Hot Cold Empathy Gap
The Hot-Cold Empathy Gap
This is the answer, why other people can’t understand your feelings
“We won’t understand what other people are going through until we experience it ourselves,”
- Psychology Earth.
Some of us have been in a situation, where no one can understand us and when we were in an unpleasant situation. Maybe also vice versa, we’ve been in a position where we can not relate and understand the behavior of others under certain conditions. This happens because at that time we are not in the same emotion and frequency with that person. This phenomenon is known as the Hot-Cold Empathy Gap. In hot-cold empathy is a metaphor used for the spectrum of emotions where, namely the “Hot State” zone which is a condition that produces more negative feelings like when we are angry, sad, depressed, disappointed, upset, lonely, hungry, etc. At this phase, we tend to prioritize our emotions over logic. The second condition is the “Cold State” which is a condition where we tend to feel stable mentally than being happy, calm, fulfilled, and satisfied. At this phase, we tend to think more rationally and logically.
Both of these conditions can later affect how we feel, think and understand the behavior of other people. For example, when we are in a cold state and listen to our friends talk about their love problems while crying, maybe sometimes we will think that it is too much, instead of understanding the situation, we think and underestimate it. “If I were her, maybe I wouldn’t be so overbearing.” This rule applies the other way around when we are in a hot state and we tell our friend who is in a cold state, no matter how well our friend responds to our story, we will have a hard time accepting it and will think that he cannot understand and understand our situation. When we are in a cold state we will find it difficult to feel if we are in a hot state.
Many similar examples in our lives. There is one friend of mine that I told her about, one of my friends experienced physical violence by her husband but decided not to divorce. She simply said that my friend was stupid because someone who had been physically abused would definitely do it again. Meanwhile, 3 years ago she forgave her boyfriend many times even though countless times he betrayed her. Another example is when a woman can only remain silent when experiencing sexual violence. Then other people easily judge the girl as stupid for not fighting back. Even though at that time he was feeling scared and depressed that maybe we would do the same thing if we were in her position.
We really can’t force others to become at the same level and frequency with us, and so am I to them as well. But I think there’s nothing to lose if we learn how to shorten the gap hot-cold distance. I made a list of my version below
If you can’t understand, at least don’t do this
Human emotions are something that is so complex. kinda hard to relate if we don’t experience it ourselves. Actually, you even don’t need to understand. But try to do not to judge other experiences just based on your opinion. Everyone has their own weak side and usually, the test comes based on where we are weak. Instead, try asking him what he needs and what you can do to help. Don’t give advice, if you don’t even know what it’s like to be them. Don’t give advice unless they ask for it. They have struggled with many things you don’t see, don’t make it more difficult for them to do this and that.
You’re so lucky
When my Dad passed away, there was a friend of mine who accidentally said “But you are still lucky, even though your father died you still have an older brother who will protect you. How about me? I have to take care of my younger siblings instead”. Yes, she is the first daughter. Indeed, her burden will be heavier if her father is gone but, the fact is that her father is still alive and her family is still a whole. I don’t think it’s appropriate for her to say that to me meanwhile, I’m grieving because of the loss of my father forever, it’s not because I’m afraid that no one will protect me. At that time, I just kept quiet and didn’t want to argue. I even don’t have enough energy to do so. But I realized how bad it is to be ignorant about others’ problems. I’m now trying to focus more on myself, instead of pretending to be looking for solutions to other people’s problems unless they ask me for my opinion.
Feel bad and grateful
there is a clear difference between empathy and being pitied. Trust me, the person you are talking to can feel the difference. My parents divorced when I was in 3rd grade in elementary school. But very few of my friends know about it. It’s not because I don’t trust them, but that I hate getting pitying looks every time I try to tell my story. Being stared at with a gaze like that only made me vulnerable again and realized that my life was that bad. Honestly, it broke my defenses when I tried to tell myself my life was still a lot better. When I try to be stronger than my problems. On the other hand, I don’t like it when my story is used as a reason to be grateful for other people as well. For example, they are grateful that they have more time being kind to their parents, or they are grateful because of their life in a happy family. Even if you feel it in your heart, please don’t tell me. I hate comparisons. Can we be grateful without having to look as if other people’s problems are below us? and conversely, can we stay strong without having to say other people’s problems have nothing to do with ours? Why do we need comparisons with other people’s lives when we are trying to be a better version than ourselves in the past?
Do this help you to widen your perspective
Have you ever heard the term “your journey is not far already”? It’s popular in my country. Some interpret this sentence as a negative thing because some say it has the privilege of going abroad. In fact, that’s not the point. What this means is that the more you go to new places, meet new people, the wider your perspective will be. You’ll find out that you don’t know anything. And this slowly shapes you into a person who is not easy to judge others. Because you know, that’s how heterogeneous people and cultures are out there. Travel as much as you can, as far as you can. You will see a side of the world you have never seen.
Bottom line
When you are in a hot stated area, try to lower your frequency. Don’t make important decisions when you’re in this area before your emotional frequency and level drop. Practice mindful living. And learn to be aware of the emotions you feel. If you can’t control it, it’s okay, but at least you know in that condition you might be rash and make wrong decisions. Learn to include your logic even though in the end you still make decisions based on your heart. This way at least you are better prepared for the consequences. And one more thing, every story is unique. Learn from other people’s stories. Try to put yourself in their shoes even you still can’t understand.
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shoutout to Eszter Brhlik who writes a great article about women and business