The Law of Attraction Helped Me Find a Better Relationship

Changing my mindset changed my life.

Dating can be a vicious cycle. Our experiences with our partners and how they treat us can change how we see ourselves, affecting us even after the breakup.

According to researchers Lauren Howe and Carol Dweck at Stanford University, our self-image comes largely from how others view us. If we have a fixed mindset, we’re more likely to see those qualities they “assign” to us as irrevocable; we feel like our partner broke up with us because we did something wrong.

To make matters worse, people coming out of an unhealthy relationship in which their partner criticized them or made them feel inadequate may struggle even in healthy relationships because they’re having to change how they view themselves and deal with residual trauma.

They also may not even find themselves in healthy relationships after — chemical changes occur in our brain in which falling into one toxic relationship right after another is common.

When we feel loved, we feel extra serotonin and dopamine. And when our partner doesn’t give us that same love, we crave it. We become stuck an intermittent reinforcement cycle, and may feel like those toxic relationships are what we deserve, having experienced relationships in which we felt unworthy. We may also self-sabotage our relationships out of fear.

I’ve found myself in somewhat unhealthy relationships in which men breadcrumbed and paperclipped me. In these relationships, those men essentially used me for the confidence and affection I could give them without giving me that same attention and love in return.

I pushed a lot of my feelings to the side and made excuses because I wanted a relationship so badly. I figured an up-and-down relationship was better than not having one at all. I found myself stuck in an intermittent reinforcement cycle from those moments in which I thought those men were treating me well. Part of me figured I was just doomed to those relationships and didn’t really have a choice.

But then I hit my breaking point.

I realized I was being used and that my giving those men attention was repeatedly ending in heartbreak. I realized I was unhappy more than I was happy. I would feel hope in the relationship only to find out they were on dating apps; they didn’t treat me as if I was interesting enough to treat well consistently. I felt tired from all the tears and anxiety I felt over their inability to pick up the phone. I made a vow to let go of unhealthy relationships.

So I ended it.

Instead of feeling lonely, I felt happy and free. I was proud of myself for finding my way out and felt relieved I wouldn’t have to deal with the emotionally exhausting ups and downs anymore.

I had a gut feeling — one I believe came from God — that I was about to find myself in a much better relationship, in which I felt cherished, taken care of, and both liked and loved. I held onto that gut feeling, trusting it and remaining patient.

The law of attraction then came into play. The law of attraction says we attract experiences and people we focus on and believe we’ll find. It says we can turn thoughts and hopes into reality.

Part of me sees this as wishful thinking and believes it’s hogwash. But I also think it makes sense and has the power to work sometimes.

Part of the reason why we keep feeling attracted to emotionally unavailable partners is because we think that’s what we deserve and what’s meant for us. We get stuck in the intermittent reinforcement cycle and put up with people who don’t treat us adequately.

But when we realize we want, deserve and can have better relationships, we don’t put up with the others. We can better recognize the signs of a healthy, happy relationship versus an unhealthy, unhappy one. We feel extra self-love and self-respect, and we put good vibes out into the universe.

And what can I say — within about five months, I found myself in that relationship with a person who’s treated me better than I’ve ever imagined was possible.

I receive love and attention as much as I give it. I’m taken care of when I feel upset. I feel interesting, important and valued.

And that means more to me than I can say.

Don’t get me wrong — I still struggle, like many do. I sometimes feel like I’m not as good of a girlfriend. I feel like I don’t deserve this excellent treatment. I’m quick to believe I’m the one who causes problems and is annoying and needy. I’m struggle with my insecure attachment style, which exacerbates these thoughts and feelings.

But the difference is this: When I bring attention to these worries, my partner negates them. I’m reminded these worries result from trauma and the way my brain works. Like my therapist tells me, feelings aren’t facts, and communication about these worries can help us realize how invalid they are. I now feel more comfortable with the person I am.

I’m not sure how convinced I am that the law of attraction always works, and I doubt it always works as quickly as it did for me in this situation.

But I also don’t think that believing in it hurts. I think positivity — but not toxic positivity — and changing the way we see ourselves and the world can help give us the confidence, ability and bravery to find what we want.

When we get out of that fixed mindset in which we feel stuck with our personality and change to a growth mindset, we can change our lives. We realize we can grow into the person we want to be, attaining the strengths we need to get what we want. We become more open-minded and courageous. We realize we aren’t completely powerless to what happens to us. We realize our amazing possibilities and take control of our lives.

According to author Vishen Lakhiani, as we grow up, we learn the “rules” that will lead to acceptance and safety. However, Lakhiani believes we shouldn’t set our minds on these rules, only absolute facts.

Instead of believing all of our relationships will be awful, we can realize only some will be. Instead of believing we’re bad people because one toxic person told us we were, we can realize we’re more than their opinion.

When we struggle to change those thoughts and perspectives, we can reach out to people for their advice and encouragement.

And then, regardless of whether we get what we want, we’ll grow.