The Inconvenient Truth: Lessons from a Failed Marriage
Realizing that even the simplest connection is now unattainable leads me to ponder what actually existed in the first place.
Sometimes relationships reach a point where there is no easy way out. All of the roads are just hard and none are going to come without a cost that will likely be a broken heart.
Before my decision to finally walk away, there were several options available. Each with its own set of wins and losses for everyone involved. But eventually, each of those pathways closed. Some of them I dared venture down in hopes of a different outcome. For others, there was neither the energy nor the desire to try.
Deciding that there was nothing left to salvage, nothing left to work towards, nothing left to share has a pain all its own. Mostly the pain comes from wondering what it all was for and what you missed along the way that could have helped repair the fault lines or avoid the pending destruction.
Sitting with my soon-to-be ex and sorting the remaining pieces of our once-shared life, I made an honest statement.
“I hope that when this is all said and done we can find a way to still be friends.”
With that one statement, any hope of a continued shared connection came crashing down. That was not my intent, but it seems my honesty in this relationship always comes at a cost.
Back to the Begining As a part of our origin story, there is a chapter where he sent me a letter to end our relationship. I went to him after a few days of tending my broken heart and shared my truth.
“I want to understand what you intend with this letter. Do you want me out of your life? Do you not want to pursue a deeper connection such as marriage? Can we be friends?”
He was important to me. I wanted his presence in my life. I didn’t need to be his girlfriend, life partner, or spouse. I just enjoyed him and wanted to have him as a part of my world. I appreciated him as a person and was interested in being a part of his world if he wanted me.
We agreed to be friends. Six weeks later, he proposed. And the rest is, as they say, history.
The True Source of the Problem Today as I sat across the room from him, my words hung in the air as if they had been painted by some sort of sorcerer’s magic. In every space of this unwinding, I have tried to be compassionate and act within my integrity and love. There have been moments that I have not always been successful, but I have truly tried. Friendship did not seem too far out of reach for me.
Though I am no longer sharing the path he wishes to forge for his life, I do wish good things for him. I do want him to find joy, peace, and love. In truth, I do still love this man and want him to be healthy and find healing that I was unable to bring to him or our marriage. We share a lovely daughter so our lives will be forever entangled. I see no reason to create hostility, especially in light of that reality.
“I don’t want to be your friend.”
The fierceness of his snarling caught me off guard. I was actually taken aback. His ferocious words hit their intended target in my heart and the wounds began to once again run down my cheek as they have countless times before.
Only this time, I understand him — I understand us — in a way I never have before.
I have valued him and his presence in my life for as long as I can remember. I have wanted to share his life and to open mine to him. I have been willing to do whatever is needed to continue to maintain a connection — to keep him in my world. It is a foundational piece of how I built what I believed was our shared world.
What is becoming painfully clear to me in this unwinding is that he has never held me in the same esteem in his life and his world. As I think back to that break-up letter all those years ago, I wonder what would have happened if I had never reached out to him.
What would be our story if I had realized that I deserved someone who wanted me in their life as much as I wanted them in mine?
Perhaps the only tears I would have shed for this man would have fallen on that long gravel driveway as my heart shattered from his walking away before any of this began three decades ago. Perhaps there is some truth to the saying, ‘When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.’
I may have missed that chance all those years ago to avoid all this pain, but I can promise I won’t miss it the second time around.
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