The High Pitch Noise in My Ears Has Completely Ruined My Life

The slow death of something you love is never easy.

To block out the world is a modern-day productivity hack.

Many of us wear noise-canceling headphones while we work or commute. Me too. I shilled that advice like a used car salesman in my blogs.

Yesterday my entire world changed after I read Denise Shelton’s story about losing her hearing. I sat for hours staring at a blank wall, coming to terms with my reality.

When you ignore the warning because you’re Peter Pan

I studied drums all the way through school. My first teacher Adam gave us many lessons on why we must wear earplugs while making loud noises. I followed the advice … for a while.

Then the Peter Pan voice inside my head decided to delay protecting my hearing until a more convenient time. My passion for drums morphed into DJing as I got older and wanted girls to like me. I played many gigs wearing a pair of $420 Sennheiser headphones. Along the journey I met DJs. The way I learned was by asking them random questions. “Hey man, how’d you mix those two tracks without anybody knowing?”

A simple question would often be followed by many “what?” or “can you say that again?” The blinking red neon signs were missed by my youthful ignorance. Once I finished high school, I studied sound engineering. The first lesson we got was on protecting our hearing (again).

“These things on your head are your most important tool. You only get one pair. Once they’re gone you’re finished in this business.”

The warning from the teacher felt like a cold shower on my skinny body with ribs exposed due to an undiagnosed eating disorder. Again, I took the warning but only for the honeymoon period. Thankfully, my entire music career came to a crashing end after the torture of mental illness consumed my entire life. So any further hearing damage stopped.

The innocent writing advice that changed everything

I had nothing to do once my music career finished. The business I started with my brother collapsed. Everything good in my life fell apart. I felt desperate, alone, and in need of multiple hugs.

No one wanted to offer hugs.

I’d accidentally banished all the good people in my life through an invisible trap door. So, I sat alone in my home office without a job, wondering what to do next. Somehow I discovered blogging.

A friend let me write on their motivational Wordpress blog about success. I wrote on his blog for five years straight to, unconsciously, heal from the wounds caused by my evil negative thoughts. I complained one day about my lack of focus.

“Wear headphones and pump movie soundtracks,” my blogging friend said.

Such a stupid life hack changed how I write. All of a sudden the revs of my neighbor’s Harley Davidson could no longer be heard. I felt free to write my tiny dreams into reality.

Then I met my fiancé. She’s a nerd with tech. She had a pair of noise-canceling headphones in her possession. One afternoon I complained about all the noise she made in the kitchen.

“Here, pop these on your big head.”

She gave me a pair of faded black, slightly dirty, Bose noise-canceling headphones to wear. Wireless headphones scared me originally because years of misinformation about bluetooth and wifi signals confused my innocent mind, and made me believe they might be bad.

But I couldn’t be afraid of a wireless signal in front of her. I wanted to appear to be the tough guy I definitely wasn’t. After my first session with the headphones, I felt their ancient mystical powers.

The entire noisy world disappeared into the rearview mirror. My writing became noise-free, and therefore, clearer.

The day I never thought would come

That brings me to yesterday. The high pitch noise in my ears stole an entire night’s sleep. I woke up like a zombie looking for a chunky human arm to munch on. Everything aggravated me.

I told myself the noise would go away. Deep down, I knew it to be a lie. I’ve been educated about what can happen. Every day since I quit my job three months ago, I’ve had music playing through headphones for a minimum of eight hours straight, without a single minute of rest. The high pitch noise has been there for weeks now. Somehow I managed to cover up the sound with self-inflicted lies.

The slow — or sudden — death of your hearing is scary.

I accidentally tripped over Denise Shelton’s story on hearing loss, while scrolling social media yesterday. It’s crazy how what you need to hear finds you at the precise moment you need it. The end of Denise’s story revealed what I had to do.

First off, I told my fiancé. We’re supposed to get married in two weeks. I did not want to tell her about the problem out of fear she could have second thoughts about marrying a potential deaf guy. But I knew I had to tell her.

“Honey, I have a high pitch noise in my ears. It’s not going away. This is bad. I have booked an appointment to see an audiologist next week.”

She was astonished but caring. At 35-years-old, it feels like I’m going to become a grandpa without my hearing. My future wife deserves better. I’ve let her down. This whole nightmare could have been prevented if I listened to my high school teacher.

What it’s like living with hearing damage

Imagine not being able to experience the beauty of silence anymore. That’s what I have to deal with and it has completely ruined my life.

I don’t get quiet time. Every moment is punctuated with a high pitch noise that makes me feel like I’m going insane. The fact I caused the damage is something I will never forgive myself for.

The noise sounds like a high pitch squeal a baby would make. As a future father, this is preparing me for parenthood — but not in a good way. At night, I toss and turn in anger at the noise.

I’ve had to stop and rest since the realization my hearing is destroyed. I’ve had to write without headphones which has been extremely difficult. The tv volume has to be carefully adjusted constantly while watching movies with the woman I love, who supports me through this heartbreak.

Despite the heartache of hearing loss, I’ve decided to find the positive in it. I can still hear above the high pitch noise and so not all is lost. The whole situation has been a reminder to take care of myself.

The biggest lesson is this: Never take what you have for granted.

What you can learn about loss

The worst part about hearing loss is it’s a slow death, and you have to witness the downfall. Your hearing doesn’t suddenly shut off. Nobody else can see the demise of your hearing either. When I meet friends for coffee, they assume everything is normal. I can’t share what I hear with anyone.

We get attached to our senses. We assume they’re always going to be there. We take youth for granted and harm random body parts with lies we tell in our head like, “I’ll stop doing this bad habit soon.” Before we know it, we’re older and face the pain of our stupid decisions.

There’s a practical takeaway I want to leave you with that could change your life: Modern-day headphones (especially in-ear ones) can ruin your hearing. Think twice before wearing headphones every day. Turn down the volume when you do wear earphones. Whatever you think is a low volume is probably twice as loud as the healthy level recommended by hearing experts.

Give your ears a rest. Dare to witness the natural sounds of the world.

Pardon me while I hold back the tears and deal with the loss of my hearing.