The Illusion of Attracting Narcissists: Beat Them at Their Own Sick Game
There is only one way to win: use it wisely!
‘I attract narcissists, what can I do to change that?’
‘I also attract mosquitos, but I don’t sleep with them.’
Narcissists have been gaining a lot of coverage lately and for good reasons. They have been more and more prevalent in the past few years and therapists started to notice.
Not because there are more narcissists coming to get therapy. Oh, no, they don’t do that, except maybe for a few sessions here or there.
There are, however, more and more of their victims showing up to find a solution.
The sad truth is that you can’t find a solution to change the narcissist or change your relationship with them. The great majority of them have 0 intention of changing their life even when it hurts.
Narcs are the kind of people who regulate their emotions by using others, not by changing their ways.
The only thing one can do is avoid them like the plague.
Narcissists are not the only ones to blame though. This might seem like a case of blaming the victim, but it’s actually a case of empowering the victim to become aware of the situation.
One of the issues that makes everything more difficult is the level of denial in the narc’s partner. They are usually sensitive empaths or codependents who took their partner at face value and don’t want to believe nothing can be done for them.
They also can’t believe someone can be that heartless and egotistical.
The victims lose themselves in magical thinking, find excuses for their partner, and hope they can change someone with the power of love. And they’re not wrong — you absolutely can change someone with the power of love: yourself!
Definitely not the narcissist.
Despite massive proof of the truth and tons of advice from experienced therapists, the victims decide to give it a try anyway.
They try will invariably end up giving up extra years of their lives spent trying to be happy with someone who doesn’t want them to be happy because he can’t be happy himself.
Some make it their life mission to stand by him.
The lucky ones give up or are discarded by the narcissist who found a better or fresher source of supply.
The sad thing is that they blame themselves for the demise of the relationship, failing to see that no matter what they would have done, failure was the only option.
Weren’t they good enough? What more could they have done to bring this person around?
They could have left a long time ago. That would have benefited everyone. Except for the narcissist, of course. But don’t you worry about them, they’ll find another poor victim to fluff their ego and do everything they command.
‘Why do I attract narcissists? Is there something wrong with me?’
‘I also attract mosquitoes. But I don’t sleep with them.’
The problem is not that you attract them. So what if you do?
The problem is that you excuse their behavior and don’t tell them to hit the road after you figured out what they are.
There are 2 kinds of people that the narcs are attracted to:
- Strong personalities that they want to break: they want to use and abuse the very best out there, weaklings don’t satisfy their need for grandeur
- People who display narcissistic conditioning: they have already been in relationships (love, marriage, parents, etc.) with narcissists or other types of abusers and display a pattern of self-denial and self-loathing from having to survive in those conditions.
Truth be told, narcissists can be extremely charming at the beginning of a relationship. Nobody treats you like they do. Unnaturally good, even. That’s where the problem is. It’s unnatural. Just like a Mcdonald’s cherry pie: too sweet, too crunchy, too loaded with chemicals.
Does it taste good? Hell yeah. Is it good for you? Hell no!
Just like the narcissist. He is so sweet, so adoring, and so ready to do anything just to have your heart. That’s not natural human behavior. Why would anyone do absolutely everything for you?
2 reasons:
- Some want to conquer your heart so you can get completely dependent on them, hoping their initial love bombing will return. Once you’re hooked, they can treat you however you want, because you keep waiting for them to turn back into who they pretend they were. They’ll give you the moon if you just give yourself up. And then they’ll take it away.
- Some don’t have a life and are completely dependent on a partner. They are not self-sufficient and you’re their savior. Will you be the one to take care of them? They’ll do anything to get you there! But only in the beginning, until they get you hooked. Then you’ll be their caretaker for as long as the relationship lasts.
An emotionally healthy person will try to get to know you before they make any big gestures. They are interested in who you are, they won’t be all over you before they find out if you’re what they’re looking for. They will not position themselves as either your superior or inferior. They’re your equal and they don’t want you to be anything else to them.
If somebody is ready to bring you the moon from day one, run! That moon will turn into Sisyphus’s stone in about 6 months.
Ok, so what’s the solution? What can you do to beat narcissists at their own game?
Nothing. This is a game of survival for them and nothing beats survival. They invented it and there is nothing you can do to win. Now if you’re going to get really cocky and think surely there must be a way, and you’re the one who is going to find it, you’re not the first. Others have tried and failed.
There is something you can do that will make you an absolute winner though. Something you can do at any point in the relationship.
Here’s what that is: the moment you realize they’re a narcissist, stop. No matter what’s going on and what they do, or where you are, just stop.
Acknowledge the situation you’re in. And stop the game.
Right then and there. Just walk away.
There is no other way with them but to not play the game. Whatever they have to offer, say no. Whatever they do, look away and walk away. No contact. No game, no interest in whatever it is they do.
Any therapist, relationship coach, psychologist, or psychiatrist will tell you the same thing. Don’t waste your life with them: stop everything and leave.
It’s the only way to win.
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