The Great Relocation

Ten Lessons from Moving to the Coast With My Extended Family

Who is this story for?

I recently wrote about resigning from your job. And how to live and thrive after a dramatic drop in income which can sometimes follow. This is the third story in the series. This time I am going to share our family experience of relocating to the Scottish coastal town of Nairn. A relocation often can follow a resignation.

If you are in search of a rural idyll or a ‘quieter life’, or that dream coastal escape, then this story is for you. If you are intrigued by different ways of living and have thought about combining households under one roof then this is also for you.

Personal context: Moving from Essex to Nairn

Six months before the world was locked down by a previously unknown virus our family relocated to Nairn in North East Scotland. We had no previous connection with the town nor did we have jobs lined up in the area. My wife and I had resigned from our jobs in our forties. Our two young children were 9 and 13 years old and at key stages in their lives. My Mum and Dad were surprisingly open-minded about a Scotland adventure despite their advancing years and comfortable retirement up until that point in Essex.

Somehow during a six month period, we sold two houses in Essex and bought one in North East Scotland and successfully relocated to another country. We all bought into the vision of a different life. We embarked on the collective challenge and opportunity of living as an extended household next to one of the best beaches in Scotland.

A different way of life

The last two years have presented people with time to think. The ‘bread and circuses’ of modern jobs and lives were paused during various covid lockdowns. For once we could stop, spend time with our families if we were lucky and really consider what was important to us. Unsurprisingly, run-of-the-mill unsatisfactory jobs were not high on the resulting bucket lists of life, which became more important.

Personally, we also faced bereavement and funerals of friends lost prematurely to brain cancer and other illnesses. If we had a dream relocation in mind, then if not now then when? As a family, we were acutely aware that the time to move was running out. Our boat was in the harbour, but it would set sail and we would have to make sure we got on it. No one was going to make this dream coastal move happen but us.

Emerging trends for extended families

Have you sat down with your family and talked about how you are going to face the big issues in life? There are emerging trends and topics which keep cropping up. Families are increasingly talking about:

• How to address University debts
• Prohibitive costs of getting on the housing ladder
• Rising interest rates and mortgage debts
• Competition for housing in cities
• Likely long term trends for home and remote-working
• Lack of suitable health and social care support for older people
• Activity and purpose in retirement
• Competition for suitable childcare and schooling
• The geographic dislocation of families
• Travel and environmental concerns
• Access to a garden for growing
• Access to local green and blue space

The more these big issues in life are considered as a family the more people realise that part of the solution may reside in the mutual benefits of bringing an extended family together into one household. Communal living in other forms has also seen a rise in interest. Our family had long coveted the idea of communal or extended living.

With house prices at an all-time high and an increasing number of people able to work from home, the scene is set for all sorts of experiments in living differently. We have spent a little over two years living that dream and this is what we have learnt.

Ten Lessons from living differently

1. All for one and one for all It is important everyone is on board and shares in the vision for the different life. We sat down with each family member and tried to capture the ‘pull factors’ of moving to Scotland. It is important that individually and collectively, the goals for your relocation are complementary. To keep the sailing analogy going it is important you are all hoping to land up at the same port. For example, do you want to live out of town, in the country, by the sea, in a village? Having a shared goal of what you are all looking for will help limit any inevitable problems later on.
2. In an extended household there needs to compromise It is important to be flexible and identify things that you are prepared to compromise on. We were moving six people from three generations into one house. We all had ideas of what we wanted. No single property was going to meet our list of search criteria which was 27 items long. One helpful way of splitting this list up was to separate them out into essential and desirable criteria. For example, it was desirable to have solar power for a sustainable energy supply. But in reality that was dropped in favour of being within walking distance of the sea. Identify the personal compromise you will make for the greater good of the group.
3. Trust the decision maker The house search can be one of the hardest things. We found it was important for one person to have the delegated authority from the family as a whole to make a final decision on which house we chose. Whilst everyone would be able to see the house digitally and we could discuss it, eventually, a decision would need to be made. I had that authority which was a privilege but also a burden. Without this authority the purchase decision could have dragged on for months. At the same time everyone needed to place trust in the decision being the correct one. This was made easier because of stage one and two.
4. Understand the legal process and timeframes It is crucial to do your research and understand both the legal process and the possible timeframes for where you are relocating to. We were selling a property near London, with a history of gazumping and a fast paced housing market. We were moving to Scotland with completely different house purchase rules where all decisions and processes felt slower. Identify the potential milestones in the legal and practical process of relocating and put these in date order so you can work your way through the complexities.
5. Two is one and one is none This is a USA Navy Seals saying. Which focuses the mind on the importance of a back up plan. ‘One is none’ referencing no back up. Be like a Navy Seal when you plan your relocation and try to eliminate single points of failure in the plan. Identify who or what will your be your back up in the event of a failure in one step of the plan. This could be a savings account, for example, that you can draw from for 6 months if your job doesn’t materialise or the one you were promised falls through or fails to live up to expectations.
6. Are you here to make life better? Beyond the pictures of idyllic beaches and rolling hills small rural communities will often welcome you in if they can quickly understand how you can make life better for the community as a whole. This is a pressing issue in some places where second home owners are increasing and life is not improving for the community as a result. My wife and I have led charities and social enterprises and that was welcomed by local organisations looking to improve and grow. Identify what you have to bring in terms of added value to your new community.
7. Stop, look and listen Too many folks moving from a city life, often characterised by a faster and more diverse way of life, can often make the mistake of imposing their solutions on a perceived community problem. Community leaders and locals will appreciate you more if you take the time to stop, look at what they have been trying to achieve and listen to how they want to progress. You will find a role, or maybe two or three roles, which will benefit from your skills and experience.
8. Don’t forget to live the life Habits, routines, jobs and school life all need to happen. They are key to our happiness. But at the same time we need to intentionally book in the dream activities on our doorstep. I start my day by walking on the beach, but on busy days I have various things calling on me to skip this walk. But being on the beach each day was part of my dream relocation. Whatever was part of your vision for your different life, make it a daily habit.
9. Practicalities are important How big is your family? Chances are if you are all going to be living under one roof you are going to need more rooms than people. Independent space is key. Work out who is going to be where in the house and at different times of the year. The winters at this latitude in Scotland can be cold, dark and long and everyone needs their own space from time to time. One of the unintended positive consequences of the relocation for me is connected to door keys and locks. In Essex we were forever locking doors, even when we were in the house, with various local burglaries and a latent fear of crime. I rarely take any keys with me when I leave the house now because there is always someone in. I had not planned or thought about this, but for me this is quietly liberating.
10. Do you want a quiet life or a different life? Some folks who relocated during covid times have since gone back to the City it seems. I think this may be because of the subtle difference between a quiet life and a different life. A quiet life means less culture, fewer pubs and restaurants and options for indoor activities. By definition rural areas that draw people in search of a quiet life will have fewer or sometimes none of these amenities. You may want the quiet life and not miss these activities. But be clear about whether you may want a different life rather than a quiet life. This could be the difference between you relocating to a croft or a town. We are very much town people and wanted a different life not a quiet life.

In conclusion

I wrote this story because we often find ourselves telling it to folks we meet here in Nairn. When people find out we relocated an extended family with no jobs to go on to, and needing to work, they often call us brave. We are risk takers I guess. But we like to plan and take calculated risks not wild ones. We hope that our new community benefits from our efforts to get involved and from our relocation.

I hope these Ten Lessons will be useful for your relocation. Do drop me a line in the comments if this post resonates or helps you with your relocation.

Neil Mapes Bio

Marathon runner, sea swimmer and aspiring dinghy sailor. Social entrepreneur & founder of Dementia Adventure, currently leading Green Hive in Nairn, Scotland.

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