Checking In: What is Alive in You?
A simple (and audacious) exercise in intimacy
Sexual intimacy is important, but true intimacy is to be fully seen for who we truly are. One simple exercise to increase intimacy through communication is checking in.
What is checking in?
As social creatures, we share for sharing’s sake. We want to show our true vulnerable selves, to create bonds by expressing who we are, to get things off our chest.
Checking in is a technique to share for sharing’s sake. For a set period of time, one person gets to talk and the other person only listens. No pieces of advice, no replies allowed. Then after the defined period of time, the other person shares whatever they want.
It is relatively simple, but there are some twists.
The Rules
Each person has a set time to talk. Let’s say we put five minutes on the clock. The other person cannot interrupt. If after two minutes, the speaker says “I have nothing else to say”, then no one can interrupt the process. The spectator can not say anything. The speaker can choose to stay in silence and resume speaking as she pleases.
We might think we have nothing more to say, but as we sit in silence new things can come from nowhere. This is the time to allow yourself to be in the spotlight for a while, breathe in and listen to what is moving inside of you. Feel what is in your heart and put it out. Trust me, slowly you will have more and more to share.
This is not a discussion: the second person is not allowed to use her time to reply to things the first person said. This time is about the person who is speaking only, not a blaming and defense game. “I feel undervalued when this happened” is ok but “you are horrible and treat me like shit” is not. Watch the language used. Discussions should be reserved for another time. Now it is check-in time: what is alive in you?
Anything can be shared. Feelings, thoughts that are ever-present, exciting ideas, health issues, family events, relationship-related matter. Sometimes it will be about each other, sometimes not. Multiple topics can be brought up in the same session. This is a time to explore. No one should take things for granted or think something is obvious. If it is what is going on, if it is the truth, then it is to be said.
How often to do this?
This exercise can be done as often as you wish. You can start with five minutes per person once or twice a week, and increase the time or frequency if it feels right. When I started doing this with my then-partner, we did rounds of ten to fifteen minutes for each person, twice a week. We found that setting a longer timeframe allowed us to take time to connect to something deeper.
Doing in different constellations
This exercise is great for couples but could be applied in any social constellation. I love doing it with a group of friends. These days I hardly get to meet my closest friends in person. I find it bonding to check in once we get to meet. It is a way to escape superficial conversations and to connect with each other fast.
Hard truths
At the same time we long for such depth in our relationships, we dread it like hell. Will we be loved by who we truly are?
We fear not being accepted, and be seen as weak. These feelings are not only yours or mine: we all share the same fears.
The truth is, whenever we don’t show our true selves we are putting a lot of effort into covering something. Checking in provides a space where we can release masks and this energy of putting up with something. Besides intimacy, we get to feel more truthful to ourselves and lighter.
To lie or cover up something in a check-in is counterproductive. It will only increase the gap in intimacy. But that said, you don’t need to start the check-in with your darkest sides though. This is not about who is more raw, deep and honest, but about building intimacy together. Be gentle with yourself. Open petal by petal, and feel it get easier after each encounter.
That said, not all check-ins will be dense, or vulnerable. Some will be light, loving and even funny. Others won’t. They will follow what is alive in us at the moment.
Benefits
Checking-in opens the door to acceptance, trust, and comfort in being ourselves, without putting much energy to pretend to be something else.
Our minds are often driving us crazy with different thoughts. Checking in is a way to slow down, to articulate these thoughts loud and clear not only for the other person but for ourselves. We can start making sense of what is happening. Furthermore, the moment we start talking, our heart opens up to things that we did not even know about before. This exercise supports us in knowing ourselves better by putting light on things that were locked inside.
The sharing is an invitation for someone special to join us in our quest for living. By showing to someone what is going with us we allow ourselves to be seen vulnerable and open, to be seen for what we are. This builds intimacy.
The practice of checking in eases our fear of talking about sensitive subjects. We create a safe space for them. Checking in makes such intimate conversation into a normal thing. Yes, it might be uncomfortable at first, but practice makes perfect.
Hi, I am Aline Ra M, spiritual guide, energy worker, and tea lover.
How about a heart meditation for more ease and grace?