Humor | This happened to Me

The Immigrant Survival Guide

Caribbean Edition

Ordinarily I’m not scared of frogs but this one behaved like he drank a red bull. The moment I pulled the towel away he jumped at me. I fell over. He climbed through my hair…

If you’ve been reading my stories, you’d know I’m from the Caribbean and I’ve lived now in the USA for the past 12 years.

I know many folks romanticize the islands and imagine what life would be like living so close to the beach. As a former native, I’d like to give you a little heads up on what you can expect if you ever decide to become an ex-pat.

One of the biggest differences you’ll have to deal with is the fact that homes in the north are almost hermetically sealed. My home is centrally heated/cooled so the windows and doors are almost always closed.

In the Caribbean, it’s the opposite. It’s almost always warm so the houses are open to the outside. Homes are built using bricks with ventilation to allow the free passage of air (and mosquitoes).

Doors don’t have rubber sweeps to keep the cold out — and in most regular homes on the islands, you’ll find a half inch gap between the floor and the door.

I know, you’re probably wondering what on earth can come in under the gap. Basically, the answer is anything that can fit. And that can lead to some very unwelcome visitors.

Jumping Frogs

I’m really shortsighted and without glasses I’m useless. I got up to use the bathroom and when I get there — something…. I can’t make out what it is — is jumping up and down at the door.

At that hour of the night, I really needed to go, so I threw a towel on it and finished up.

Then I went back for my glasses to see what was under the towel.

Turns out it was a jumping frog that had squeezed in under the door and was desperately trying to get out.

Ordinarily I’m not scared of frogs but this fella behaved like he drank a red bull. The moment I pulled the towel away he jumped at me. I fell over. He climbed through my hair.

I screamed because who doesn’t?

Woke the wife, who came out in near panic. Over the fence I heard the neighbor’s dog begin to bark.

It took us hours to find that little jumping menace and shoo him outside.

I’m still traumatized.

Spiders?

My wife called me. “MITCH, come quick.”

Naturally I dropped whatever I was doing and raced over to her. She pointed under the bed. “MITCH, there’s a big spider.” She backed away slowly holding her broom in front of her. She’d been sweeping.

I smiled. I got to play at being macho. Man of the house and all that. It’s not often I’m called upon to be a hero.

I took the broom away and bent down confidently. I’d shoo the thing out the back door.

As the broom came near, it moved sideways in the gloom. Quickly. I’d never seen a spider move like that. It was creepy.

I pushed the broom towards it again. It scuttled sideways, even faster this time. I couldn’t quite see what kind of spider it was, only that it was as big as a tennis ball. Big enough to do real damage.

I got a little freaked out and asked the missus to get the bug spray. I sprayed half a can at the thing. And with every blast it only moved sideways, further and further under the bed.

Neither of us would get any sleep if I didn’t get it out. Finally I went to get a flashlight to see exactly what I was dealing with.

It was a small land crab that made it’s way under the door. They come up through the storm drains. I moved the bed and swept it up in a dustpan. I hoped the bug spray didn’t hurt it and I released it outside.

Slithery friends

Remember that space between the front door and the floor? Most inner doors have similar spaces in Caribbean homes.

I got up again in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. It’s always the bathroom at night for me.

Normally I just feel my way around in the dark, sans glasses as usual. For some reason I put on the bathroom light. It had to be the hand of providence. Right in the middle of the toilet floor, a snake tried it’s hardest to crawl away from me on the tiles.

It was two, maybe three feet long, brown with triangular shaped black bands. It whipped desperately on the slippery tiles trying to get away. But the tiles were too smooth and it couldn’t get enough traction to move.

Basically it slipped and slid around helplessly. I closed the bathroom door in near panic.

I don’t like snakes.

I won’t kill them unless I have no choice but what the hell could I do at 2.00 a.m.? There was no one to call (there is no animal control on the islands) and I was in the apartment alone. I had to handle this. No towel would do.

I ran back to the bedroom and put on enough clothes to get to a hospital if I needed to. I found a pair of old work boots and dug out a pair of leather gloves.

There was no way to know what kind of snake was in my bathroom. Only that it was long and couldn’t get out. All I knew for certain is that I would not sleep a wink if there was a snake in the bathroom. I had to do something.

I finally decided to use the standing dustpan and a broom to pin the bugger down and throw him out.

The dustpan had a long enough handle that I could sweep the snake into it, then hold it there with the broom. It took a couple tries but I finally got it done. I tossed his skinny butt outside and slammed the front door shut.

The last thing I did every night after that was to stuff the gap with old rags just in case it came back.

The next day I googled till I discovered the identity of the snake. It was a Mappipire. A venomous pit viper found in South America and Trinidad. One of the two danger noodles resident on the island. A bite could be fatal.

I hope I’ve not traumatized you too much. But these are ordinary every day events when you live in the Caribbean. Life is a little — different there. It’s not all beaches and parties.

Now at least, you know what to look out for if you’re spending any time in the Caribbean. If there’s a space under the doors, you’ll want to do something about that.

In the meantime, Walk Good. Mitch.

Victoria Kjos, have you had any animal adventures on your journeys? Please tell us about them. Smiling.