The Guilty Secrets Of An Introvert

Embarrassing confessions from a socially awkward individual

I’m an introvert and I need to get a few guilty secrets off my chest.

I struggle with authenticity. By that, I don’t mean that I am not authentic. It is quite the opposite of that.

I struggle with pretending to be engaged by small talk that doesn’t interest me. I feel like I am acting when I am at a large social gathering, pretending to be happy to be there.

Living up to social expectations that I am not comfortable with can be overwhelming, and I can only keep it up for a short amount of time. The efforts I go to in order to avoid such situations is almost comical.

So, for all you fellow introverts out there, maybe you can identify with some of these behaviours.

How many can you relate to?

1. I’m secretly happy when my Uber driver has a low score as it probably means they aren’t very chatty.

2. I kept changing hairdresser until I found one that didn’t ask me about my holiday.

3. The requirement for social distancing during the pandemic has felt like a blessing. I’ve been practising this for years.

4. I avoid drinking tea and coffee at work as doing so would require me to talk to several people.

5. The reason I use the steps rather than the lift has nothing to do with health benefits — I just can’t handle the thought of two minutes of awkward small talk with a stranger.

6. I go out for my daily walk at times when I know I will bump into the least number of people. I’ve actually done research to find out when those times are.

7. If I see my neighbours out in the garden I would rather miss my train than risk the chance of having to speak to them. Fortunately, none of them know my name so they are not likely to read this.

8. I even avoid members of my own household at times. This isn’t as bad as it sounds as I have two teenagers and they spend most of their time avoiding me too.

9. When I am invited to a social event I would love it if the invitation specified the earliest time I can leave without offending anyone.

10. One of the main uses of my mobile phone is to avoid eye contact.

11. When I heard that they sit the least attractive people in the quiet, out of the way part of a restaurant, I actually started dressing down.

12. I work out what fraction of the day has passed so that I know how long I have left before I can lock myself in my bedroom (and yes, I actually lock the door).

13. I like it when you assume I have nothing to offer, as it means you won’t expect me to speak as much.

14. When I’m out and about, I sometimes wear headphones so that people don’t make small talk with me. Sometimes the music isn’t even playing.

15. Being a writer is great because it doesn’t require you to talk to a lot of people. I genuinely considered being a lighthouse keeper but they don’t exist anymore.

I realise that this list makes me sound like some sort of people hater but this couldn’t be further from the truth. When I am with people, I have profound feelings of empathy which exhausts me. I feel the need to save my energy for the things that really matter. I avoid small talk and superficial contact so that I have the energy to fight for the people and causes close to my heart.

Not being interested in hearing about your neighbour’s new car doesn’t mean that I’m broken. It just means that I have different values and priorities.

I don’t think I should feel apologetic about that.

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