The Most Disastrous Ways to Have Sex
I don’t know why everyone has a problem with the shower
I read a lot more than I write here on this genius space for words. I’ve noticed a pattern among you sex connoisseurs. Sex in the shower is getting a pretty bad rap from everyone who tries it, and I can’t understand why.
Of all the times I’ve had shower sex, no one has been injured or died, and nothing has been destroyed in the process. In fact, I find it quite sexy when both partners are steamy and wet, and I’m bent over leaning into something solid and sturdy, like a tiled wall.
Believe me, there are less sturdy things to have sex against that can be way more disastrous than a shower.
Take a sink, for example. Not just any sink but a peach-colored one inside a shabby, 1970’s hotel. The kind of sink that’s just attached to the wall but has no real base. Those won’t last ten minutes if you’re bent over and using it as resistance while your man drills you from behind.
I don’t do this in just any old place though. Only when I’m sharing a ghetto hotel room with a friend on a budget vacation. In which case, there’s nowhere else a girl can get privacy besides the bathroom.
Nothing ruins your efforts at having quiet sex behind a closed door, like a sink coming loose from the wall and smashing to the floor. There is no recovering from that kind of shame.
How about a carpeted floor? Not just any carpet, but the industrial short type of carpet, also used in hotel rooms. It seems I have a thing for not using beds in hotel rooms, right?
Hotel carpet wreaks havoc on knees and can cause medical-grade rug burn that takes up to eight weeks to heal and somewhat disappear. I have my ex-husband and a vacation to Disney World to blame for this one. Happiest place on earth? I have my opinions about that.
You can’t hide this kind of shame in a destination where everyone has to wear shorts and skirts to stay cool.
Rugburn isn’t the only thing that happened in that hotel room.
A romantic moonlit beach may seem like the perfect setting for an exotic sexual escapade. The serene sounds of ocean waves lapping against the sandy shoreline, the darkness dimly illuminated by a pale moon.
What could go wrong?
Let’s start with mosquitoes. When you’re having sex, every part of you is exposed to the elements and slapping at biting bugs isn’t nearly as fun or sexy as slapping your partner’s ass.
Then there’s sand. I don’t care what anyone says, there is no way on earth to prevent sand from ending up in all your important parts. Even if you take proper precautions and try to have sex on a beach lounger.
Body parts fling and flail during a good romp. Sand is like an airborne virus if you’re anywhere near a beach and it’s a bitch to wash out of crevices after being firmly packed in by force.
Getting back to our natural roots for a moment, this next stealthy weapon of mass destruction is the least suspect.
Coconut oil is perhaps the most versatile complement to any sexual soiree. It has a multitude of practical applications — lube, massage oil, it tastes nice, no parts dry out, and all that jazz.
There’s nothing like two bodies oiled up with the scent of coconut in the air, frolicking in the darkness. Until you wake up the next morning by the light of dawn, only to see your $80.00 white sheets are saturated and destroyed.
Death by coconut.
One of my regular partners introduced me to the wonders of coconut oil in the bedroom and I have to admit, I do love using it in every way possible. But we have now come to an arrangement. We split the cost of new sheets regularly.
And last but certainly not least, I present you with the inspiration behind this entire story. The most difficult, destructive, and injury-prone way to have sex.
No shower in the world can compete with a Hyundai.
All the scenarios listed above flashed back into my mind after my latest couple of romps in the back seat of my car. While my car sex partner may think the back seat of a Hyundai “is actually quite spacious,” (in his words) it doesn’t provide a safe space for the acrobatics of sex, unless you’re very vanilla about it.
We haven’t been vanilla at all.
The first time we attempted this stunt the injuries were all mine. A goose egg on the top of my head, the inability to turn my neck one way for a couple of days afterward, all due to force combined with hard door panels.
The second time, we were even more creative which allowed us to share the injuries 50/50. Due to awkward angles and our eagerness to try something different, he had to pop his shoulder back into place, and my legs didn’t work properly the next day. Nobody needs to do deadlifts or squats if they’re having car sex.
To all you shower haters out there, don’t knock it until you’ve tried a Hyundai. But also, don’t use coconut oil during shower sex. One or both of you will not survive.
