The Moment I Realized I Could Try But I Couldn’t Change an Already Made-Up Mind

Is it fair to influence someone else’s decision just because?

Values vs goals and the choices we make

When I was a child, my father was away a lot. I recall I used to cry and ask him to come back but those days he was so busy building his career that everything else was secondary. It is never a bad thing to pursue one’s dreams and goals; however, what I have observed in my life is that a single-minded pursuit can leave other important things by the wayside.

My family broke up when I was young. My mom moved out with my sibling and a hefty alimony while I moved to the US. By the time my father retired, he had conquered everything he had set out to careerwise but returned to an empty house.

My father and I share a close relationship. Over the years, he has been both mother and father to me. Once, I asked him whether money was more important than familial relationships. He responded that familial relationships were all well and good, however, life could be difficult if you don’t have money. Moreso if you became sick and didn’t have the wherewithal to pay the bills. Then you might end up becoming a burden to said family members.

I was genuinely sad that he felt that way.

My family has indeed enjoyed a comfortable if not privileged lifestyle thanks to my father being a successful doctor. But the question is, at what cost? My father is essentially alone, I have only recently started to rebuild my relationship with my mother after 16 years and I haven’t seen my sibling in as many years.

Did I mention they live in adjacent houses separated by an 8-foot wall and equally high wrought iron gates?

But I digress.

The fact of the matter is that I realized my father had made up his life priorities and would not change them even though I tried to convince him otherwise.

So, I let him be.

Back then, I didn’t realize I would end up using the same approach in my romantic relationships.

Knowing when to let them be as they are

Over the years, I have redirected my emotional energy inwards in self-reflection I have learned to understand who I am, what my principles are and most of all, the pointlessness of trying to change others.

Some are determined to pursue their own course, no matter what you say or do.

I believe this happens because everyone is different. We come from diverse backgrounds, experiences, and perspectives. These factors shape who we are and make each person unique.

Recognizing that each person’s journey is different, and trying to force my views on them can only lead to frustration, arguments, and disappointment made me understand the importance of discerning when to avoid intervening because it is likely to fall on deaf ears or worse, backfire in my face.

In that case, I feel the best approach is to let them be.

For example, I was once in a long-term relationship where there were more than just the two of us. Though he was aware of the devastation his actions caused, he repeatedly chose to turn a blind eye to that and continued with his pursuits.

When I realized the futility of trying to change someone who refused to change despite counseling and intervention, I chose to change by deciding to end that relationship.

This difficult decision, made after extensive self-reflection, was not solely about protecting my mental and emotional well-being but also about realizing that someone’s resistance to change shouldn’t trap another person in a bad situation.

Personal self-reflection and perspective

I frequently find myself drawn to individuals who resemble younger versions of my father, attempting to fill the void left during my childhood when he was absent for extended periods. The next individual I was in a relationship with was similarly absorbed in their career, leading to their absence in our relationship. Despite being successful careerwise, their primary focus remained on accumulating more wealth.

For some more is definitely better. But the question that lingered in my mind was: When will it truly be enough, if ever?

While I loved the man, our life goals did not align and when I realized we would never be able to see eye to eye about that, I decided to end things.

In hindsight, what else was I supposed to do?

Yes, he may have loved me but I wasn’t a priority. If I were, it would have required him to scale back his pursuit of goals to make room for our relationship, inevitably causing conflicts. Upon realizing that I would impede rather than assist him in achieving his never-ending aspirations, I chose to end the relationship.

Currently, I am involved in a relationship with someone I deeply care about. Recently, I shared with him a dream I had in which he was preparing for a dangerous boat trip somewhere. Despite expressing my worries about the trip, he assured me he would be safe. Yet, I inherently knew the opposite to be true.

I was torn between my emotional nature which urged me to dissuade him, and my rational mind which understood that his mind was made up.

When I asked him whether he would have listened to my plea not to go, or would have been relieved that I did not try to stop him, he responded that he would have listened to me.

Truth be told, in situations like this I am inclined to hold my peace rather than try to influence the outcome. Yes, I would voice my concerns but ultimately it is their decision.

Consider this: he is a mature individual fully capable of assessing the advantages and disadvantages of any situation (even if it was just a dream) and yet, he consciously chose to take the risk. This implies that reaching the other side held significant importance for him.

In such a situation, would it be fair for me to disrupt his plans?

From my father, I have learned some are wired to their goals. Missed opportunities due to a lack of support or sacrificing them for the sake of the other partner would only result in it being a bone of contention down the road.

I don’t think that would be conducive to the enduring success of a relationship.

In that way, my experiences have shaped my perspective and opened my eyes to the importance of letting people be. In other words, I cannot force anyone to change even if it calls for some difficult choices on my part.

More from Yana: “Silence Can Speak Volumes If Only We’d Press Pause and Listen”