The Gorgeous Man Was Married

Repetition compulsion and self-betrayal

As it turns out, my story about the gorgeous man that I wrote about has a sequel.

I’ve had a nasty pattern of drawing in unavailable narcissistic men. But I thought it had gotten better when I met this man. Turns out, no.

The gorgeous man and I met because he was in my town for work. To make a long story short, we met and decided to keep seeing each other even though he was moving away, but okay, fine, I thought, let us see what happens.

And most importantly, I felt deep in my soul that this was anything but a good idea. But yet again, I did what I always have done; I went against my better judgment and intuition.

If you have yet to read the story, I highly recommend starting with it. It’s also not my first rodeo. You can read all about the first one here.

So back to now, it has been two years since I saw this guy. One evening, I was sitting and wondering what this old flame of mine could be up to. I did what many of us do so well, some detective work. And like I wrote, I haven't seen this man for two years. I was expecting to find out that he got married or moved somewhere else. What I found out was, he is married and has been… for the past six years.

Not only that, he has two children. That he lied about.

I was stunned. Too stunned to even think. It took me a minute to get out of denial.

This is not a story about him, or anyone else in his position. This is a story about self-betrayal and not trusting ourselves.

We know. When we meet someone not good for us, we know. Our gut feelings never lie.

We keep ignoring it and betray ourselves. So we stay because we are getting a need met. But it comes with an enormous cost.

There are many reasons we fall into these traps, but they all require our permission. We all have a need for closeness and connection. When we meet someone who meets that need, we want to ignore anything that goes against it.

There is a phenomenon called repetition compulsion.

If you are repeating patterns, I highly recommend doing some research on it.

Going through traumatic experiences in life that are not processed or dealt with can cause us to seek our familiar situations in adulthood in order to heal the original trauma or neglect.

This is a tricky situation many times. We must cultivate an awareness of what is happening and why it feels familiar to choose something different.

Therapy can help a lot. So can soul-searching and actively making the necessary changes. We can make different choices and create new paths for ourselves. A beaten path is easy and familiar but, it doesn't lead home.

When we let our inner child and traumatized self lead the way, it is a reckless choice. We go on autopilot and usually crash in the end.

A part of the healing in adulthood is being the parent you need. Is this easy? Not always. Is it worth it? I believe it is.

Home is where we make sure we live life with our best interest in mind and keep walking even if it feels unfamiliar. It might be unfamiliar, but it is worth it in the end.

Opening up to people and letting them come close is scary if we have these traumas. Trust me, I know. Deep down, we fear that we aren’t good enough and if people get to know the real person, they will reject us and we are then left with the core shame simmering underneath.

It also ties into attracting unavailable people in order to not have to be intimate or let someone come close. When we have intimacy issues, it is easier to choose someone that is unavailable, than someone that is available because then we can’t blame them.

The relationship with ourselves is the most important one we have.

What happens when it goes bad is that we turn on ourselves. When we start healing, we can find that all sides of us want the same thing. They simply disagree on how to go about it.

Responsibility and awareness are not something we cultivate overnight. But by taking responsibility for our choices, actions and perspectives, we also put the power back in our own hands.