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rds sympathy and empathy of their partner and their own self-perceived victim status. Micromanipulations are intentional ways of redirecting the narrative and regaining control over the other person’s thoughts and feelings. These brief comments are made in passing or casual conversation, meant to hit heavy and unexpectedly and require the victim to go back to the manipulator for clarification.”</blockquote>One example of this is your ex (or partner) posting a status on social media that they’re having a rough time, but when you reach out to them and talk to them they say “you weren’t supposed to see that.” or some equivalent.Another is your partner sending a message directly saying they're struggling and then subsequently deleting the message after saying the message was “meant for someone else.”Another sneaky tactic is a friend jumping into a conversation and stating they have a doctor’s appointment coming up for some unknown, but a potentially serious medical issue. This tactic usually gets other people angry that they barged into a conversation, but then it triggers empathy eventually turning to worry or regret over the brief anger you felt over the situation.<h1 id="d3a8">Everyone Is A Narcissist To Some Extent</h1>Narcissism isn’t an entirely bad thing, after all, we display narcissist traits at one point or another. Inflated egos, a sense of self-centeredness, entitlement, a need for excessive admiration.It’s a condition that changes according to our personality types but also from life events and circumstances.On the narcissist scale, Narcissist Personality Disorder (NPD) is rare too, <a href="https://www.sane.org/information-stories/the-sane-blog/mental-illness/is-narcissism-common-the-answer-may-surprise-you">and it’s most commonly found in men</a>. NPD is more likely to surface though when someone:<ul><li>Engages in risky behaviour</li><li>Holds an unrealistic and superior view of themselves</li><li>Displays over-confidence</li><li>Has little empathy for other people</li><li>And has little shame or guilt for their action

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s or words.</li></ul>These traits show themselves in different ways depending on the person. However, in the context of relationships, they can appear as a compulsive need for attention or affirmation, feeling entitled and using controlling tactics often.It also is difficult to spot it early on as narcissism does have positive effects for relationships too.<a href="https://psychopathology.imedpub.com/an-examination-of-the-dark-triad-constructs-with-regard-to-prosocial-behavior.php?aid=21881">A 2018 report from the University of Louisiana</a> found that narcissists, including manipulators and psychopaths, are still capable of displaying care towards people. The catch is that display of caring sticks around for as long as they see a benefit in doing this.You’ve also got “prosocial narcissists” who aren’t so much manipulators as people who are driven for other people to like them. Instead of focusing their efforts on controlling people, they become people who are fun to be around and get satisfaction from people being positive towards them.<h1 id="cd71">How To Properly Handle Micromanipulation</h1>Whatever form manipulation has it always involves emotions. As such, it’s important that — whether this is a friend, family member, partner, or ex — you separate what’s happening and your own emotional responses.If someone you know has narcissistic traits and it feels like they are manipulating you, distance yourself a bit and start looking at their behaviour.The goal is to build a picture of toxic “micromanipulations” for what they really are — subtle controlling tactics — and to look for healthier grounds.If you found this article helpful, <a href="https://ericsburdon.medium.com/subscribe">subscribe to my email list here and receive emails whenever I publish on Medium</a>! Or if you’re new to Medium and wish to support my work, <a href="https://ericsburdon.medium.com/membership">consider being a Medium member and get access to all current posts from me and hundreds of other writers</a>!</article></body>

How To Spot Micromanipulation

A covert tactic used by narcissists in arguments to control other people.

In your everyday relationships, it’s natural for people to ask for attention or for sympathy for their problems. But these everyday tools take on a problematic turn when you are dealing with a narcissist.

Narcissists will commonly rely on these tools in order to have the attention focused on them, but according to a new article on the topic of narcissists, they use other tactics to keep in control of relationships:

Micromanipulation.

Professor Kristy Lee Hochenberger explains in the article how “narcissists cannot accept the fact that another person does not want to be with them.” So whenever they even get the slightest hint that their partner is pulling away, they will put in more effort to bring them back.

That information isn’t anything new. Narcissists will partake in direct manipulation — threatening self-harm, committing the act, lying, fear tactics, etc. — all of the time to keep control.

What is new is what happens when those direct manipulation tactics don’t work. Hochenberger discovered that narcissists will turn to micromanipulation. As the name suggests it’s manipulation that is very subtle and difficult to spot.

What Is Micromanipulation?

As Hochenberger writes:

“Micromanipulations are more geared towards sympathy and empathy of their partner and their own self-perceived victim status. Micromanipulations are intentional ways of redirecting the narrative and regaining control over the other person’s thoughts and feelings. These brief comments are made in passing or casual conversation, meant to hit heavy and unexpectedly and require the victim to go back to the manipulator for clarification.”

One example of this is your ex (or partner) posting a status on social media that they’re having a rough time, but when you reach out to them and talk to them they say “you weren’t supposed to see that.” or some equivalent.

Another is your partner sending a message directly saying they're struggling and then subsequently deleting the message after saying the message was “meant for someone else.”

Another sneaky tactic is a friend jumping into a conversation and stating they have a doctor’s appointment coming up for some unknown, but a potentially serious medical issue. This tactic usually gets other people angry that they barged into a conversation, but then it triggers empathy eventually turning to worry or regret over the brief anger you felt over the situation.

Everyone Is A Narcissist To Some Extent

Narcissism isn’t an entirely bad thing, after all, we display narcissist traits at one point or another. Inflated egos, a sense of self-centeredness, entitlement, a need for excessive admiration.

It’s a condition that changes according to our personality types but also from life events and circumstances.

On the narcissist scale, Narcissist Personality Disorder (NPD) is rare too, and it’s most commonly found in men. NPD is more likely to surface though when someone:

Engages in risky behaviour
Holds an unrealistic and superior view of themselves
Displays over-confidence
Has little empathy for other people
And has little shame or guilt for their actions or words.

These traits show themselves in different ways depending on the person. However, in the context of relationships, they can appear as a compulsive need for attention or affirmation, feeling entitled and using controlling tactics often.

It also is difficult to spot it early on as narcissism does have positive effects for relationships too.

A 2018 report from the University of Louisiana found that narcissists, including manipulators and psychopaths, are still capable of displaying care towards people. The catch is that display of caring sticks around for as long as they see a benefit in doing this.

You’ve also got “prosocial narcissists” who aren’t so much manipulators as people who are driven for other people to like them. Instead of focusing their efforts on controlling people, they become people who are fun to be around and get satisfaction from people being positive towards them.

How To Properly Handle Micromanipulation

Whatever form manipulation has it always involves emotions. As such, it’s important that — whether this is a friend, family member, partner, or ex — you separate what’s happening and your own emotional responses.

If someone you know has narcissistic traits and it feels like they are manipulating you, distance yourself a bit and start looking at their behaviour.

The goal is to build a picture of toxic “micromanipulations” for what they really are — subtle controlling tactics — and to look for healthier grounds.

If you found this article helpful, subscribe to my email list here and receive emails whenever I publish on Medium! Or if you’re new to Medium and wish to support my work, consider being a Medium member and get access to all current posts from me and hundreds of other writers!