The Most Potent Repair a Woman Can Offer in a Relationship with a Man
To make a positive impact during conflict.
For women in heterosexual relationships, when in conflict with a spouse or partner, the most powerful repair you can say to make your guy feel heard is, “This is not all your fault. I have responsibility for this as well. It’s a two-way street; I’m sure I’ve done things to screw up this relationship also.”
Boom. That’s it.
In other words, accept responsibility for yourself and the things you bring into the relationships.
The relationships we have are 100 percent our responsibility; we choose to be in them, we bring them into our lives and contribute to them with our hearts and minds.
In his research of over 3,000 couples during seven years, John Gottman of The Gottman Institute discovered that taking responsibility for your part of the conflict is the single most important action a woman can do for her partner during a conflict.
(The single most crucial repair a man can do for a woman is different; I’ll address it at a later date.)
According to Barton Goldsmith Ph.D. of PsychologyToday.com,
“If you don’t accept responsibility for your relationships, and you are unhappy in one or more, look to yourself first. It’s very easy to blame someone else for your uncomfortable feelings, so be sure to look at how you may have contributed to whatever is upsetting you at the moment.”
I’m not suggesting you take responsibility for the entire conflict unless you alone did something that warrants you taking full responsibility.
Unilaterally causing conflict is a rare situation because relationships require two (I’m not referring to polyamorous relationships here).
I’m suggesting taking responsibility for your part in the conflict; this allows the other person — your male partner, in this case — to look at his role without having to win.
If you want a healthy relationship, get out of the winning frame out mind, and get into the understanding frame of mind. When a disagreement arises, successful couples pursue a connection instead of winning or being right.
Accepting our part
When we accept responsibility, it takes us out of our reactive state and puts us in a state of empowerment and forward-thinking.
Being in a non-reactive state, especially during disagreements, is not easy, but it is a far more productive and a less draining way to manage life with those we love. By not reacting immediately — taking a breath — allows time for getting a much-needed perspective during arguments.
Taking ownership of your actions and words means you’re in charge of you — the only thing you have control over.
When you defend your stance or get tied down to your position to the death, it puts you in a reactive state — not a healthy way to relate.
Defensiveness is reacting
Example — “It’s not my fault” is different than “It’s not all your fault.”
Defensiveness is self-protection through righteous indignation or playing the victim.
When one is defensive in an argument, this does little to solve the problem a couple is grappling to address, especially in high conflict couples.
Defensiveness is just an underhanded way of blaming your partner for the disagreement. The antidote for defensiveness is to accept responsibility.
Own your shit on your side of the street.
When you take responsibility instead of shifting blame, not only does it free you, it empowers you. It puts you in the driver’s seat of your emotions — that is power.
Owning your stuff turns out to be the most potent repair a woman can make according to Gottman’s research; men feel heard when their partner takes part of the load for the things that aren’t working in the relationship.
How taking responsibility impacts a relationship
- It’s empowering — It’s a reminder that you have control. You have control of your words, your actions, your deeds. You are responsible for your part.
- It fosters trust — Your partner sees you are an adult and can trust you to own up to your part of the conflict, even if small.
- It creates dependability — It tells your partner you are dependable and reliable, and able to look at yourself closely. You are self-aware and you don’t shift blame to get out of conflict.
- Sharing vulnerability — When you take responsibility for your part, you’re demonstrating to your partner that you can be vulnerable with him, this fosters trust in the relationships. When you promote trust, your partner will be more willing to share his vulnerability with you in return.
Relationships are work and take nurturing to thrive
You have a choice in how you behave in your relationships. You have the power to take responsibility for your part, which is the only way to influence your mate to take care of his part.
Esther Perel, therapist, and author of the international bestseller, Mating in Captivity, says the only way you can affect change in someone else’s behavior is to change yourself. How empowering. This idea is liberating and gives one full responsibility for themselves.
Taking responsibility for your behavior is the quickest way to freedom.
Jessica is a writer, an online entrepreneur, and a recovering type-A personality. She lives in Los Angeles with her extrovert daughter, two dogs, and two cats.