Harshing My Mellow | My Second Favorite Orb

The Moon is Literally Killing My Zen

Zen? Where? What Zen? Oh, that little fluffbutt walked off on the 3rd

I’m having all of the emotions at once and the moon just sits and watches. That’s not true, it doesn’t just sit, it pulls. It expands and it glows and it fills me to the brim and my emotions have nowhere, nowhere to go but out.

Sometimes people sing that they wish they were the moon.

Chimney falls and lovers blaze Thought that I was young Now I’ve freezing hands And bloodless veins As numb as I’ve become I’m so tired I wish I was the moon tonight

— First Verse, Lyrics from I Wish I Was The Moon by Neko Case

I love this song, but I didn’t get it until today. I wish I was the moon, too. The moon has it made.

The moon doesn’t have to take her dog to the vet to see if they have cancer in their eye.

The moon doesn’t have to mourn the death of 3 family cats that have died in the past year.

The moon doesn’t have to get root canals or feel pain.

The moon doesn’t have to heal from a traumatic childhood that leaves her incapable of regulating her emotions or feeling any semblance of self-love.

The moon doesn’t have to watch the humans around her dry up and burn out trying, trying so hard.

The moon doesn’t have to scrape mucousy poops off of the grass with a barely bagged hand.

The moon doesn’t have to live overwhelmed in a world that is overstimulating.

The moon doesn’t have to compare itself to other moons or to the sun just to fit in.

The moon doesn’t have periods or hormones.

The moon doesn’t feel sad or angry or scared.

The moon doesn’t feel at all.

The moon doesn’t have to give any fucks at all about being “too much” even though that’s what I’m saying.

Last night I dreamt I’d forgotten my name ’Cause I sold my soul But I woke just the same I’m so lonely I wish I was the moon tonight

— Second Verse, Lyrics from I Wish I Was The Moon by Neko Case

I’m not asking for pity, but I’m so tired. I was reading an article today by Tim Denning and he said something that resonated with me and where I am right now:

When you have a bad day and want to cry, bottle up the emotion, and then spit it back out as a story. — Tim Denning

I’ve often said that I write the good, the bad, and the ugly. Many people think that the hard stuff is easy to write and the fluffy stuff is hard to write. For me, it’s the opposite.

I can write about how life is beautiful all day long. It could be saccharine, dripping with good cheer and fortune cookie inspiration. Instead, I choose to write what’s real to me. I hope it feels real to you, too, when you read it.

It’s more important to me that I am relatable than that I have the next big tip that will change someone’s life. I want my readers to feel seen. I want them to feel like someone is expressing the shit that they feel like they can’t put into words or say out loud.

I want them to read what I write and say: “Yeah, moon. You don’t have to pick up your dog’s poops. It’s not a ton of fun on a regular day, but it gets extra special when they get into the trash or drink from old puddles.”

Now I’m giggling, but it’s true!

I write the bad stuff and the ugly stuff because I don’t think that the good stuff means very much without the rest. I write all of it because life isn’t perfect.

No matter how hard I try to live a “good” life, I always end up dealing with more than I feel like I can handle almost every day.

That’s the story I want to tell. I don’t want to tell the story that is just one or two pieces of the good/bad/ugly pie. I want it to tell it all because it’s all there whether I tell it or not.

I am the truest to myself when I honor and write all of it, the whole pie.

How will you know if you’ve found me at last? ’Cause I’ll be the one, be the one, be the one With my heart in my lap I’m so tired I’m so tired And I wish I was the moon tonight

— Fourth Verse, Lyrics from I Wish I Was The Moon by Neko Case

The truth is that there is so much good. There’s bad and there’s ugly and the moon doesn’t have to deal with any of it. But I don’t wish I was the moon all of the time.

The moon doesn’t get to lie in bed with their lover and dogs in silence only broken by life sounds — breathing and sighs.

The moon doesn’t get to watch the leaves fall from the trees and hear the crunch-crunching below their feet on long walks along gorgeous city trails.

The moon doesn’t get to sit on a barstool in their home and write their truth day after day.

The moon doesn’t get to meet and read and connect with other humans and writers.

The moon doesn’t get to pour themselves a glass of red, red wine at the end of a long day.

The moon doesn’t get to spend late nights with friends talking about anything and everything until the bottles are empty and yawns take up the space conversation once stood.

The moon doesn’t get to speak their truth at all; it can only rest and pull as the shadow of the Earth waxes and wanes its surface to our eyes.

I’m so tired I’m so tired And I wish I was the moon tonight

— Last Chorus, Lyrics from I Wish I Was The Moon by Neko Case

Even though I might not wish I were the moon because I’d miss out on some pretty great stuff, I get wishing I was the moon.

I feel it tonight.

Life is not all bad and ugly. The good is worth living as I am.

But every once in a while it would be nice to be far from where I am, even looking down on where I was…just for a bit.

I’m Brett Jenae Tomlin, The Anxious Enthusiast.

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