Narcissistic Recovery
The Good And Bad That Comes With Surviving The Narcissistic Abuse In Your Life
Some things either break you or make you the man you should be.
My friend has a child with a narcissist and shares custody. After suffering emotional and psychological abuse from his ex-partner, he came to face another challenge — parental alienation of his son. Years, passed and challenges got bigger: broken court orders, false allegations, obstruction of contact.
It seemed as he was always catching up with everything — and there was never enough time. Time to spend with his child, time to work, time to answer hundreds of emails from his narcissistic ex, time to heal. But my friend is a strong man, and when I say strong I mean determined to do the best for his child.
When his son was 8, and under the supervision of his mother and her 5th or 6th boyfriend the child ended up in E.R. He nearly drowned in a bathtub, while mum was sleeping on the couch after taking Codeine for her back pain and her boyfriend was wanking off, watching porn. There were more incidents prior to this one, but this was the last straw. And that’s when my friend decided to seek primary custody and relocate his child to the Netherlands.
Let me be clear, he didn’t want to take the child “away ” from the mother.
He wished to provide the child with a better environment. He offered the mother to visit them twice per month in the Netherlands, pay all the expenses, give her the majority of holidays to spend with the son.
He was confident the courts would look at the situation through his eyes — objectively. But they didn’t, because when you are dealing with a narcissist in court, especially a female one, be prepared for false allegations to come up.
So he fought and fought and after almost $70,000 spent on lawyers, severe emotional trauma for the child, and 700 pages-long statements the judge decided that the child should stay in one of the worst cities in the country and continue to have shared custody. Back to square one.
My friend was obviously devasted, the best he could do was try and focus on the child, but he had to put on his oxygen mask fist.
Two days ago after being on a trip with his child to the Netherlands, which was nearly stopped by the narcissistic mother, he faced another challenge — a stab, that pierced him through his heart just like when Brutus killed Ceasar with a dagger.
He rang me in the middle of the night and told me, sobbing:
“My own mother is a narcissist. I was the “Scapegoat” in the family, no wonder, I’ve ended up like this! No wonder, my child is being alienated, even by my own family. I have no one! No one…”
I could hear the agony behind his words, the last scream before certain death:
“Et tu, Brute?”
I tried to reassure him: I told him that he has friends who love him, that he isn’t alone, but the truth be told — he is alone. In his head now, he is feeling like the loneliest person in the world.
Those who haven’t gone through narcissistic abuse, be it by their ex-partner, colleague, or family — can’t comprehend what it entails. Add, children to the mix, and the parental alienation even the strongest man could break into pieces. How could my words put him back together?
I wished to add that he has a beautiful son and he must gather strength for him so his son doesn’t repeat his parent's sins and doesn’t continue the line of generational narcissistic abuse. But the fact is, my friend must heal first before he is able to gather the strength to support his child.
No words at this time of desperation could reassure him, he must go through hell first — and either he will burn or he would rise like a Phoenix from ashes.
He spoke of his family a lot. I knew bits and pieces. It seems that he had an awakening of some sort. He realized that he was the “Scapegoat” in the family.
My friend is the middle child and being the scapegoat is the hardest. His mother used to blame him for family problems, and she was so disappointed with him. Nothing was ever good enough. The problem was that my friend is smart, he wanted better, he didn’t want to live in a small town where his mum lived so he wished to move away when he was 16 and go to the big city and enroll in college. His mother disapproved. She wanted/ needed him around her.
He told he that there is nothing good awaiting him in this small town and that he isn’t leaving her — he is just following his own dreams. He was the most aware of his parent's shortcomings and how dysfunctional the family was. So he left, and for years his mother didn’t speak to him — she gaslighted him, used silent treatment, and when his child was born and he applied for primary custody, she stood by his narcissistic ex, stating:
“You’ve hurt me when you left 20 years ago! If you take the child away from her mother, it just brings back the memories of when you left me! So I can’t be on your side…”
Narcissists don’t evolve. They are stuck. They can be 70 years old and have grandchildren and seem nice like grandma Alma from “Encanto” movie, but they are tyrants.
Even after 20 years passed, his own mother still punishes him for “leaving her” and doing better than the two remaining siblings. She uses his own child and projects her own feelings onto him, not once thinking about how he feels. Not asking him, why did he go to court? Not caring how much detriment her own grandchild has suffered. His own mother still thinks about herself and how she feels above anybody else.
His youngest sister stayed with the mom, she is the “golden child”. She nearly lives under the same roof as her mum and her family and children. She was always the mum’s favorite, protected from everyone, she never left the home or received a higher degree. Her husband has bought a house just a 5-minute walk from the mother, so they can be close to each other forever.
I wonder, does her husband suffer?
My friend’s oldest brother was the “invisible child”. He shortly followed my friend and moved out of the mother’s prison. And my friend, “the scapegoat” was blamed for that. But what could his brother do? He was lost, in between the golden child and the rebel.
Today, he barely speaks with his family and is living with a narcissistic wife. She didn’t even let him have a bachelor party prior to their wedding. He goes on vacation with her family and texts my friend, his brother, only on Christmas and on Birthdays.
The “invisible child” doesn’t have the sense that they matter much. Their identities aren’t fully developed. No wonder he just follows other needs, wants, desires, and never his own. He is the one who will be publicly silenced by his wife at the gathering. As an invisible child, he will always struggle to know who he is at the most basic of levels because so much of his early conditioning made him stuck in the middle.
My friend doesn’t realize this yet, but there are good things that have happened to him by meeting his narcissistic ex. It made him realize his childhood and family dynamics were dysfunctional and reassured him that the steps he has done, like leaving his mother and fighting for his son were the right steps.
Not knowing his ex, he would not know his family and without not knowing his family he wouldn’t know himself.
After all, he was the one who recognized what was best for him and became the most successful in his career. Even though he is struggling with trauma and PTSD. He will overcome it, in time.
He is the one who recognized the family’s cruelties and lies and has learned to nurture himself on his own while never being properly loved. Being able to see all of this became his biggest asset! So all I could tell my friend was:
“Be grateful to your ex, because she made you a better person and a better father. You are a warrior, a questioner, a survivor with the insight and grit to find your own way out!”
And as for the mother…don’t fear going no-contact with family members. We can’t pick our parents.
One day you will look back and will realize that it was the healthiest thing you could do for yourself. People may criticize you. But they aren’t your friends if they do.
After all, do they know what you’ve been through?
The betrayal, shock, disappointments, and sadness that one feels when a family member becomes a “flying monkey” for one’s narcissistic ex. Don’t bother to explain narcissistic abuse and the after-effects of that abuse.
Family members that become “flying monkeys” for your narcissist ex only add on to the abuse that one has to endure, additionally putting your children through abuse by proxy.
Being abused by one narcissist is enough for one lifetime. You don’t need family members to abuse you too.
You are not alone. You are loved and this experience will either break you or make you into the man you were destined to be.
I am certain that this experience will make my friend stronger than ever before.
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