The Marriage and The Affair

To cheat, or not to cheat?

Employment is like marriage. You’ve probably had the job for years, just like a spouse. It’s steady, dependable even. You might even love it. So, what’s the problem? The problem is that the marriage is no longer enough. You need some excitement in your life. So your mind starts to wander and you start an affair.

Writing, or the business you are creating, is the bit on the side. It’s thrilling every time you meet up with your lover. But those moments are fleeting. You have to snatch time together whenever you can, before work or during your lunch break. It never seems enough. You’re always left wanting more.

So what does that mean for the marriage? It’s not that you don’t appreciate your job. It’s ever-present and reliable. Of course, you are grateful for it. It helps to feed and clothe you and any dependents you may have. It’s just not all you want from life.

So what now?

It’s decision time.

Option 1 — Ditch the lover and make the marriage work

Can you find a way to rekindle the passion you first felt when the job was fresh and exciting? If so, it’s time to break up with the lover and give the marriage your full attention. Accept that the 9–5 is all that will ever work for you. That’s ok. It’s your life, your decision.

Option 2 — Keep the marriage and the lover

Appreciate that you have to continue splitting yourself in two if you want to have the best of both worlds. While you may feel conflicted in your loyalties, and divided in your attentions, you may have to carry on as you are if you want to keep the hope of success alive. One day you will have to make a decision. But, if that day is not today, keep going as you are. As long as neither party is hurt by the other, you can continue with your double life.

Option 3 — Run off with the lover

The excitement is all you want. You can’t bear the thought of dealing with mundanity anymore. You have to make the leap and cut off all other possibilities. The lover suddenly becomes everything to you. You may replace one spouse with another, one job with another, and then find yourself in the same position again. Will it work? There’s only one way to find out.

This story was inspired by re-reading my story Eat Your Sh*t Sandwich which in turn was inspired by Elizabeth Gilbert’s book Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear.

“But to yell at your creativity, saying, “You must earn money for me!” is sort of like yelling at a cat; it has no idea what you’re talking about, and all you’re doing is scaring it away because you’re making really loud noises and your face looks weird when you do that.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear

And so this, it seems to me, suggests that we shouldn’t force things. The bit on the side might always be the bit on the side, never quite making it to spouse status. And that’s ok. If you need those snatched moments to feel alive, keep going, and if one day you walk out on your marriage to take a chance on the lover, good luck with that too.

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