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on the beach where slabs of flat rock formed perfect sunbathing spots between areas of scorching white sand. The scent of sunscreen wafted around us in the salty breeze, and I knew I’d need to slather my bluey-white, easy-burn English skin.</p><p id="1d09">We walked through the topless section to the full-on nudist beach, and as first-timers, it was hard to know where to look. We tried not to stare at anyone — at least I tried. Bev seemed fascinated and would occasionally let out a snort of laughter. She even pointed a couple of times. I was mortified and wished I’d had a big cardboard sign to hold up saying, “I am so <i>so</i> sorry!!!”</p><p id="df49">As we walked along, I was startled by a sound nearby and looked up to see a large, swarthy man slapping his hand lazily on the rock beside him like a beached walrus. He was wearing nothing but a lecherous grin and gesturing to us to come and join him.</p><p id="ab4e">Horrified, I pretended not to notice and continued walking, not knowing if my face was burning from sunburn or embarrassment. Bev, of course, was beside herself with uncontrollable laughter.</p><p id="e1ef">After a while, we realized we could only see male bodies, and some were looking at us disapprovingly. We quickly got the message and turned back the way we came. In the mixed beach area, we looked for a suitably sheltered spot to sunbathe.</p><p id="d361">And this is when Bev uttered the fateful words, and I discovered the all-time, number one, worst possible thing you can do on a nudist beach.</p><p id="95da" type="7">“Gilly!” I’ve lost my sunglasses!”</p><p id="465d">“Oh, Bev — noooo,” I groaned, “how can we find your sunglasses without people thinking we’re staring at them?”</p><p id="1d05">“Well, I can’t afford to buy new sunglasses, and I’m not leaving this beach without them,” said my determined friend.</p><p id="2577">We walked back the way we came — me with my head down, eyes surreptitiously sweeping the ground near my feet, not daring to look too far to the left or right.</p><p id="81ec">Bev scurried back and forth all over the beach unselfconsciously, peering closely at everything and everyone in her path, examining every nook and cranny. Apparently, she was searching a bit t

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oo carefully as people started hissing angrily and motioning for us to hurry past. “Bev, stop it, “ I begged, “you’re going to get us killed!”</p><p id="e85f">We never did find the sunglasses, and I was enormously relieved to reach the path back to the ferry. Next time I’m confronted with a choice of <b>Beach</b> or <b>Nudist Beach</b>, I’ll choose the regular beach; thank you very much.</p><h1 id="a549">Top tip and note to self</h1><p id="3f01">If you ever lose track of your better judgement and allow a crazy friend to persuade you to visit a nudist beach — for goodness sake, take a spare pair of sunglasses!</p><p id="f84a">Thanks for reading! If you’d like to get an email when I publish, please<a href="https://gill-mcculloch.medium.com/subscribe"> subscribe here.</a> You can find my full story index <a href="https://readmedium.com/gill-mcculloch-story-index-a4d6bdad2219">here.</a></p><p id="4fa0">Wouldn’t you rather be laughing? Follow <a href="https://medium.com/muddyum">MuddyUm</a> and <a href="https://medium.com/@gill-mcculloch">Gill McCulloch</a></p><div id="f75e" class="link-block"> <a href="https://gill-mcculloch.medium.com/list/2222d0a3f9fb"> <div> <div> <h2>Humour</h2> <div><h3>Short stories and poems by Gill McCulloch (fiction and non fiction)</h3></div> <div><p>gill-mcculloch.medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*85197558082a9e2605203ef67346efb15b9dd88e.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="455e" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/gill-mcculloch-story-index-a4d6bdad2219"> <div> <div> <h2>Gill McCulloch — Story Index</h2> <div><h3>undefined</h3></div> <div><p>undefined</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*-gaHET701jNyHJhsbOORew.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

NUDIST BEACH NO-NO’S

The Number One Worst Possible Thing You Can Do on a Nudist Beach

It’s not what you’re thinking

“Come on, Gilly, it’ll be fun!” said my friend Bev as we stopped at a wooden sign on the sandy beach path. The arrow pointing left said Beach and the arrow pointing right said Nudist Beach.

Bev and I were 22 and backpacking around Europe on a 30-day train pass. After visiting five of the seven countries on our list, we’d had some wild adventures and found ourselves in a few precarious situations. It was time for a relaxing afternoon on the beach.

We’d just stepped off the boat from Dubrovnik onto the small, uninhabited island of Lokrum. Game of Thrones fans may be interested to know that Lokrum was used to film scenes for the movie, and the iron throne is housed in a local Benedictine monastery.

But, back to the beach.

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I’ve always been a little shy about baring my body in front of others, so I hesitated when Bev suggested we take the path to the nudist beach. “No, let’s just go to the regular beach,” I said.

“Oh, come on, Gilly, you don’t know anyone here — nobody cares. This is your chance to have a nudist beach experience. If you don’t like it, you’ll never have to do it again.”

I rolled my eyes, giggled and gave in. We started down the path, not exactly knowing what to expect at the end.

Soon, we found ourselves on the beach where slabs of flat rock formed perfect sunbathing spots between areas of scorching white sand. The scent of sunscreen wafted around us in the salty breeze, and I knew I’d need to slather my bluey-white, easy-burn English skin.

We walked through the topless section to the full-on nudist beach, and as first-timers, it was hard to know where to look. We tried not to stare at anyone — at least I tried. Bev seemed fascinated and would occasionally let out a snort of laughter. She even pointed a couple of times. I was mortified and wished I’d had a big cardboard sign to hold up saying, “I am so so sorry!!!”

As we walked along, I was startled by a sound nearby and looked up to see a large, swarthy man slapping his hand lazily on the rock beside him like a beached walrus. He was wearing nothing but a lecherous grin and gesturing to us to come and join him.

Horrified, I pretended not to notice and continued walking, not knowing if my face was burning from sunburn or embarrassment. Bev, of course, was beside herself with uncontrollable laughter.

After a while, we realized we could only see male bodies, and some were looking at us disapprovingly. We quickly got the message and turned back the way we came. In the mixed beach area, we looked for a suitably sheltered spot to sunbathe.

And this is when Bev uttered the fateful words, and I discovered the all-time, number one, worst possible thing you can do on a nudist beach.

“Gilly!” I’ve lost my sunglasses!”

“Oh, Bev — noooo,” I groaned, “how can we find your sunglasses without people thinking we’re staring at them?”

“Well, I can’t afford to buy new sunglasses, and I’m not leaving this beach without them,” said my determined friend.

We walked back the way we came — me with my head down, eyes surreptitiously sweeping the ground near my feet, not daring to look too far to the left or right.

Bev scurried back and forth all over the beach unselfconsciously, peering closely at everything and everyone in her path, examining every nook and cranny. Apparently, she was searching a bit too carefully as people started hissing angrily and motioning for us to hurry past. “Bev, stop it, “ I begged, “you’re going to get us killed!”

We never did find the sunglasses, and I was enormously relieved to reach the path back to the ferry. Next time I’m confronted with a choice of Beach or Nudist Beach, I’ll choose the regular beach; thank you very much.

Top tip and note to self

If you ever lose track of your better judgement and allow a crazy friend to persuade you to visit a nudist beach — for goodness sake, take a spare pair of sunglasses!

Thanks for reading! If you’d like to get an email when I publish, please subscribe here. You can find my full story index here.