The Moment You Realise “Friends With Benefits” is Not for You

You heard your friend is seeing a girl. They’re going out on fun dates and having lots of sex. You’re tired of hearing about it. Because you’re jealous.

They had “the talk” early, where they told each other that they weren’t looking for a relationship but they want to keep seeing each other. So they kept seeing each other.

And they became “friends with benefits”.

It must be good because there’s a film named Friends with Benefits, starring Justin Timberlake. It’s popular. People your age do this kind of thing so you want it too.

You’re a young man, filled with lust and (a fragile) ego. As you’re not in a relationship right now, you want friends with benefits.

You want to meet a woman you enjoy spending time with, to laugh with, and enjoy the wildest sex you’ve ever had. Over and over again.

Though, you’re a young man so you’re not mature enough to navigate this arrangement with a woman, so it becomes a fantasy. (…Deep down you know this is an immature fantasy, but a fantasy all the same.)

Then before you know it, you meet a woman that you enjoy spending time with. She’s hot, she likes you, you make each other laugh, and whenever you touch each other — it’s fire.

The night you first took her back to your place, you knew it was too wild and exciting to be a one-night stand. You’re going to do it again. And you do.

Date three comes around and you wonder where this is going. You suspect that she doesn’t want anything serious. But then you’ve been wrong about this kind of thing before.

Before you can start “the talk”, she asks you a question about relationships. You make a joke about it and say, “I wasn’t expecting that. We haven’t talked about this stuff yet have we?”.

She laughs.

“No. By the way, I’m not looking for anything serious right now. Usually when I say that it means that I don’t want to keep seeing a guy — but I do want to keep seeing you.”

You hear her words perfectly but they have little impact.

On one hand, you feel empty and a little hurt that you’re “not serious partner material”. But on the other hand, your ego gets a kick out of knowing she’s having fun. Even if it is frivolous fun, it’s a sign you’re doing something right.

(Don’t forget that not too many years ago you were hopeless with women.)

She wasn’t lying when she said that she wants to keep seeing you. You keep seeing each other and it’s a highlight of your week. It’s a rush. And the sex is the kind of sex you’ve been craving for a long time.

…So what’s the problem here exactly?

The problem is the second the sex is over, there’s a void. A big one. You both know it’s there but you ignore it. It’s only there for a few minutes until you have sex again. But then it comes back twice as cold.

And when she leaves, you feel empty. For all the enjoyment you get, that void appears and swallows it.

You both light each other up for the first few hours of the night but you always leave each other cold.

There’s no affection. No cuddling. No deep conversation. There’s no wondering where this could go because it’s already gone as far as it can go. And it’s not enough.

Is this what you wanted?

This is what you were jealous about when you learned your friend had a “friend with a benefit”?

Then it hits you: friends with benefits, like so many things, is not as good as it sounds.

For some, it’s a thrill. They have many friends with benefits. Good for them. But for a mind like yours, hooking up with the same person over and over again with no future is probably not good for you. And I think you knew that already.

It was the pressure of feeling like you need to be seeing someone as you’ve been the single one in your friend group for some time.

It was the “life is for living” stop being so serious and just have some fun!

It was lust.

It was… it was the strong desire in you to find the kind of connection that you’ve been dreaming about for too long, even if you knew early on that she wasn’t going to be it.

Whatever it is, it’s not enough.

While this has left you feeling empty and confused, there’s some good in this. It’s made you realise — now that you’ve lived it — that you want something more.

You knew this already, but the longing for it wasn’t strong enough.

It is now.

So why don’t you stop wasting your time?

Meet up with her one more time as it’s already in the diary and tell her that while this has been a lot of fun, you’re looking for something more.

It’s probably for the best that your next date will be your last night together.

You know what? It sucks.

She looked the part. She kissed amazing. She smelt amazing. You love the way she dresses. She has it all but she’s shut off the parts of herself that could make you fall for her. And so have you.

You’ve both shut down the parts of yourselves that will make someone fall deeply in love with you someday.

Just like “I want to drink Piña coladas on a beach every day when I retire”, you realise once again that you’ve fallen for an immature fantasy that won’t soothe you.

At least you know that now.

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