The Most Important Thing a Man Can Do to Make a Relationship Work
The fastest way to repair with his mate during conflict.
“How to find a good spouse? -the best single way is to deserve a good spouse.” ― Charles T. Munger
Have you ever said something to your spouse or partner, thinking you were sharing your feelings and making a bid for connection, only to be surprised by his defensiveness?
He goes on the attack, and you end up thinking, “Whoa dude, I was just telling you my feelings.”
Some men aren’t comfortable with all the feeling talk.
But in a relationship, it is essential to be heard, and sometimes, even felt.
Occasionally, men — not all men — hear things differently than what we are communicating.
A woman might say, “I want more time with you.”
Her partner hears, “You aren’t good enough; what you are doing isn’t good enough.”
Miscommunication often happens during conflict, or right before things are about to get a little tense. Someone says something, and the other person feels attacked when you were just trying to get closer.
Even a complaint is usually a bid for connection.
Far too often, life gets in the way of staying in sync with the one person you want to stay in sync with; children, friends, work, just living, can get in the way of healthy communication. The demands of children, especially little ones under five, make it especially hard.
When conflicts arise, and you haven’t been communicating, to begin with, wires get crossed, and it is easy to misinterpret something that gets said.
For men, accepting influence from their partner is the single most important action a man can take to make a difference in an area of conflict (this is true in same-sex couples too).
In researching over 3,000 couples over seven years, John Gottman, an American psychological researcher, and clinician and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work discovered men who allow their partner to influence them relate effectively with their partners.
It is important for a woman to accept influence from her partner also, but the research has shown that women already do this.
This makes sense; if you want to be influential in a relationship, you have to be able to accept influence, there has to be a give and take — a two-way street.
Allowing your partner’s feelings — needs — to impact you is a profound way to have power in a relationship for each of you.
Accepting Influence — What it means for a man
When you are open to influence from your wife or partner, it means you are moving away from negative communication strategies like avoidance and defensiveness.
Avoidance is stonewalling.
Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the conversation all together without resolving anything. Stonewalling equates to shutting down, not allowing your partner in, at all, to repair with sweet and tender bids for communication.
Defensiveness is self-protection through righteous indignation or playing the victim. When one is defensive in an argument, this does little to solve the problem a couple is grappling to address.
Defensiveness is just an underhanded way of blaming your partner for the disagreement.
When you accept influence, it merely means conveying to your partner that her needs are as vital to you as your own. You communicate with her from a position of “we” and not just “me,” which is the opposite of coming from a win-lose, right-wrong mindset. A right-wrong attitude is not healthy in personal relationships. There may be a need for it in business relationships, possibly, but not when it comes to getting along with those you claim to love. It can harm the relationship irrevocably.
When your spouse makes a bid for more connection with you, instead of hearing it as an attack, hear what her needs are. Usually, she wants to be closer to you. Active listening without being defensive, or wanting to run away, and hearing what your partner feels takes maturation.
When a man hears his partner’s emotions, thoughts, needs, and understands that he benefits from both people in the relationships getting their needs met, that is called a win-win.
When you hear your partner say, “You are spending way too much time doing …” try replying, “Let’s make a plan to spend some time together, I miss you too.” Touching her while saying this is even better.
If a man allows himself to be impacted by his partner’s needs, each partner feels satisfied, and, like each are part of a “we.”
Most people want to be in relationships for the “we” part.
Relationships are work and take nurturing to thrive.
When a man allows for his partner to impact him with her feelings, her desires, he will get more of what he wants out of the relationship, which leads to greater happiness.
Esther Perel, the author of the international bestseller, Mating in Captivity, says the only way you can affect change in someone else’s behavior is to change yourself.
The only power you truly have is over what you contribute.
Jessica is a writer, an online entrepreneur, and a recovering perfectionist. She lives in Los Angeles with her extrovert daughter, two dogs, and two cats.