The Incels Might be Right. BUT…

OK, I know that incels have a bad reputation and often for a good reason (allegedly not being attractive enough to get laid being the least of them), but hear me out. I recently came across an article on here that got me thinking. I’m not a Medium member at this time, so I only could read some of it, but a part of it said:

On a primal level many women are most sexually attracted to a fairly alpha and success driven guy… although ‘that guy’ can rarely give a woman the attention and emotional connection she needs. So the relationship feels initially hot but then disappointing. A man who has led his entire life chasing dollars from a screen or status in his industry is not usually the same man who has invested in therapy and nervous system work. The guy who “eat, pray, loved” his life and found a path to deep connection often isn’t in a career women would see as ‘masculine’ enough. The guy living in the van in Costa Rica half of each year isn’t wildly successful on Bumble.

So I want to focus on the first part for a bit. Basically she talked about what many women are attracted to on a primal level. I wrote another article, basically talking about how people and society may try to shy away from the painful truth about attraction, but for the sake of the argument, let’s say that what she is saying and what many incels say is right: on a primal level, many women are typically attracted to the “Chads”: the very attractive, probably tall, “alpha” males, who exude, masculinity and all of that stuff. Perhaps the typical bad boy or whatever.

Of course, having money helps, so we could throw that into the mix as well (although I see money as being more of an equalizer to help those who may not have the purely natural traits or qualities that attract women regardless of resources). We could even say, for the sake of the argument, that hypergamy is true, at least to a degree. That is, that women typically gravitate towards the best of the best or tend to “date up” while many men are willing to “date down” (socially, financially, etc.) in many cases, at least if the women are perceived to be attractive to them.

Fortunately or unfortunately, there may be truth to the idea that, at least when it comes to dating and relating, people can be superficial. After all, some say there is no affirmative action policies or non-discrimination policies in dating. People like what they like and, regardless of how unfair it seems or how great of a person you may be, if people don’t find you attractive, then it is what it is. Best you can do is make yourself the most attractive version of yourself that you can, but even that may only take you so far and only with the right people.

So basically what I’m trying to say is, the incels might be right about the situation (about some women being attracted to very handsome, tall, “alpha”, bad boys, maybe rich type of guys and that on dating apps, many women only swipe right on the hot or so-called top percent guys), but to exactly how much of a degree may be up for debate.

And yes, it may be that sometimes personality, confidence, and non-superficial traits can win some women over. Some might tell incels to look around at the couples that they see in the real world and see that all of the guys who are in relationships don’t appear to be Chads. Of course, some might respond that those women “settled.” It may also be that some women, at least once they got older, realized that the guys they were attracted to weren’t necessarily the best people and learned to look beyond the superficial traits they were attracted to in order to try to be attracted to the man underneath. A noble endeavor, no doubt.

But for the sake of the argument, let’s just say that the incels are pretty right about the situation and that the situation may seem fairly dire for a lot of average men when it comes attracting women and maintaining relationships. After all, it is said that there is a loneliness epidemic amongst men in general, and that a lot of younger men are having a harder time dating, etc. these days.

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Then what?

I think I read a quote that said something about circumstances revealing who you really are. And I guess that’s what it all boils down to.

“Circumstances don’t make the man, they only reveal him to himself.” — Epictetus.

So to any incels, although the situation may not be particularly great, the real question is, what do you plan to do about it? What should you do about it? There’s the rub. Some might say that they believe that anyone is capable of anything under the right circumstances. Some also say that desperate times call for desperate measures. In other words, there are people who think that if a situation is bad or desperate enough, it can cause people to do anything to either survive or get what they want. And I guess this reveals the kind of person you are and what kind of person you should be. And so I think that, ultimately, what people have an issue with concerning the incels is not necessarily what they say about the situation (which may have some truth to it to varying degrees), but how they choose to respond to it.

What I think is that a person should try to be a good person and be the best person that they can be regardless of the situation and circumstances. Granted, I do believe in the existence of God and Christ, but I think it’s still good to simply be a good person for goodness’s sake.

What does all of this have to do with incels? Basically, I think that allowing the situation to turn you (if it applies) into someone who advocates rape, violence against women, rage, bitterness, and just being an overall foul human being and even a racist person in general (how not getting laid can be blamed on Black people may be an interesting reach in itself, but I digress) may reveal the fabric of your character and who you really are. It’s easy to “be good” when everything is going your way and whenever everyone is treating you how you desire to be treated, whether such treatment is actually warranted or not. When they don’t and when you don’t get what you want, that’s when the rubber meets the road.

So really, what it boils down to (for anyone in life) is the question of whether or not you are going to allow circumstances and things beyond your control to turn you into someone that you shouldn’t be. Some people do. And some people blame circumstances for how they turned out. And to a degree, people’s environments, past traumas, etc., can shape them into who they are. However, there comes a time when one must take responsibility for themselves and realize that in spite of who may be to blame for certain situations, they are always responsible for themselves and how they choose to respond.

Basically what I’m trying to say is, even if it’s true that the world is a superficial, shallow, mean place, it doesn’t mean that you have to respond in a way to make it worse. Now, you can try to find viable solutions to your problems. After all, one might say that, as a man, it’s better to be about solutions than to simply whine, complain, pout, etc. since, fortunately or unfortunately, a lot of the world simply doesn’t care.

Look, a lot of people suck. The world can seem to suck. Almost everyone has a reason to gripe about something. Women have justified criticism against men or the system of the patriarchy. Do incels think that women should go out causing bodily harm to men in general because of it? Blacks have justified criticism against white folks or the system that fuels white supremacy. Do incels thinks that blacks should go out hurting white folks all willy nilly? And those groups have justified gripes.

If incels don’t agree that the above demographics should respond in a violent manner, why would incels think it’s okay for them to respond in a violent fashion to women who aren’t necessarily doing anything to them or oppressing them in any way but who, on the contrary, just might not deal with them?

There is a lot more that could be said and I had some notes written with different points, but this article may be long enough already. The point I tried to convey, perhaps unsuccessfully 😞, is that you need to try to be the best person you can be regardless of how unfair or whatever the world may be. Be someone you can live with. How could a person possibly live with themselves after raping or abusing someone for not giving them the time of day? How do people feel when they look at themselves in the mirror after committing such heinous acts? You (to whom it may apply), don’t want to be that person.

So in conclusion, my message to incels is that even if it is true that the world is a superficial, shallow, and mean place, hold yourself to a higher standard. If you are being the best that you can be and are living according to good values without trying to chase tail all of the time, let that be its own reward. Some women may not see your value. It may even be that some women may not be worthy of you (just because someone is a woman and just because they are hot doesn’t mean that they are good people). Maybe someone will come along who appreciates you for the decent human being that you are.

But if that doesn’t happen, still be good for goodness’s sake. And last but not least, you’re enough. You don’t need women to validate you. I highly recommend you read this article and realize that you have value, can still have joy in life, and can still be a good person even if women don’t see it. 🙂

Thank you all for taking the time to read this article and for any support.