Silence Can Speak Volumes If Only We’d Press Pause and Listen

Why neglecting the significance of nonverbal communication can be detrimental to relationships

Some generationally ingrained habits never die despite Americanizing oneself.

I originally come from a patriarchal culture where women are seen and not heard. Your opinion, if you have one, that is, is often suppressed by fathers, uncles, or brothers who claim to know better than you about your life choices and best interests.

Rebelling against their supposedly superior, often misguided, knowledge will win you nothing for your troubles except a complete clipping of your wings or worse, being ostracized by your family and community.

So, rather than tipping the apple cart, you choose silence hoping against hope that someone will eventually see repression or coercion to toe the line is not the answer.

In that case, better be ready to wait for a very long time, if ever.

It is for these reasons that I never talk about my ethnicity because I left all of that behind a long time ago. Whenever I am asked and I am asked this question a lot, my response is always: “I am American.”

At least here, creating your destiny and freedom of choice is not limited to what is deemed ‘appropriate’ for your sex particularly if there is a chance it might bring shame or dishonor to the family. Like divorce, for instance.

Since childhood, women of my generation were conditioned to believe that marriage and cultivating a ‘happy family life’ was the aspirational goal and that this sort of ‘fulfilled life’ represented the ultimate measurement of success.

So it is no exaggeration when I say being the only woman to have the courage to break free from an unhappy union in my family, I am forever doomed to be whispered about behind my back — not for being the woman who found the courage to stand up for herself but rather, the object of pity, contempt or blame.

Again, I chose silence rather than react, finding solace in the fact that I did what was right for myself and my mental health when I took that step.

In light of my past experiences, one might think that I hold a negative view of silence. However, I believe in the power of silence not only because of my introversion but also for self-reflection purposes.

Also, given my inherently emotional nature, I’ve learned that the best way to avoid emotions taking over and escalating a situation is by holding my peace until I have calmed down.

In relationships, I tended to prematurely end things with my partner, even when my feelings for them were genuine. It’s often said that hurt people tend to hurt others, and unfortunately, that has been true for me.

During the last instance where I considered ending the relationship, I may have unintentionally given my partner the impression that he was dispensable to me, even though the opposite was true. My actions stemmed from the inner struggle to convince myself that I deserve their love and am worthy of a healthy, loving relationship.

Recognizing this aspect of myself has proven beneficial, allowing me to step back whenever I feel the familiar urge to lash out and give myself space to let things cool down before responding.

At other times, I hoped my partner would cue into the fact that something was amiss based on my silence but either they didn’t reflect on it and respond accordingly or chose to ignore it.

Ironically, there were instances when they, too, opted for silence precisely when the remedy for bridging the gap was open communication.

In a previous post, I talked about how the clash of contrasting personalities can result in one partner communicating something, yet the other struggles to grasp the underlying meaning — whether expressed through words or in the subsequent silence. Here is an excerpt: “… my emotional, introspective nature contrasted with his pragmatic, present-focused and somewhat nonchalant approach to things that were important to me.”

In other words, he assumed my musings had no bearing on the present when in reality, they were an open invitation to engage in a conversation about our future.

He mistook the ensuing silence on my part as acquiescence when it was anything but that.

It wasn’t just that; whenever he would cancel plans due to work, he knew I’d be upset, so he’d choose silence to give me a wide berth to cool down before trying to placate me. The emphasis was on ’placate’ as he never attempted to change — thus making his priorities as clear as day.

I feel sad that there have been many times when my silence has been brimming with unspoken emotions and questions waiting for some sort of acknowledgment or a little intuitive encouragement to express them. Unfortunately, these opportunities were frequently disrupted by the incessant notifications on his phone or incoming business calls. During those times, the silence between us became pregnant with the frustration of what I wanted to communicate but deferred to a more suitable time

However, even those moments never materialized for they were often relegated to his to-do list and ultimately forgotten.

When I finally realized he wasn’t going to change, I chose to focus on changing myself. Consequently, I detached myself from the relationship.

Looking back, the breakdown of our relationship cannot be solely attributed to our diverse personalities. My tendency to suffer in silence, which often went unnoticed had a lot to do with it to the point where it became an insurmountable barrier.

Despite my unhappiness, it took a long time for me to decide to end the relationship mainly because it meant going against societal norms that had been deeply ingrained in me from childhood.

My experience taught me that while helpful for self-reflection and managing emotions, silence cannot substitute for addressing conflict and expressing needs in a relationship. That only leads to frustration and resentment.

Understanding that sustaining a healthy relationship involves acknowledging emotions, encouraging open dialogue, and engaging in meaningful conversations has helped clarify my relationship priorities.