The Long Term Effects of Porn Bushes Becoming Obsolete on Society

The story of the first hard core porno video I owned

“We found a tape in the park!” My ten year old sister Cerise yelled as she and her best friend came running through the house. The girls ran into the family room where I was reading and scrambled to plunge their plunder into the VCR and turn on the TV.

“It didn’t have a label…”

*Gasp* They found a porn bush! It has to be porn. It might be good porn! Oh please let it be porn! Oh please oh please!

My sister turned on the VHS player and pressed play.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!” The girls screamed.

I smirked. Jackpot.

My friends and I were at our fathers’ mercy for porn. I was lucky to have a Dad with Playboys in his nightstand. He used those to distract me from the hard core tickle torture bondage magazines I’d find in his closest when I was older.

One of the boys in the neighborhood had a cable TV descrambler that gave him every channel. Porno was on Playboy and the Spice Network but they were blue balls inducing cock teases that weren’t worth watching.

No penetration. Just 10 minute shots of the adult actresses face going. “Oh! Ah! Oh yeah baby! Oh! Ooh!” The guy is three feet behind her and off to the side bucking his hips with his eyes closed grunting.

When they went down on each other it would only show the back of the pitcher’s head in the catcher’s lap. Sometimes you’d catch a glimpse of dick shaft but never open vagoo. And you never saw IT.

“Oh god! That’s disgusting!” I said to my sister as convincingly as possible. “Give me that tape! I’ll get rid of it for you.”

“Oh! Thank you!” My sister said sincerely as she handed over my precious.

That was easy.

I waited till everyone was asleep and then waited another half hour before I snuck down stairs. I had all the lights off and turned the volume down to two.

I sat three inches away from the TV and had one finger on the off button of VCR that remained there the whole time. I looked behind me every two seconds.

Oh my brothers, it was glorious. The people were kinda beat up looking. The camera work wasn’t the best. When people spoke their words came out a split second before their lips started moving. but I didn’t care. I finally saw penetration.

I was educated in the sex by my parents and public school. Their approaches were different, but both sucked. At public school my gym teacher put a condom on a banana and showed us this thing.

My mom rented my sister and I a tape from the public service section of Blockbuster called Where Did I Come From. As a writer I’m an authoritative voice when when it comes to strange and bizarre media. Where Did I Come From is the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen.

I just re-watched this animated cartoon from England. Thirty years later it’s still so weird. It’s hilarious but this was supposed to be my sexual education. It never explained penetration. And it was fucking bonkers.

My theory was the slit on little girls healed when their bush came in. To have sex, the man rubs his penis through the woman's pubes. When he rubs and bounces fast, the sperm comes out of the mans penis and is absorbed through the woman’s pubes.

I tried mastrabating using the soft side of Velcro because that’s what Playboy taught me a vagina was. Pubes.

And so did this cartoon.

My porno tape was the real deal. Dick in the pussy intercourse and you could see everything. I had the greatest jerk of my life that night. I think I came in ninety seconds. It was the hottest thing I’d ever seen.

One slight problem.

Before the porn stars take grandma to Applebee's, the scenes start with the women in high heels. He’s sitting on the floor naked and out of nowhere WHAM! She starts teeing off on his balls. Hard. There’s bad intent and purpose behind every kick and they’re coming in fast. Then she starts stomping on them like she was trying to kill a mouse. Pulverizing repeating stomps. Then she starts targeting guys testicles with her heels. It was brutal and it goes on for twenty long minutes. Then they have sex for ten minutes.

My porno tape had 30 minutes of hard core sex and 60 minutes of unwatchable nutsack torture. Still, hard core sex.

I told my friends and Steve and David came right over. We were all porn crazy thirteen year old boys and none of us had seen hard core porn. When my parents and sister went out I put the tape on and had it cued up so they didn’t see the sack stomping.

No one said a word for minutes. Finally Steve Song goes, “So that’s what it looks like,” while waving his index finger at the TV.

I warned them about the cock and ball torture. They insisted on seeing it. Within thirty seconds of the first kick they turned away and screamed, “Turn it off! Turn it off!” It never grew on me, it was always disturbing.

I had forgot the porno in the VCR once and Mom’s Young And The Restless program didn’t record. Thank god she didn’t press play. But she ejected it and asked what it was. I told her it was a tape for some exercise machine.

There were commercials for the Bowflex nautilus machine during Monday Night RAW. I was into to body building at the time and I called for the free tape. I took off the label from the Bowflex tape and put it on my porno.

Now that it had the label on it, I figured I could just leave it in the rack with the rest of my family videos. Who would ever watch that? Throughout high school it sat in my families movie rack. Though rarely in the same place.

When I was seventeen my Mom says to me, “You sure do watch that Bowflex video a lot. You have a job. Why don’t you just buy it for yourself?”

“Yeah. Maybe I will.”

I had no plans of buying a Bowflex. But guess what I got for Chanukah that year!

“You watch that tape all the time so I got it for you!” My mom said.

Getting my drivers license meant I was able get new porno movies and magazines. But the Bowflex torture tape stayed in my library for a long time. I’m not sure what happened to the tape, but Jon Norris probably stole it. Because Jon Norris has admittedly stolen half the porn I’ve ever owned.

I sold the Bowflex machine at a garage sale a few years ago. Every time I looked at it I heard the agonizing screams of the guy from scene three. I don’t know how much they paid him, but it wasn’t enough.

If you try to talk to kids about porn bushes today, they run away and tell an adult. I always porn bushed my old porn that Jon Norris didn’t steal. I hoped to give the joy of pornography to another underage boy or girl, hopefully not too young.

The idea of any physical media is outdated. I’d like to say kids are missing out, but they’re not. Pornhub is the new porn bush.