Life Lessons/Love
The Man I Had An Affair With is Still With His Wife
“I’m only there for the kids.”
The man I had a tumultuous four-year-long affair with had been adamant that he was only staying in the marriage and home with his wife for the sake of his kids.
He said he didn’t love his wife. Not like in the way he loved me. He said she knew he wanted out. But she wouldn’t let him go. He said they didn’t even have sex anymore. She disgusted him. He said they only got married because she got pregnant.
He claimed he was trapped in a loveless, sexless, despondent marriage.
Well, everything this man told me was simply not accurate. I had been duped. A year in, I realized this was the case. The problem was, I was madly in love — and even more madly in lust.
It turned out that he did love his wife. One day I picked up his wallet and found a picture of the two of them in it. That stung. It killed me. Why would you keep a picture of your wife in your wallet if you didn’t want a reminder of her every time you opened it? When I confronted him, he laughed while I dripped hot tears and said that she had probably put it in his wallet. Oh, how I wanted to believe that.
It turned out that his wife had no idea he wanted to leave her. She was absolutely shocked when she found out about our affair. She had her suspicions — yes — but she certainly didn’t react like a wife who knew her husband was stepping out on her or that she was okay with his side dalliances. She was NOT okay with it. Not at all.
It turned out that they did still have sex. I know because, in the end, when she and I spoke on the phone and I apologized to her, she told me. I suspected they were still having sex but, again, I was in denial. You can read about the rest of my conversation with her later.
It turned out that the marriage wasn’t such a miserable trap after all. I came to find out that she was supporting him financially. She made much more money than him. She was educated. He was not. He was dependent on her for material things. She bought them a new house and he relied upon her job to keep his comfortable lifestyle intact and to utilize the excellent medical coverage it offered.
It turned out that once both of his kids turned 18, he stayed. And he’s still there, even though both kids are off to college.
Even though this episode in my life is long gone, the scars still remain. The foolishness I displayed during those years stuns me as an older and hopefully wiser person. The pain of finding out that someone you think you love is so easily and brazenly lying to you and to their partner is sobering.
Unfortunately, this is a common scenario. Generally, speaking, married people who are cheating usually do not leave their partners. Otherwise, they wouldn’t be having an affair at all. They would have already left that person. The writing is usually on the wall.
Beware of the red flags you might try to turn purple with the seductive blue light of denial. We often don’t want to see the truth because the reality of it simply hurts too much. Take it from me.
However, most of the time it’s best to just rip that bandaid off, feel that searing pain, and then eventually heal from that wretched wound.
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