The ‘Living in His Mama’s Basement’ Fallacy

When young people take up residence with older family members, critics use it as yet another excuse to bask in their ageism

On a daily basis, I watch The View…just waiting for the ageism to flow from the self-important mouths of its cohosts. As a Millennial, I’m accustomed to this throughout daily life. In the same way older people are often dismissed as clueless and senile, us younger (well, relatively younger) people are too often dismissed as shallow and quixotic.

Most frequently, such rhetoric comes from the mouth of Joy Behar.

On some occasions, it comes from the mouth of Whoopi Goldberg.

Before she departed the program, it oozed from the self-loathing mouth of Meghan McCain.

But this mindset-turned-speech has been most succinctly represented by The View’s resident know-it-all, Sunny Hostin. When bashing the conceptualized avatar of youthful entitlement, Hostin degrades a caricature of an ungrateful slacker who is…

“Livin’ in his mama’s basement!”

This mantra isn’t limited to the women of The View, lest you take my anecdote too literally.

Last summer, I reviewed the book Can’t Even by Anne Helen Petersen:

Through her research, Petersen has tracked the negative stereotypes associated with the Millennial generation. And, via personal interviews combined with hard data, she debunks much of that stereotyping.

Sadly, the sloth mascot hasn’t solely been pinned on us Millennials. It is now extending to Zoomers — and, in all likelihood, once they begin reaching adulthood 6–8 years from now, to the Alphas.

While bigoted and inappropriate, it isn’t hard to see why America’s three youngest generations have been painted with such derision. As I mention in Part Four of my “Confessions of a Gen Y Kid” series, the 1999 Columbine shootings ushered the imagery of Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris into our homes.

These two tech-savvy, gun-lovin’, socially-awkward, online-gaming, angry-at-the-world “Xennials” proceeded to kill fifteen people at their high school. And GI-Gens, Traditionalists, Boomers, and GenXers collectively freaked out about the prospect of their own children or grandchildren being headed down the same path.

If you think I’m taking this commentary personally…you’d be right.

I am one of millions of Americans between the ages of 18 through 42 who still resides with their parents. For me, it wasn’t always this way. I attended college, where I lived away from home for most of the academic year as an undergraduate. For another ten years, I lived independently while attempting to build a career. Yes, my parents would assist me by gifting me small amounts of money whenever they could (same for my sister). But, in general, I had to learn how to manage and subsist on my own finances.

Before I go any further: yes, I realize that Hostin and other members of the 50+ crowd are generally referring to adult children who endlessly mooch off of their parents while wasting away their own days with frivolous leisure activities.

Of course I know that you’re not accusing me, individually. Especially if you learn more about my daily life. I spend my weeks earning money through online writing and other freelance work. Additionally, I use what could otherwise be my “free time” participating in political activism as someone who has limited mobility or transportation options.

I also contribute to our household expenses. I purchase us groceries with my own money — especially nonperishable items that we can store for months, or even years, until we need them. In fact, just this past week, my mom gently scolded me for buying an eight-roll pack of paper towels (“They’re too expensive,” she insisted. “Let Dad buy them, so you don’t have to spend your own money”).

Since my parents haven’t retired yet, I’m around for a majority of the day to answer our landline. I can also intercept packages or deliveries (especially if a signature is needed) while they’re at work. In hotter months, I tend to my mom’s pots and trellises full of summer flowers. I do all of my own laundry, and I prepare a vast majority of my own meals (and sometimes I even make entrées, side dishes, or desserts for my parents and visiting sister).

I don’t sit around in our basement, playing video games. My bedroom isn’t even in the basement!

The reason why I had to move “back home” is rather complicated, in my case. A lot of it stems from the fact that I am autistic. But why should neurotypical adult children be given less grace? I have classmates and friends who’ve either moved back in with their parents or relocated so they’d be near their parents — and it happens for all sorts of reasons.

But this isn’t just about me…even though critics might lump me in with #KidsTheseDays upon taking a quick glance in my direction.

Anti-youth ageism has been cyclical across generations.

Writing for News-Press in 2018, Kira Lewis pointed to the National School Walkout as one example of disdain from older people against younger people. This disdain stems from lack of understanding. As Lewis puts it:

Teenagers have always been caught in a strange middle place in our society. Depending on what we as adults want or expect of them, we often oscillate between telling them to act and be more responsible, like adults, and then simultaneously treating them like children.

She goes on to cite past social movements for civil rights and human rights as causes often fueled by the energy of young people during those eras — the same people who, today, would be Traditionalists, Boomers, or Xers.

Lewis also praises those generations for their volunteerism and innovation (within historical context), and argues that similar values exist amongst Millennials and Zoomers…if older people are willing to look for and recognize them.

Furthermore, Andy Pool — a research scientist at the Center for Parent & Teen Communication — suggests that contempt for younger generations (and related subcultures) is what pressures us to pigeonhole ourselves into cliques. This Old/Young dichotomy denies adolescents (and young adults) of enriching these relationships with our parents. It sets up a false choice for us of seeing our parents as either villains or buddies.

Pool reminds older ageist people how the failure of parents to set boundaries is often based on the parents’ low expectations. A lot of this may stem from cultural stereotypes that demand monodirectional deference, from young toward old. Teens (or young people in general) can turn this into a self-fulfilling prophecy…and then, parents violate their own intended boundaries by overcorrecting.

Such is the cycle. The media, predictably, will exaggerate adversarial parent/child relationships. Families absorb those societal messages.

I would go so far as to say that ageism can intertwine with racism. Pool mentions how, culturally, many Indigenous and Latino families promote bidirectional respect between generations. Ditto when it comes to many Asian ethnicities — where grown children moving in with (and taking care of) their elders is outright revered.

Yet, too many corners of our “mainstream” society still cling to the outdated adage of:

“Children should be seen and not heard!”

So does that mean young people of East Asian, MENA, Latino, Pacific Islander, and Indigenous descent are exempt from this narrative? Or does such a narrative presume that their cultural norms for familial dynamics are usually wrong?

In late-2015, Venice High School student Cynthia Rubalcalva wrote a short piece about anti-youth stereotypes for her student-run newspaper, The Oarsman. She listed off some of the following allegations leveled against members of Gen Y and Gen Z:

Lazy

Devious

Selfish

Naïve

Tech-dependent

Rubalcalva acknowledged how these traits can be displayed by individual teenagers. However, she stresses that clinging to them as truthful stereotypes only erases the values of teenagers who embrace philanthropy, work ethic, and team-building.

Meanwhile, The Guardian’s Aisha Gani delineates stereotypes of young people with more pointed description — particularly the hostility directed against Millennials:

• Lofty expectations, due to a sense of entitlement
• Chronic laziness, based on expecting “participation trophies”
• Hard work is only performed due to a sense of obligation
• Frequent job-hopping, lacking a desire for stability
• Refusal to accept mentorship from elders

In short order, Gani debunks these myths. In fact, she says, occupational wages often pay less than an employee’s time commitment is worth. There are many Millennials and Zoomers who harbor internalized ageism toward themselves based on the generic “millennial” label (notice how it’s written in ALL lowercase!) — especially when the epithet of “participation trophies” is invoked.

Gani continues to defend younger generations. They embrace work-life integration. Job-hopping actually happens at similar rates compared to past generations. Bidirectional coaching/mentoring is on the rise in the workplace, intergenerationally.

So, here’s my question: if we’re going to rightfully admonish people for stereotyping folks who are Black, female, disabled, poor, LGBT+, or gender nonconforming, then how does it make sense to stereotype a stranger due to their birthyear?

Anyone who is inclined to direct ageism toward others either younger or older than themselves needs to look inward.

Business coach Marla Tabaka points out how Baby Boomers had their own share of draft-dodgers and hippies. GenXers emulated the Boomer pattern of job-hopping, which has become an inevitable trend as pensions and merit rewards are eliminated by employers.

In the face of changing global circumstances, she praises the adept innovation of Gen Y…which has been even more elevated by members of Gen Z. Sometimes, Tabaka reminds us, you need to break the rules in order to change those rules.

Back in 2012, Huffington Post contributor Julianne Micoleta observed Zoomers who were just beginning to broach the earliest years of adulthood. At that time, “lazy” and “apathetic” were similar descriptors stamped upon Gen Z — very reminiscent of those to which us members of Gen Y have been subjected ever since the mid-1990s.

Micoleta concedes that Millennials’ and Zoomers’ relationship with gadgets makes us perhaps more sedentary than previous generations. For us, social media has become more of a priority than traditional “mainstream” news.

In other words, she concludes, it comes down to the younger individual’s ability to adapt. Many Zoomers place increasingly conscious emphases on their educational experiences. Contrary to popular belief, they do make it a point to follow current events. Volunteerism continues even amongst the youngest teens.

Here’s what I think many older people are trying to say: if somebody under the age of 45 is still living with their parents — is it due to mooching or necessity?

If it’s the former (mooching), then that’s a problem created by those grown kids who’ve taken advantage of their retired parents’ generosity.

But don’t assume that it’s never the latter (necessity).

Because, quite often, it is.