The Narcissist’s F Word
If you attempt to even think this word to them they, will lose their shit
Fairness.
That’s the word.
I could end the article right here at 3 sentences.
Fairness Is The Worst Possible Thing You Could Expect From A Narcissist
Nothing in their world is designed to be fair. The name of the game is CONTROL. It makes complete sense that the word fair is the F bomb in their minds.
What would fairness get them? Do you get power, domination, and control from being fair to those around you?
I’m sure there is someone out there who could, but it’s not going to be someone narcissistic.
A benevolent leader like that is not the kind of person that most will have daily encounters with. The more common type is the barge that plows ahead and leaves bodies floating in their wake.
Whether the type of narcissist you are dealing with is outspoken or covert doesn’t matter. As a whole, they leave casualties. They all devalue and discard. They all abuse and manipulate. They all create pain and suffering. Fairness doesn’t create those things.
Why Do We Still Hope For Fairness From Someone Narcissistic?
If you are stuck in a toxic dynamic in any capacity you know what I mean. Removing yourself from a system that is designed to keep you sucked in and constantly giving exorbitant amounts of your time and energy is a near impossible task.
It takes more than willpower. It takes bravery, pain and finally reaching a breaking point. It is a rock bottom decision.
Some people have a high bottom and some have a low, but we all have one somewhere. The trick is to let yourself hit the bottom and then act on it. Sometimes we surprise ourselves by finding a trap door to go even lower.
If you get down on yourself and feel like you don’t have enough willpower to leave, just know that none of us did. We all needed support and a break to get started on that first step.
In a narcissistic relationship, the cycle of highs and lows makes for a confusing mix of hormones, stress chemicals and chaotic energy flowing throughout our bodies.
When you are in this mix, the name of the game is pain management. You manage the pain by extending olive branches and hoping that this time they get it. That they will finally see how much you are hurting and will stop their poor behaviors.
They won’t. It isn’t meant to be fair. They cannot tolerate you getting fair treatment.
Why Is Unfair Treatment The Only Path You Will Walk In A Narcissistic Relationship?
There are a few reasons why. They all have to do with the end game for the narcissist and with short-term gains.
Energy
Treating someone with fairness takes energy.
During the love bombing phase of the relationship, the energy is willingly given. It has a big ROI (Return On Investment.) They give to you and you give back. This initial phase is not meant to last forever. It can’t. It’s a fantasy chapter that is meant to promote bonding and limerence. The more lasting form of steady love is what comes next… at least, it’s supposed to.
Because the love bomb phase is over the top and fake, it takes an excessive amount of energy to maintain. When it comes crashing down the narcissist will blame you for it. They will find a way to make it about how you didn’t live up to the promises you made to them. They won’t look at how they were party to those same promises and were promoting an image that was not achievable.
It will be all your fault.
Time
Promises are a contract with two parts.
- The verbal agreement
- The actions
When it comes time to make the actions line up with the words, you will get the anger and contempt instead. If by some chance they do what they said, you will be punished later for it. In some way, shape or form you will be penalized for having them make good on their promises.
As time goes on, you will see more and more of their true colors. You get a peek behind the curtain at their games and real thoughts and feelings. They won’t like this. The power is in the manipulation. If you begin to see the truth, then you aren’t as easily manipulated as before. They have to find new ways and think of different strategies and a narcissist is not going to be happy about that. They want the easy route.
Time adds to the total. One or two insults may hurt, but after that number reaches 100 or 1000 insults, it takes a much larger toll on your psyche. Which injures you more? One large cut, or a small cut that has been re-opened a hundred times?
Your boundaries get more eroded and warped, and your sense of self becomes more fragile because of the immense negative pressure that has been put on you… over time.
The scar that forms gets thicker and tougher, and your place in the system gets solidified… over time.
Power
This is the be-all-end-all of the narcissist’s long-term and short-term games.
If they had to be fair, then the narcissist would not have the power in the relationship. The power would be equitably distributed. This is an unimaginable dynamic which means fairness is not going to happen.
This is why they trigger you. If you can be triggered, you can be controlled. Triggers are meant to destabilize and cause confusion and brain fog. Someone in this mental state can be used like a battery to supply the narcissist with the things they want like money, sex, feeling superior, etc…
Shame
To begin treating you with fairness would mean facing the shameful actions they have committed so far in the relationship. Contrition and changing their behavior will become necessary for building trust and love.
It won’t happen. Not with a narcissist. With a jerk it could happen, but not with someone that has NPD.
You may hear an apology or two over the years, and claims of fairness and care, but they will only ever be words. Empty words. The shame will always win out and will always cause them to revert back to the power plays and lying to keep you in your place under them.
Fairness will not happen when shame is involved.
If You Don’t Expect Fairness You Are Ahead Of The Game
The only way to win is to retreat and refuse to play, but if you must remain in the relationship, then understanding that the game is rigged is the only way to stay as safe as possible.
It won’t be true safety, but it does minimize the harm.
The end game is supply. You cannot continue to be a good source of supply if you are being treated fairly. Therefore, you will never be treated fairly.
The only thing you can do is to never expect it in the first place.
That acknowledgment stinks.
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Narcissism Informed Trauma and Abuse Life Coach- or links to my life coaching services, you can find me at www.cpresleycoaching.com or email me at [email protected]
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