The Land of Hard Truths: Lesson from a Failed Marriage

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Abstract

able of cleaning up their messes.</i></li><li><i>Expecting support from a partner is not asking too much.</i></li><li><i>Asking to have my needs met is healthy.</i></li><li><i>I get to decide how I respond to my partner’s unwillingness or inability to meet my needs.</i></li><li><i>When I decide to make changes that are healthy, not everyone is going to be supportive.</i></li><li><i>Change is hard.</i></li><li><i>I do not want to live a life of comparison where my value and contributions are measured against some unknowable ideal.</i></li><li><i>Honesty takes courage.</i></li><li><i>Relationships take effort.</i></li><li><i>Neglect and laziness are close cousins.</i></li><li><i>I am willing to work and invest in the people and relationships that matter to me, but others may not be.</i></li><li><i>I can love someone with all that I have, and leaving is still the right choice.</i></li><li><i>Divorce is not my failure to love. It is the failure of the relationship and we are both responsible for its demise.</i></li></ul><p id="8e4d">As we are coming to the final unwinding of this marriage, it is clear to me that my greatest failure has been in not telling the truth. I see so many unhealthy patterns of relating that formed because I was unwilling to address the trouble that flowed beneath it.</p><p id="2baa">My silence has been driven by my desire to keep my soon-to-be ex happy rather than having a relationship built on the firm foundation of truth. In doing this, I created my shackles and locked myself into a life outside of my authenticity with each compromise — with each stuffing away of truth.</p><p id="dfeb">It is hard to consider that perhaps the answer to the decades of trouble in this marriage was something I have known since childhood. That tiny bit of wisdom from my daddy turns out to be not so small after all. I had always held the key to unlock my prison.</p><p id="5f01">The truth really can set you free.</p><div id="263c" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/the-end-of-a-marriage-3d4e3ac5f162"> <div> <div> <h2>The End of a Marriage</h2> <div><h3>In the final gasp of the decades-long journey, I finally understood that I didn’t measure up. Turns out, neither did…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*iSAc58jCKJRT-U4M)"></div> </di

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v> </div> </a> </div><div id="10f8" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/our-end-started-in-our-beginning-lessons-from-a-failed-marriage-7d04ec6e8080"> <div> <div> <h2>Our End Started in Our Beginning: Lessons from a Failed Marriage</h2> <div><h3>The signs were there from the start. It just took three decades to understand the implications.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*guVLwZV3Z6i2QQm5)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="5ebb" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/the-price-of-wanting-lessons-from-a-failed-marriage-ab635d7ea91d"> <div> <div> <h2>The Price of Wanting: Lessons from a Failed Marriage</h2> <div><h3>Everything comes at a cost. What are you willing to pay?</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*kyLRU-0oh1de7C8a)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="16f1" class="link-block"> <a href="https://maggieqcollins.medium.com/list/0316f580d4a7"> <div> <div> <h2>Maggie's Thoughts on Marriage and Divorce</h2> <div><h3>Edit description</h3></div> <div><p>maggieqcollins.medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*fdc404bcb32a900075b70d43e04c928168d622f9.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="7def"><a href="https://maggieqcollins.medium.com/"><i>Read more about Maggie and her journey.</i></a></p><p id="8f2b"><i>Want more from Maggie Q. Collins? <a href="https://maggieqcollins.medium.com/subscribe"></a></i><a href="https://maggieqcollins.medium.com/subscribe">Subscribe to her email list</a>.</p><p id="415d">Today is your day to become a subscriber to <a href="https://maggieqcollins.medium.com/membership">Medium</a>! Your membership directly supports Maggie Q. Collins and other writers so you keep getting great content.</p></article></body>

Freedom was always within my reach. I just didn’t know to look for it!

As the years begin to rush faster past, it is becoming clearer that my daddy has far more wisdom than the rush of youth allowed me to appreciate.

When something was going on in a relationship and I sought his advice, it was almost always the same. He stopped whatever he had been doing while I rambled on about the issue and put down the tool in his hand.

He would wipe his brow and with his deep Southern drawl, he says, “Honey, the truth will set you free.”

It was infuriating. I didn’t want to be set free! I wanted advice on how to make my boyfriend love me or my friend be kinder.

Last week, I pulled up a chair beside my much older father. It always strikes me as funny how I see his age more than I feel my own. It didn’t take long for the end of my marriage to come to the conversation. The advice is the same as it has always been.

He challenged me to get the real truth of the matters at hand.

Always willing to accept a challenge, I began to sort back through the decades of my marriage. I also gave myself plenty of time to dig through my choice to walk away.

These are the things that bubbled to the surface in my heart and revealed the age-old wisdom in my daddy’s approach to living his life.

Love is not enough.

I can’t make someone love me, consider me, or see me differently.

There are no easy paths once you decide to live an authentic life that is shared with others.

Some problems have no solution.

I am responsible for how I show up in my own life and relationships.

I am not responsible for the choices others make.

Sacrificing myself to keep a partner happy is not love.

Silencing my pain to keep the illusion of peace is not love.

Expecting a partner to behave like an adult is not unreasonable.

People are capable of cleaning up their messes.

Expecting support from a partner is not asking too much.

Asking to have my needs met is healthy.

I get to decide how I respond to my partner’s unwillingness or inability to meet my needs.

When I decide to make changes that are healthy, not everyone is going to be supportive.

Change is hard.

I do not want to live a life of comparison where my value and contributions are measured against some unknowable ideal.

Honesty takes courage.

Relationships take effort.

Neglect and laziness are close cousins.

I am willing to work and invest in the people and relationships that matter to me, but others may not be.

I can love someone with all that I have, and leaving is still the right choice.

Divorce is not my failure to love. It is the failure of the relationship and we are both responsible for its demise.

As we are coming to the final unwinding of this marriage, it is clear to me that my greatest failure has been in not telling the truth. I see so many unhealthy patterns of relating that formed because I was unwilling to address the trouble that flowed beneath it.

My silence has been driven by my desire to keep my soon-to-be ex happy rather than having a relationship built on the firm foundation of truth. In doing this, I created my shackles and locked myself into a life outside of my authenticity with each compromise — with each stuffing away of truth.

It is hard to consider that perhaps the answer to the decades of trouble in this marriage was something I have known since childhood. That tiny bit of wisdom from my daddy turns out to be not so small after all. I had always held the key to unlock my prison.

The truth really can set you free.

Today is your day to become a subscriber to Medium! Your membership directly supports Maggie Q. Collins and other writers so you keep getting great content.