That is one #dirtysoda
All I Want For Christmas is Pilk
It’s like sex in a glass
Pilk is not a combination of pussy and milk, but if it was the ad for it would make a lot more sense. It seems Lindsay Lohan is ringing in the festive season with a sultrier beverage we’ve never seen before.
Well, TikTok-ers have. It seems they’ve been drinking it for years. But this broad (me) just got a good whiff of Pepsi’s new threesome of choice — pairing themselves with LL and the bevvie proudly known as “pilk” — and I’m floored and tantalized at once.
“Threesome,” you ask? “That’s a bit much.”
Nah, bae. Just watch the ad. You’ll be wet at the end of it, whether it’s your own juices or just the mouthful of pond-water-colored yule you’ve let fall out of your horrified orifice.
Dripping for pilk
LL has that “Santa Baby” voice down though doesn’t she? Perhaps we need to make some more room in that pilk sex chamber cause this shit is on fire.
I for one would show up for a bit of hanky panky beneath the Christmas tree with LL, her gaspy siren’s voice, and her #pilkandcookies. Pepsi can watch.
We’d need a pretty big Christmas tree, though. Evidently, there are thousands of people willing to beat off in unison for a bit of that dirty soda.
Pilk-lovers unite! I’m not one to drink swill, but I’ll come to that pilk party for sure.
I’ll make that pilk flow.
Naughty and nice?
Oh yes, that’s right. You can have your cake and eat it, too. Thank you, Pepsi, for ruining Santa’s Christmas list for all of the little girls and boys.
Naughty and nice here seem to mean the same thing in the context of this ad, and it rests squarely in between LL’s legs.
I’ve never liked the word “naughty,” but now I’m questioning “nice” right along with it. Not because I have any problem with LL wearing her sexuality on her velvet and faux-fur sleeve for pond water. I actually love her for that.
Get yours, LL! I wear my sexuality on my grey cardigan-ed sleeve for no money at all.
But “nice” used to mean “vanilla”: slightly plain but fabulous in its own right. Pilk comes on the scene and suddenly “nice” is just as dirty as, well, the dirty soda it’s named after.
I mean really, is milk really that nice? If you’ve got IBS or lactose intolerance, I would imagine you’d join me in saying that the Pepsi in this equation is not the naughtiest of the two pilk ingredients. That’s right, there are only two ingredients.
It’s just math, right? Really. Sexy. Math.
Naughty (Pepsi) + “Nice” (Milk) = Pilk
Dear Pepsi,
Do you like it when I call you naughty?
WWSD
So now we’re supposed to add an equal part of Pepsi to Santa’s Christmas libation. Thank you, capitalism.
I hope we check with Santa before we decide to give him sex juice to guzzle this Christmas.
Truly, What Will Santa Do when he starts showing up at all of our houses on Christmas Eve night, only to find his milk has become “dirty” with Pepsi?
Will he take our presents back to The North Pole because we’ve been added to the “Pepsi List”?
Will he grab his Pilk and Cookies and jump into bed with us because we served him a drink that was so “naughty and nice” his toy soldier stood to salute our dirty choices?
Will he abscond back to Mrs. Claus for a night of pilky passion, later trying to patent the brownish-grey liquid as the new XXX-mas Viagra?
Or will he head off to LL’s house to thank her properly, like only Santa Claus can — by adding her back to the “Milk List” and sending her into next Christmas with bliss?
Merry Christmas, you filthy soda lovers
Well, whatever happens I want to be there. I’ll drink the pilk for that good time. Naughty? Nice? What does it matter when I’m heels and tits up?
If you’re looking for me this Christmas, I’ll be preparing for the nearest and brightest pilk-induced orgy from the back of Santa’s sleigh.
I can’t promise we’ll make it to your house. There are a lot of houses to visit in the world, and only so much pilk.
I’m Brett Jenae Tomlin, The Anxious Enthusiast.
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