3 Helpful Pieces of Advice for Dating an Anxious Preoccupied Partner

Part 3 of the attachment style series.

Have you been in and out of unsuccessful relationships and in the end still don’t know the root of the issues?

Did you know there is one factor that affects your relationships more than any other belief?

The answer to the love equation is finding your attachment style.

You have shown up in relationships with your best intentions, but by the end, you feel emotionally withdrawn.

Obviously, This leads to breakups.

What if I told you the true answer to your dilemma is not the emotional differences that you experience with current and past partners but the behavioral differences due to your attachment style.

In my attachment style series, I dig into the core of each attachment style while advising on how to recognize behavioral patterns, attend to needs, and communicate. Today, we focus on the anxious preoccupied. (DA and FA articles below.)

• Secure -comfort in vulnerability, viewed loving relationships in childhood
• anxious preoccupied- fear abandonment, constantly seek connection
• dismissive-avoidant-Enjoy independence, feel pressure in relationships
• fearful-avoidant- hot and cold, confused about feelings, avoid connection

Know these elements about AP partners

• Develop attachment style from inconsistency with emotional needs being met in childhood. for example, having one parent with whom they connect but one with whom they have a cold relationship.
• Deep fears of disconnect and fear of emotional rejection. They can feel unloved as a result.
• Not great at self-soothing, so they need assistance and connection to get through issues.
• Due to the need to not feel abandoned they will constantly try and pull closer and connect.
• Believe that if they sacrifice enough eventually they will receive the love back, but by sacrificing needs they indirectly push people away when they become resentful by projecting that emotion in return.

Know the needs of your AP partners

• AP partners need emotional intimacy along with a deep bond. They desire a deep connection with their partner.
• Needs attention and presence from a partner in the relationship. You will often hear that words of affirmation are a top love language.
• Afraid of reliving pain so they can be “clingy” or try to control the bond between them and their partner. Due to the need to not feel abandoned they will constantly try and pull closer and connect.
• As a result, they will subconsciously feel that other connections you have in your life threaten their connection to you so they may try to control your external relationships.
• Need validation of their feelings. The best approach is to actively say you are meeting their needs with action.

For example, It is received well to directly say “babe I want to watch a movie because I know you appreciate it when I block time for you.”

Know how to communicate with AP partner

• Since they have a hard time with unresolved disputes, they tend to have a hard time giving space as a result. waiting for texts, for instance, is a trigger for feeling abandoned. You must be consistent in your communication with an AP.
• Need feelings shared openly. They will hear you out and understand and are good connectors.

Express YOUR needs and make sure if they are personal to you, it does not come off as personal to THEM. Preface your comments by letting them know its a feeling of yours.

• Let them know their value. Words of affirmation not only give them confidence but let them know their established value in your life.
• Connect with them at all costs. APs are very expressive, so when you have conversations about feelings and day-to-day life you will get long detailed explanations.
• They need to get feelings off their chest. Often this will sound like a laundry list of issues, but what they’re doing is expressing the details of what is causing them pain.

Keys to success

The good news is the AP wants to heal by learning to connect to their emotions and needs. The flip side is they will often feel unheard and desire validation of their feelings.

Again, this comes from their childhood.

Be attentive and show them you care. Unlike other attachment styles, they need to perceive your level of care through their feelings.

You can accomplish this by a display centered around their needs. Also, let them know this act addresses their needs because you want to focus on them.

APs are givers by nature. The only issue is that they will subconsciously ignore their needs in the process. When you give back, it will be met with gratitude and appreciation.

When they ask, tell! Overexplain. Give detail.

APs are constantly met with the feeling of rejection when they are not connecting with their partner. The more details they know about you the better.

They must feel like it is not due to their actions. If they do, this is when the “clingy” nature resurfaces. Their coping technique is to reconnect by default.

If you shut them out, they will chase more.

Conclusion

The focus of my attachment style series is to help identify the core of our behaviors; so we understand their effect on our relationships and bonds.

It goes beyond your sexual relationships and crosses over into your friendships and bonds with family.

The goal is to get to a baseline secure attachment style which I will review in my next article.

You are not flawed, you are not unworthy, and you are not guilty of your attachment style. We all need to practice techniques to help us evolve in our relationships.

Understanding them is the first step.

Want a quick overview of all 4 attachment styles? Visit my article below.