The Gorgeous Man And Intermittent Reinforcement

Once I started dating this gorgeous man. He was gorgeous in all the right ways. We met, we clicked and then we spent more than a week together before he went off to his home country.

We should have left it at that. I am sensitive and listening to my intuition has been a big lesson for me. This was another one.

So he went back home. I thought, okay this is it. One week of passion, heart to heart conversations. You know, the kind of conversations I am talking about. For someone struggling with vulnerability, this felt like a game-changer.

He asked genuine questions. He seemed to have this curiosity about life and getting to know everything about me. I called my friend after and said, “this man is either my future husband or I am getting heartbroken.” The latter was true.

So there I was, allowing myself for a moment to believe I met my future husband. Was it finally my turn? Was this THE ONE?

No, it was not my turn. And it was not “the one”.

As soon as he went home, the fairytale ended and some kind of game I didn’t know the rules of was starting. Until I started recognizing this game.

He would reach out. I was in ecstasy. He missed me. He was coming back soon and we would see each other. He can’t wait, I can’t wait. You know how it goes.

Then silence. No texts for a few days. That’s okay, I thought. We don’t have to text all the time. I’m the cool girl, whatever.

The cool girl is such bullshit.

To keep the story short, this dynamic went on for months.

It’s funny. He didn’t give me the creepy narcissist vibes. But this pattern of hot-cold, being sweet one minute and then disappearing felt very off to me. And too familiar. And I know what you are thinking, of course, he is narcissistic! Well, hear me out. You can be narcissistic, and many of us have the traits, but still not be “a full-blown narcissist”. We all play unconscious games when our insecurities get triggered.

But you are right about one thing. I was experiencing intermittent reinforcement. No doubt.

This is the dynamic that makes people addicted. It is like gambling. You keep waiting for the next reward and it feels like a rollercoaster. Isn’t it funny I had a dream about rollercoasters right before I first met this guy?

The rules of the game are simple.

I give you attention and affection. You feel a rush. I withdraw. You scrape the walls out of sheer confusion, trying to figure out what you did wrong and how to get it back.

I have seen people using this dynamic consciously to get another person hooked on them. Sure, it might work. But is that the relationship we want? Having someone addicted to us is not love. It’s saying to the universe that we don’t feel worthy of love unless we play games to make them like us. We don’t need to trick people into being with us.

The moment came when he opened up. He spoke from his heart and explained how complicated he was and that he does not know how to express emotions. He would stare at his phone, thinking about me, yet feeling so paralyzed by the thought of texting me. The more he was overthinking, the more the thought of “what will she think about me?” took over. Maybe it was a lie, but he felt honest at the moment.

And also, I knew exactly what he was talking about. I felt the same way so many times. The difference was that I had been on this healing journey for years by now, and he was just getting started. It would never work. I understood the message of the situation then and there.

One phrase he said made me understand there was no hope here. When I asked if he would try to be more open and consistent, his answer was “maybe in another life”. Well, how about never then?

We don’t have to wait for relationships to turn toxic before deciding to leave them.

Compatibility is so important. So how can we have a relationship where every time one person gets close, the other runs?

We have to be willing to be bigger than our fears so we can hold our fears instead of them holding us. There has to be a willingness to put ourselves in other people’s shoes. What is a relationship without compassion for one another?

And if we find ourselves in the dynamic of intermittent reinforcement. Consciously or unconsciously. We need to recognize that it’s not love. It’s simply an addiction and it won’t end well.

What we are feeling is a hit of dopamine and the rush of inconsistent reward. If we want a secure relationship, intermittent reinforcement is the opposite of that. It’s as inconsistent as it gets, and it will wear us out in the end.

Play games, but not with people.