Relationships | Self | Love

The Hardest Part of a Long-distance Relationship Isn’t the Miles, but Life After Break-up

How I picked myself up from a 10,000-mile pandemic ex-love

“I am done, Yan… It’s over. I am sorry. Things never looked good and sometimes, things just fall apart.”

These words were the last words I heard from him just 10 days into his new job. My relationship with him ended abruptly, leaving me hanging with no room for discussion whatsoever.

The man whom I initially hesitated to say yes to commit to a future, the same person who believed that I was his “soul mate,” decided one day that it is all over between us. “Did I see that coming? Did I do something wrong? What happened?” My head was filled with questions, except that he wasn’t there to answer anymore.

Akin to a bolt of lightning that came from nowhere, or that mysterious blizzard snow in Texas, I was dumped after 11 months of a committed long-distance relationship, which I thought was going well.

Like so many couples all over the world, many relationships and marriages have been put through some serious trials during this period, exacerbated by the lockdowns and travel restrictions. A handful survived but most didn’t. This pandemic certainly has not only tested multiple relational bonds but also the ties within ourselves.

Break-ups are never easy, whether it be six months, two years, or even 10 years of interactions. Because with each passing moment, a bond is forged closer and deeper, a memory created in our subconscious mind.

Along with this break, it also broke my soul once more. Yet this time, I wasn’t as depressed as I once had when break-ups such as this happened. Maybe because I am 36, or maybe because I am about to enter yet another spiritual awakening.

Instead, a “rigor mortis”-like sensation took control of my body. I found myself in a state of shock over the next couple of days, then came that cycle of grief, anger, and abandonment hitting me over and over again into the holiday festive season.

Now as of this writing, about three months have passed by since this split. It is quite amazing how fast time flies or how slow time has gone by, depending on where one places their focus on. It was honestly so hard to readjust again to that single’s life, of not having to hear how his day went or begun; or not having to play one of our favorite activities together — online chess.

Even the daily messages of us sharing our thoughts and dreams together were suddenly silenced. I have no inkling of an idea of how my once-sidekick partner is adjusting too.

Thousands of past memories flashed in my mind.

Many sleepless nights I tossed and turned, checking my phone for some glimmer of hope and at the same time, crushing my hopes and putting my phone on airplane mode to slap myself into some kind of reality.

I struggled to get my life back together in sequence. After all, I had adjusted my day to his night, and my night to his day.

Before this, I was already a keen enthusiast of past lives and soul ties between two bodies. He once said that he knew I was his soul mate, that we were definitely meant for each other in this lifetime. I grew to believe and see that he was indeed my soul mate from a past life.

And when this curveball was thrown at my life during this pandemic, I couldn’t help but to play back those words he once said to me — What was all that about “soul mates”? What was all that about “forever-and-ever”? What was that all about being each other’s sidekick and “pulling me out of my maze” for us?

There were millions of questions going through my head, mostly on the “whys”, and the “how could he?”

I questioned myself —

Was there someone new at work? Was there someone from the past that came back? Were we truly soul mates then? If so, what is the lesson(s) am I to learn? How much do I know about love?

Or more so, how much was all of that really love?”, as the other mind was coaxing me, “hey this is, after all, a long-distance relationship for most part of it, surely it can’t be that serious.”

But the thing is, when it comes to soul ties built over large waters, such as ours, love has no definite answer.

I became even more interested in dharmic and karmic relationships, soul mates, and past life regressions. I was conscious not to spiral into a negative self-defeating talk or depression. I was even more aware not to let my subconscious find “blame” at anyone, both him and I.

I tried really hard to lift myself up, mainly working on my self-esteem, self-worth, and spirit.

Talking to friends didn’t really work as they didn’t know him too much. Most were just telling me to toughen up and start living my own life, while a handful advised me to give myself as much time as I needed to adjust, to another new “norm.”

But I desperately needed a safe space to pour out my heart and feel comforted. And I knew, besides the support of my family members and the presence of the ever-cheerful young nieces, there is only me and myself to face my own deep-seated hurts that are unearthing.

I scrambled to find some sort of immediate healing and decided to sign up for a couple of individual sessions with sound healing.

I wanted to try something radically different from what I have read or done before. After all, it’s 2020, right? Unorthodox and unexpected seemed to be the main adjectives of the year.

Alongside sound healing therapy sessions, I started on a journey of “raising my spirits” through books and videos that focus on positive psychology.

“The Power of Positive Thinking” by Norman Vincent Peale helped. It may seem like an outdated book from the 50s now but his simple and straightforward words spoke right into my heart.

Peale, being a Christian, made references to biblical verses throughout the book, but the principles of how to lift one’s spirits remained the same.

Over the next 18 days, I read a chapter a day as part of my routine and meditated on the main concept from each chapter throughout the day. Of all the chapters written, this one particularly struck a chord for me this time —

“In attaining emotional control, the daily practice of healing techniques is of first importance. Emotional control cannot be gained in any magical or easy way. You cannot develop it by merely reading a book, although that is helpful.

The only sure method is by working at it regularly, persistently, scientifically and by developing creative faith.” — Norman V. Peale

I had lost control of my emotional health during the long-distance relationship, so when it ended the way it did, it shook my ground, so to speak.

I couldn’t do or listen to anything that remotely reminded me of us, I didn’t even have the motivation to write nor to work out — activities that once lifted me up. Because these were our common interests and activities.

And so, even as painful and difficult it may be, I have to allow myself to practice new daily healing techniques by developing some kind of creative faith.

“A man’s life is what his thoughts make of it.”

— Marcus Aurelius.

I tried my best to keep my mind focused on creative activities, such as coloring and sketching new situations in my life; I incorporated more spiritual grounding practices by walking at the beach or simply laying on the grass staring at the sky and sea, letting a hard cry if I have to, but also visualizing sending healing energies both to him, to myself and to all the brokenhearted people.

I really wanted some kind of “closure” or a talk.

But as I continued my new daily healing practices, I soon realized that the real solution isn’t the closure talk that I wanted, but instead, I needed to surrender the idea of having one in the first place.

I learned that it was my deep-seated insecurity desperately wanting to hang onto something or someone, and that feeling is never beautiful for one to feel.

And these are the biggest lessons I learned about long-distance relationships:

— To love freely right from the start, even when I have given my best shot.

— To look at the light even in the darkest place, because darkness is simply covered light.

— To treasure the experiences collected, as now I can see how strong, how real, and how deep my love for a man can be, even with the distance apart.

I am smiling at my inward growth now.

I know I am evolving to be an even more beautiful person both inside and out.

I look forward to the day when I am writing a new love story again, soon. ♡

“My heart might be bruised, but it will recover and become capable of seeing beauty of life once more.

It’s happened before, it will happen again, I’m sure.

When someone leaves, it’s because someone else is about to arrive. I’ll find love again.” — Paulo Coelho

Hello there, Thanks for reading. I am honored and grateful for your time. I don’t claim to know everything, but I will always strive to share every single bit of truth with thought and humility.

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