonds.
It comes back to the idea that I’ve heard a handful of times in my journey:
“If you were to die tomorrow, who do you think would show up to your funeral?”
As grim as it is, it does raise an important point.
If you spend your time being efficient in every part of your life, not only will you have fewer relationships or people to turn to when things get tough, but you won’t have people who really know you.
There isn’t a deep and meaningful connection and in the end, people might not miss you all that much.
It’s Better To Have Meaningful Relationships
When you have those near-death experiences or situations where you need other people around, it helps to have those deep and meaningful relationships. Because at the end of the day, when you’re in those situations, how much money you have in your bank account or how hard you worked doesn’t really matter.
What does is the time you spent to be investing in a community and building relations.
Even if it’s been years since you’ve attempted those activities above, there are several ways to be making those things happen. For one, it’s important to note that while loneliness and isolation build on themselves, community and friendships do as well.
So just getting out and meeting more people will inherently expand your social skills and your confidence.
What this means is you need to be able to make that first step and that can take the form in so many ways.
- It can be asking your neighbour to go for a walk.
- Taking a co-worker out for an after-work drink.
- Making a dinner date with a friend you haven’t talked to in a while.
- Going to a billiard bar with someone you just met.
- Meeting someone up for coffee at a cafe.
Small things like that do take time out of your day for sure, but even when leading up to those things, you’ll still feel a sense of joy and gladness that you’re there, and you’ll be glad after you’ve gone and done it too.
Even if you don’t end up jiving all that well, there is still those silver linings.
Is there a lot of joy to be had on your own? Absolutely. If you’re an introvert, you especially love being alone and not having to deal with people. However, part of what makes us human is the fact other people are around us. We are still social creatures at the end of the day and these things are valuable in their own way.
Our obsession with optimization has resulted in us being too optimized over every part of our lives. While it’s important for us to be productive and getting to where we wish to go, we still need to remind ourselves that we are human and there are other parts of our lives that are important to work on.
A purposeful life isn’t where we’re masters over one aspect of our lives. It’s about being able to balance everything and ensure everything in our lives is being nurtured. Even if it means spending more time in an area on the short-term, it is bound to be worth it long term.
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