Long-Distance Love

Ten Things I Learned From a Ten-Month Long-Distance Relationship

How to fall and stay in love 10,000 miles apart

I have always been a closet romantic. Outwardly, I appeared like I do not hope for a life partner, yet inwardly, I know my life would be more joyous if I just let myself open to love.

Human relationships are a funny thing, I say. With human interactions, I open myself to many uncertainties, having to make adjustments and sacrifices. Every moment seems to be a decision-making process, knowing that with every decision and choice I made, I let myself into a world of possibilities and consequences, intended and unintended.

But after nearly being single for more than 10 years, where I spend most of my time on self-awareness and self-improvement, to learn and understand the elements of what makes an intimate relationship works best, unexpectedly, I find myself in a committed relationship over the last 10 months.

The only difference is that this time, it is a long-distance relationship, 10,000 miles apart no less. They say, that “love knows no distance and no boundaries.” Yet I discovered a whole lot more.

1. It’s not about you.

“Agreement 2: Don’t Take Anything Personally” — Don Miguel, The Four Agreements

With the distance apart and a complete flip of timezone, it is easy for my mind to go inward way too much, thinking that every silence, every message, or every tension, is a result of something I did. This excessive inward-focus can often cause lots of unnecessary misunderstandings. Many times in my conversation with my partner, I came to realize, it is not about me. Get out of my head!

2. It’s not about him (her).

“Agreement 3: Don’t Make Assumptions” — Don Miguel, The Four Agreements

Similarly, with the distance and timezone apart, any tensions can set my mind assuming many things about what my partner is doing or feeling. This resulted in us often having to spend so much energy clarifying things, instead of just enjoying the little time we have, when our waking timezones overlap. Not to mention, that the blame game of fault-finding can subtly inch its way between us. I learn that many times, it is also not about him. I am not him!

3. It’s about me.

“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom.” — Dr. Henry Cloud, Psychologist and co-author of “Boundaries”: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

Did I just confuse myself already?

One big element I learned and am still learning is the art of practicing personal boundaries. Admittedly, I really feel this is the toughest one. How do I know when to bend my personal rules to make the relationship work? How do I know when I should be firm? Because of our distance, it is easy for me to “give in” to all the small things to try to make the relationship work.

Take for example, because of our timezone and lifestyles, we struggled to find a good time to facetime each other and just “hang out”. And it is often either one of us is about to go to bed or about just getting up. And that means that we have our pre-bed or pre-morning routines which we both have when we were single. During the “honeymoon” phase, both of us often give in and spend many hours beyond our bedtime or morning routine. But after a while, we both knew it was impractical and not sustainable. Our hours of interaction reduced significantly and that adjustment meant new challenges arise for me.

I learned that in long-distance relationships, boundaries truly matter as well, if not, even more. I came to a state of inner peace when I remind myself of my personal values and vision, aligning them with my “yes” and “no”. I practiced and accepted boundaries, those of mine and his so that we both are able to live the freedom that our relationship brings.

4. It’s about us.

“ Partnership is not a posture but a process-a continuous process that grows stronger each year as we devote ourselves to common tasks.” — John F. Kennedy, 35th President of the United States (1961–1963)

When tension arises ever so often, it is so easy to “call-it-quits”. Unlike my partner’s resoluteness in relationships, I was the one who just wanted to throw the white towel in. I was focusing on all the wrongs and negatives, the “20%” I call it and fail to look at the 80%, the positives, the many of the strong reasons why we were together in the first place.

I came to fully experience that the purpose of a relationship is truly about the growth and development of and as one, not just at a personal level but at a partnership level.

When I reframed my mind and our conversations on the partnership, the magic of connection happens over time. It is when two wholes come together, a beautiful partnership occurs and that invisible bond that tethers between two just gets stronger.

5. Common vision and values bind us.

“Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” — Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Perhaps it is the uncertainty brought about by the current global coronavirus pandemic, but there were many times that I wasn’t sure of where the relationship is heading. My partner expressed that I needed too many assurances and it can get tiring on us.

With him expressing that, I knew I needed to get deep within and find clarity. And to do that, I needed to build a common vision and align our values together.

We began building a vision board together, virtually of course. This activity is still ongoing but it has further built our bond together. It also acts as our North star when the going gets muddy.

6. Communication is important — words do matter.

We have always known the importance of communication to make a relationship works. In fact, it’s one of the main reasons why we even got together.

Even before I met him, I set on a personal learning journey to understand the elements of great and effective communication. I have observed that many relationships break down because of poor communication skills, and that includes knowing how to listen and knowing how to respond. I learned that there is power in the tongue, and our words truly matter. It isn’t just “fine” if it’s said with all the hidden nuances of unhappiness, compared to “this is really fine” as a way to express a certain dish or moment which is truly pleasant.

I have also learned that some words are “triggers” for us to go into a negative state, by no fault of both parties, it is just we are the sum of our experiences from childhood to the present moment. We both agreed then not to use each other’s “trigger words”. We grew closer and better as a result.

7. Communication is not comprehension — action matters.

All the talking in the world will not help if there are no coherent actions to accompany it. Maybe because I was over-emphasizing verbal communication, that sometimes, I neglect physical communication. With only the virtual space between us, this was one big hurdle for both of us.

My revelation came when one day, I realize, that sometimes, no amount of explaining works if they are not comprehended. It only adds more frustration to me as I eagerly wanted to make my point across. I flipped my mental picture around as I practiced patience. This becomes an act of communication. And with time, we both comprehended each other further. Action really matters, sometimes, more than words.

8. Intimacy does not mean sex.

Of course, let’s not forget about physical intimacy in a love relationship. Obviously, because of the distance apart, physical elements such as a simple hug, kiss, or handholding were not possible.

We often discussed how we are going to show intimacy over our long-distance gap since we both do not really enjoy acts of online intimacy and it does get stale after a while.

We found our ways around this and over time, I came to realize that intimacy does not mean sex. It means a special unique bond that makes both of us feel safe and come out to love. For that, we grew more intimately and just looking forward to the day when the physical distance is significantly reduced.

9. Distance does not make the heart grow fonder; shared experiences do.

“Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow.” — Swedish Proverb

This is my greatest learning to date about long-distance relationships. I often thought that it is the distance that makes the heart grows fonder, but in actual fact, it is our shared experiences. The distance often exposes the areas of weaknesses and puts us to tests to really ascertain our commitments.

With our shared time together, we often experience our life’s ups and downs together when we shared our thoughts, feelings, fears, and frustrations about our daily lives back in our home countries.

And because we open our hearts, truthfully and honestly, and share the deepest part of us, we get to forge common experiences and memories together. And it is with these shared experiences that make the heart grow fonder, with the distance apart.

After all, can you miss a stranger whom you haven’t talk to?

10. Love is a marathon, not a sprint.

“The course of true love never did run smooth.” — William Shakespeare

I am not exactly the patient one in this relationship, this often resulted in our disagreements. However, my partner reminded me that we are in this for life and that this is a marathon.

Whenever I look back and count the months that have passed, I soon realize how I and we have come so far, despite it all. I am in a marathon and the best part? I am not running this marathon alone but with someone. When I realize this from my heart, the love just grew.

Parting Thoughts

Every relationship is different, regardless of how a couple meets. Love often knocks at the door when you least expect, as it happened with me. What I have learned the most in this long-distance relationship is the choices I make, especially of my attitude that I bring to this partnership, matter. If I choose to focus on the faults and not on the virtues of the other, I miss all the goodness that this relationship can bring.

Though there are challenges presented in a long-distance relationship, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am forever grateful for the lessons learned and the growth experienced thus far. I deeply cherished the patience, love, kindness, and loyalty that he brings.

I can’t wait for what’s to come for us as I know our love has already begun the day we met each other 10 months ago.

“When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” — Harry, from When Harry Met Sally

Hello there, Thanks for reading. I am honored and grateful for your time. I don’t claim to know everything, but I will always strive to share every single bit of truth with thought and humility.

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