The Frightful 5: 5 Triggers for the Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style

Attack your attachment style, don’t let it attack you.

Do you feel that you or your partner has a dependency on others for internal affirmation?

You can feel or see someone shutting down and instantly go from happy to overwhelmed with the external events life throws at us.

While you may feel this is personal to you, it is due to an anxious-preoccupied attachment style.

You may feel like it is out of your control to change, but if you dig into the core triggers that cause this reaction, it will be less dreadful than you fear.

Abandonment

The anxious-preoccupied attachment style develops from inconsistency and emotional needs not being met.

The attachment style, as a result, relies on the characteristics above to create a deep bond. Consistency and emotional stability are at the core of their happiness.

• A shift in their perception of either characteristic can cause an emotional outbreak, even if unintentional.
• A change in routine can create a feeling of being a secondary priority.
• As a result, you or your partner will attempt to pull closer to generate a connection when an imbalance is perceived
• If they are not met with an equal pull or embrace in their attempt to connect, a feeling of abandonment will result.

A feeling of panic results, and this attachment style needs to avoid this at all costs. The fear comes from the thought that the changes and imbalance are due to something wrong with them. The truth is it is a more random occurrence than the fault of the anxious-preoccupied partner.

Dismissed

The anxious-preoccupied can be a “clingy” partner. They want to feel a sense of connection through you spending time together.

If they feel like they are a second option, a trigger of feeling dismissed or undervalued will result.

• While day-to-day issues and emergencies arise, the AP will feel dismissed if there isn’t a good explanation.
• An issue superseding a routine activity can make the AP feel shut out.
• Expression of feelings is of high value. The AP can give long details, and they need to feel heard.

The anxious preoccupied can be easily triggered when they don’t feel seen or heard. Being attentive to your feelings is essential. Using words of affirmation can bridge the gap in communication and an understanding of value for the AP if it is your partner.

Loneliness

Whether you are alone physically, mentally, or perceive loneliness, this can be triggering.

The attachment style has difficulty connecting to themself and feels strongest when they have a support system to rely on for emotional needs.

• The anxious-preoccupied attachment style relies on tight bonds for a feeling of stability.
• Due to a lack of connection with themselves, they find more comfort in deep connection with others.
• The attachment style is also a people pleaser.
• As a result of the actions above, affirmation and validation from others have a deeper meaning than internal feelings can produce.

The core wound of loneliness is a result of fear of abandonment. When left alone, the anxious-preoccupied person is not great at self-soothing. When there is no reassurance, the person will shut down and feel less valued.

Rejection

We all hate rejection, whether it is not getting into a program, denial for a college you wanted to attend, or someone you are interested in, not sharing that feeling.

For the anxious-preoccupied, rejection comes in many other forms.

• A rejection to a party they invited you to can feel personal instead of someone genuinely not being able to attend.
• There is a deep meaning to the internal feelings resulting from their perception of how others feel towards them.
• Changes in the dynamics of a relationship can feel like a shift away from wanting to spend time together.
• Changes in routine can result in the same feeling. It is not personal to you or your partner but perceived that way.

No one likes the feeling of rejection. There is the direct rejection that many of us deal with daily. There is also indirect rejection which is only a result of how we feel about an action by someone else. The anxious-preoccupied must learn how to decipher between the two.

Feeling lesser

You’ll notice there seems to be a flow of triggers, in which the sequential trigger can feel like a result of the previous. Anxiety is often a buildup of overwhelming emotions that make us feel out of control.

The previous triggers can result in the anxious-preoccupied feeling like they have low value.

• A hard truth for all humans, but sometimes people won’t like you.
• While it can feel personal, many factors create a misalignment in personality matches.
• Feeling excluded can create the feeling of feeling low value.

You are not going to be everyone’s best friend. Misalignment can also result from issues someone else has, rather than being your fault. Due to the people-pleasing characteristic of the attachment style, you or your partner will make things personal to you rather than understanding the complex external factors.

Key to success

The key to success for the anxious-preoccupied is finding internal validation and security to detach from the dependency on others.

The next step is to create an ability to self-soothe so the AP can resolve issues internally.

The feeling of abandonment and rejection derives from life events and traumas that need treatment.

These small changes can help the AP develop a sense of self, which will help detach from the need to receive validation from others.