The Normalization of Dishonesty and What It Means to You and Me
Building a strong foundation for a life based on love
When the coronavirus first appeared in Wuhan, officials chose to act in secrecy and keep order. Their decision was based on more important things lying on their agenda: it was the time of the year when officials gather in Congress — no time for bad news.
Despite the number of cases rising, the Chinese government chose to downplay it. Doctors and activists who raised the flag of the new virus were silenced. Officials left doctors unaware of what they were fighting for, and without suitable protection. When China released the first data about the virus, 1,716 medical workers had contracted the virus, and six had died. All to avoid political embarrassment, and keep order — and what is order but keeping the status quo and power structures?
House of Cards
It is no news that the Chinese government lies, silences activists, and censors what is shared on social media.
When compared to our so-called freedom of speech in the West, it is easy to see how well off we are. But that is far from saying that the reality in developed countries is flowers and rainbows. In three years as president, Trump has made 16,241 false or misleading claims. Interestingly, they have raised year by year: 1,999 in 2017, 5,689 in 2018 and 8,155 in 2019. 'Interesting', because it feels like a kid who found out nothing was going to happen to him if he got caught. And so, despite being 73 years old, he keeps on pushing the boundaries.
This is all about our conformity to power and the status quo, our lack of action to change the system and our submission allowing power to mean more than life… right?
No. Or at least, not only.
This normalization of dishonesty is what depresses me the most in the current scenario. Honesty is the foundation of trust, of community-building. No matter how many things we try to solve, if we do not solve our issues with honesty, our foundations are not solid.
We Are All Good People… and Cheaters
Keep order, power structures, and the status quo. Avoid embarrassment. The thrill of getting away with it and feeling invincible. Haven’t you ever lied for any of these reasons? Maybe on a smaller scale than the Chinese government, but still, the same reasons.
How often we lie is unsure. Like everything in life, even if we talk averages, almost no one is average. We are all distributed in a wide spectrum. Some lie more than others. Studies mention we lie from 1,65 times per day, to once in every ten minutes of conversation. Also, we are said to be lied to 200 times a day.
It is hard to say how much we lie. First, because if we are good liars we are probably going to lie about it. Second, there’s the self-deception phenomenon: consciously or not, we lie to ourselves a lot. That’s how good we are at lying: many of us don’t even know when we are lying. Regardless, what we can be sure of is: we lie.
As Dr. Dan Ariely brings in his experiments on self-deception, the truth is, we all cheat a little bit here and there. We then rationalize our cheating, making sense of our behavior so we can continue to see ourselves as good people. All so that we can cheat without perceiving ourselves as cheaters. Want one example? The belief that taking a pen from the office isn’t stealing, but that stealing a dollar from the company cashier is — despite that being the cost of the pen to the company.
It’s hard to tell big lies and still maintain our self-perception as honest. What we do is we tell little lies and preserve our sense that we are honest people. Additionally, we often deceive and justify ourselves for why our little lies are ok. According to a research published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology General, we are less likely to cheat when asked to “not be a cheater”, than when asked to “not cheat”. The conclusion of the semantics: in our minds, we can cheat and still not see ourselves as cheaters.
We can think our lies are small things compared to that of politicians. Yet, I wonder if you and I had more power, would we trust our integrity 100%? Can we hold enough love, compassion and keep seeing the forest for the trees? If in the spotlight, wouldn't we give preference to save our own skin? I am sure some of us would pass the test. Yet, I am not sure how many.
I am from Brazil, the 9th biggest economy in the world, and ranked 106 out of 180 countries in the list of least corrupt nations. Not a good position. We, Brazilians, know how corrupt the government of our country is. Now what is not such a normal conversation for reflection, is the corruption of everyday life. What we in Brazil infamously call “The Brazilian way”. The expression means to get some advantage that will allow one to cut the queue. It could be to cut the line in the traffic jam or asking a favor to a friend of a friend to get some official papers faster. It is culturally accepted that it is smart to use this Brazilian heritage. Nice guys finish last. Needless to say, not many connect that behavior with corruption. Dishonesty, when normalized, becomes invisible.
“The price of greatness is responsibility.” Winston Churchill
Responsibility & Accountability
Public figures are part of our society. We all carry the same distortions and mirror each other. I am in no way, shape or form cutting them slack and releasing their accountability. The idea is not to compare or to blame. Neither of these is productive. The Chinese government is accountable for all its lies and suppressions. And so are we for ours.
We are all accountable, yet we all have our ways of getting away with things. Despite how much the Chinese government represses citizens, and how much Trump lies, it does not seem to ever be “enough”. We might get pissed, write about it and discuss it. Yet, the lies keep on coming. Just like we, in our private lives. We get pissed when someone cheats on us. Yet we overlook at our own behavior. Ignorance is bliss.
We tend to forget that the system we live in is a human creation, and not a natural one. To live up to higher standards, we need to work on our emotional intelligence and walk the talk. A government is not one person, but a collective. If we don’t do the work, no matter what leaders we takedown, the same issues will remain with the new ones.
Why Do We Lie?
We lie to “promote” ourselves and gain advantages. To gain benefits such as money and power. To look better and be liked. We even lie to make someone laugh and be funny. Sometimes we have hidden agendas, and we lie to get what we want. We lie to play by social conventions and not be rude. What would others think if we were too different?
Other times, we lie to get away from difficult situations. To cover up something we judge “wrong”. We are afraid the other person won’t take the truth well. At times, we say we are protecting others, when in fact we are only protecting ourselves. Oh, the things we do to hold to our self-image and power position in the relationship….
In our society, there is certain conformity that we won’t get what we want if we are honest. Just like the child who does not want to go to school, but will not manage to skip it if she asks mom not to go. No, her chances are higher if she pretends to be sick. Have you ever called in sick at work when you were healthy but did not want to be there? Surprise, surprise.
All in all, it takes energy to lie. To remember the lie. To keep the act, and not get caught in the lie. Every lie is a new mask we put on, and the more masks we wear, the harder it gets to reach our true selves. No wonder we have to continue lying: there is way too much dissonance between who we are and who we think we are. The “easiest” way to avoid dealing with it is to keep lying.
Trust… but Not Too Much
We are social creatures, a network of beings somewhat dependent on each other. Good luck living in a city without a supermarket. Co-operation requires trust. No wonder Douglas Massey mentions in his book Strangers in a Strange Land that “trust” is a human need: without it, we don’t function well.
Would you get inside an airplane if you did not trust the pilot? How does it feel to do business with someone you think is not showing all his cards? Could you keep your peace of mind when you thought your partner wasn’t being honest with you?
Lack of trust at the workspace, stresses us, drains our energy, makes us sick, kills our engagement, makes us unsatisfied with our lives, and burns us out. Furthermore, according to Greg McKeown in his book Essentialism, things aggravate when there is no clarity. In such situations, instead of playing on common ground, we start playing our own politics. It becomes each for their own.
Honesty, clarity, walking the talk builds trust. When there is no honesty, when there is distrust, there is separation. In distrust, there can be no oneness. The idea of acting for the highest good is broken, and we no longer can see the forest for the trees.
It Takes One to Know One
True, many times we are lied to without knowing — being a great liar is a talent of its own. When a big figure lies, we might get angry and yet feel powerless.
But other times, lies are socially accepted. Excuses to not make to a social gathering, for instance. It is almost a courtesy to not confront a friend who calls in sick. Also, allowing the lie to take place allows us to use the same lie when it comes to our advantage.
Calling in sick is probably our most normalized lie. It works for everything we don’t want to do. Don’t feel like going to a party or helping a friend? “Oh, I don’t feel too well…”. It is so normalized we take it for granted that the other part will know what we mean. It is almost like a social contract that we sign thinking about how it could save us from “difficult” situations. The result is the conformity that it is hard to say the truth, and easier and ok to lie.
As we identify other people’s lies, we are reminded of our own lies — if we dare to look at ourselves. We are each other’s eyes, forever witnessing all the complications of social contracts. Everything is a reflection of everything.
Honesty Is the Solid Foundation We Are Missing
Without a sound base, everything eventually falls. Without honesty with ourselves, there is no self-awareness, and self-deception reigns. Without honesty with others, there is no trust. Without trust, we distress ourselves and don’t work well together. If we can’t cooperate, we have secret agendas and don’t work for the highest good.
On a personal level, without honesty, we are not seen for who we truly are. That means there is no intimacy or vulnerability. We pretend to be something we are not. We carry the weight of having to keep masks and get lost in our own disguises.
Self-awareness and honesty are important components of emotional intelligence. No wonder our world is governed by leaders with the emotional maturity of a 13-year-old.
Truth Serves Love
The abuse of truth happens through a lack of love. A need for self-protection, instead of seeing the bigger picture. Truth serves love. In non-threatening environments, hard truths are more easily received. If only we did not feel so easily threatened…
The idea is to look at ourselves so we can create relationships based on truth. From there comes a stronger community, a new way to operate. The way of honesty is the way of the greater good, which is the way of love.
Power and love don’t seem to walk hand-in-hand much. The thing is, the accumulation of power without the overflow of love corrupts. Or, as better said by Martin Luther King Jr. :
“Love is identified with a resignation of power and power with a denial of love. What is needed is a realization that power without love is reckless and abusive and that love without power is sentimental and anemic. Power is at its best love implementing the demands of justice. Justice at its best is power correcting everything that stands against love.”
To act on behalf of that kind of big love, for the good of all, truth is required. Ultimately, we could embody the way of Gandhi:
‘Be the change that you wish to see in the world.’
Where Do We Begin?
Before we are honest with someone else, with the outside world, we need to be honest with ourselves. It all starts with self-connection, clarity over who we are, what matters to us and to walk the talk. Without doing this work, a lack of self-connection creates a dissonance in our self-image: who we think we are is not who we are. It's when we have this gap that we often lie to ourselves to minimize this dissonance.
Once we are honest with ourselves, we need to gather the courage to express our truth aloud. Not only that, but we need to learn to articulate ourselves well, which is a challenge of its own.
An exchange based on truth requires emotional intelligence from all parts. Like love, truth takes work.
The question becomes, can you see the benefits of living a life based on truth?
Practice Makes it Perfect
- Get to know yourself better, and be honest about your intentions. Meditate. Journal. When we allow our minds to take the driver’s seat, there are way too many voices at the same time. Fear can speak so much louder than love. In our heads, it is hard to separate the voices, to give them their right weight, to take back control. Journaling forces those voices to slow down, and speak one at a time.
- We can stop making a big deal out of things that are not a big deal. Believe it or not, most of us have the same issues. By sharing your honesty, you might find there are more people with similar stories than you think.
- Are you consciously lying about something because you think it is wrong? Examine this feeling. “Right and wrong” are often social constructs. We can create our own reality, and work on our self-love and self-acceptance. For instance, many people are in monogamous relationships but are unable to not cheat. Yet, there’s a whole world of polyamory and open relationships out there. Everything has its space — sometimes we are in the wrong place and have to redirect ourselves. We allow social beliefs to dictate how we live.
- Self-inquiry: Are you doing something "wrong" for the thrill of it? Where do you think that need comes from? Introspect. Sometimes we might find issues that are self-destructive and need healing. Again, it is not about right and wrong, but of making peace with your truth.
- Learn about nonviolent communication. This is a fantastic tool to talk open and honestly with others. Furthermore, it also forces us to have a bigger self-connection so that we are aligned in our truth. Check out Marshall Rosenberg’s books (no, I don’t make any money out of potential sales).
- Go to a sharing circle, or form your own. Do check-ins with friends. They can be offline or online and are a great way to practice speaking up.
Hi, I am Aline Ra M, spiritual guide, energy worker, and tea lover.