The Harsh Reality For Women Dating at 50 and Beyond: Throw out that list

The game change as we age.

Is age or expectations limiting your chances of finding the right one?

While clearing clutter from a drawer back home recently, I spotted something familiar among some important papers.

It was my decade-old proverbial list.

A flood of memories returned as my eyes slowly moved down the long expectations I desired in the next man I would date — my ultimate life partner. It led me to question, Who still needs the Tall and Handsome criteria, especially when you’re 50 and over?

We all get to that place where we have a vision of our ideal partner — the person we would like to spend the rest of our lives with. We imagined the perfect look-a-like of our basketball crush or favorite movie star. We create a list of the qualities he must possess.

Time usually tells if our list is realistic or makes sense.

I remember writing my list right after my divorce. I was 27 and in the prime of my life — assertive, confident, and independent. But still, the odds were against me — I was divorced and with a 6 yr old.

Not all men are akin to a ready-made family. And I’d better have a reasonable explanation to prove I wasn’t at fault or why the marriage ended.

Men selfishly judge us, believing they could meet a similar fate at our hands.

Before long, I found someone who surprisingly checked most of my boxes. He was a busy professional — a medical doctor, but he always made time for me and treated me extraordinarily. He respected my views even when sometimes we didn't see eye to eye. He wasn’t talk but action and even checked the box for tall, dark, and handsome.

But as fate would have it, he wasnt an eligible bachelor.

He was married.

The relationship was good while it lasted, but I looked into myself one day and decided I didn't want this kind of relationship anymore. It was inexcusably wrong to be with someone else's husband.

I admitted my wrongs and moved on.

Reality struck that finding someone to fit a customized list we create can be daunting, even in our twenties.

So there I was, nearing midlife, free, single, with no interest in mingling.

I was not bitter about my past but consciously guarded my heart.

The truth is, I never thought the man I needed existed.

A second list wasnt in the plan.

Life happens when you least expect it.

But sometimes, life throws us friendships when we’re not searching, or at least expect it. Those friendships often lead to the best relationships.

I found my prince not so long ago, nearing my 50s. (the details for another story)

Girlfriend, your special someone is out there too, But you won’t find him by clutching a list you created in your twenties.

The dating game does change with age.

At midlife, you age like fine wine, yet like a car, you depreciate as the years go by.

Some men unkindly refer to us as being old. Our prospects are usually already married with a family.

Your material worth, titles, education, and years of experience may add some value but don't use them as weapons to create a list for a man that doesn't exist.

Or you could be setting yourself up for years of loneliness, frustration, and disappointment.

Mid-life dating doesn't have to be hostile.

So whatever circumstance lands you to be dating later in life — widowed, divorced, separated, starting over, or otherwise.

Just know your person is out there. He may not have the job title or look like your handsome crush. He may not wear a uniform or the jacket and tie you hope for, but he has a heart of gold and always show you how much he cares.

The person could be someone you're close to who knows you better than anyone, someone you overlook or ignore because he doesn't fit the bill on a list.

I’ll tell you an inspiring story about a couple I know:

I met Jassett and her husband, Joe, a few years ago. They were partners at a Law firm where I worked as their assistant when I first migrated to the United States . Sadly two years later, Joe passed. At 53 Jassett was widowed. Her two sons were in college in other states. She became lonely and eventually opened up to dating. But none of the men she dated compared to her Joe or kept her interest long enough to move into a committed relationship.

She lost hope and interest and gave up.

I recently got a wedding invitation from Jassett in the mail announcing her upcoming wedding in June.

It took her 7 yrs, but at 60, she found her prince.

Excited, I called her, and we chatted. I asked her how she met Tony.

This is what she said “Tony was always there. I opened my heart to be loved without the restrictions I initially created. Tony has been our driver for over 25 years. He knows me better than anyone else. He’s my confidante and protector. Every day I realize how much we need each other .Now, he is soon to be my husband”.She continued. “Joe would be pleased it’s Tony and not someone else”

Throwing away your list doesn’t mean you’re settling or giving up your values.

You’re simply embracing life’s reality of dating in midlife and beyond.

Girlfriends, Do you believe in sticking to a list when searching for that special someone?

I look forward to reading your comments.

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