The Flawed Concept of Starting Fresh

And the 3 ingredients to getting it right

You make New Year’s resolutions and your motto is “new year, new me” until you give up a few weeks after you start implementing them because, well, you’re busy.

You decide your week will be better next week and start Monday with a high, but by Wednesday you feel deflated again.

“Tomorrow will be better” is a saying you tell yourself after a crappy day at work, but the next day you wake up with that same feeling of numbness and exhaustion that leads down the same path as yesterday.

Starting fresh is an optimistic concept that makes dreamers feel hopeful about lifestyle changes. You formulate a plan as to how your life is going to be turned around but the reality is very different — you don’t suddenly feel as good as you thought you would when this fresh start begins. It’s disappointing, isn’t it?

The Problem

The issue with the concept of turning over a new leaf has two overlapping parts:

1. The quick fix.

People like to see instant results.

We thrive from them because they’re physical proof of cause and effect. When we do X, Y happens. The flaw is that the feeling of gratification we receive does not last very long.

If we want results instantly, we can expect the feeling we get to disappear just as quickly.

If you make short term changes, you’ll get short term results, if any at all.

“Don’t sacrifice your future dreams at the altar of instant gratification.” Ashley Borden

People use a quick mood changer and are surprised when the high doesn’t last very long. It’s like with drug-taking. There will always be a comedown and it’ll leave you with stirred up waves of emotions. You will feel off balance more often than not.

2. Depending on exterior things to take care of our inner mood.

We are making the false assumption that our new habits will make us feel good. We’re handing over control of our feelings to other things. We are leaving it to the hands of our new habits to make us change how we feel.

We are telling ourselves that we are not responsible for feeling happy. It’s nuts.

“She knows herself to be at the mercy of events, and she knows by now that events have no mercy.”

― Margaret Atwood, The Blind Assassin

Your circumstances don't have the ability to change when you don’t like them. You must be able to control your thinking, no matter what has or is happening around you.

Depending on your new habits brings disappointment because they cannot possibly make you feel good without your effort.

The Good News

We assume that implementing a particular daily ritual will give us a feeling of happiness when in actual fact we are supposed to have the feeling already. The habits we adopt can help to maintain a higher state of happiness, but the initial feeling has to be good.

Giving yourself a deadline to make any change by Christmas, or by Monday, or by the first of the month, can be good if you need time to mentally prepare for your turn around — but don’t lie to yourself.

The main reason you wait is to procrastinate, and the sooner you accept this, the sooner you can evaluate what’s holding you back and fix your attitude.

You can start fresh at any point in time — in the middle of the day, night, during a meal. You don’t have to wait.

You have control of your mind, and that’s great news.

The Solution

The hard work comes here — but it’s OK, you’ve got this.

See the outside habits you adopt as physical symbols of your inner state of mind.

The idea of success feels good. But the actual start of it begins only when you feel and act as if you have changed already.

The fresh start is with saying “I am happy, I feel good”, and saying it like you mean it — at any time.

When your emotion changes first, and then you act in line with those feelings, you are helping your mind sustain a happy mood, but you cannot depend solely on your actions or the results you will achieve.

This is why starting fresh is misunderstood, but once you get it, it’s much easier to achieve the good feeling you seek.

The Secret

You need to feel good first. But how do we do this?

What makes you feel happy? Think of a fond memory or anything that gives you that feeling of happiness inside. That is the feeling you want all the time, right?

Think about the circumstances you were in at the time and what all those moments have in common. Don’t dwell on the memories — the key is reminding yourself of how good they feel, right now.

You lived in the moment, as cheesy as that sounds.

What do you think will help you live in the moment, feeling this good, now? Don’t think about later or tomorrow. How can you achieve this state of mind right now?

You have to outnumber the bad feelings with the good, and that means focusing only on the good as much as you can, but especially when negativity tries to invade you.

Every time I feel even the slightest bit of negative, it means I am in my head and no longer living in the moment.

If a situation arises that causes me to have heightened emotions, like the start of an argument, I let go of all negativity before tackling it. I refuse to let those emotions run my actions, so I don’t entertain them. This allows me to be more objective and get through a misunderstanding without the added heat of the moment, thus avoiding further arguments.

I can’t help those who are negative around me, but I can help how I react to them, and I can choose not to engage. The same applies to my own thoughts.

I’m not suppressing my feelings here, I am just moving on very quickly because they don’t deserve my attention. And the universe will help you change the subject in your mind.

I use 3 methods to help me stay out of bad and keep me in good:

1. Signs

At the start of every day, I ask the universe to call me out by throwing me a sign if I’m I’m ever going down an emotionally horrible path.

I kid you not, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been snapped out by a loud bang; splashed with hot water; hit my toe on the table; or received a nice message or comment from a loved one when I start to entertain negative thoughts.

This resets my mood instantly 1. because it’s distracting, and 2. because I realise what I’m doing and then I consciously change the subject in my head.

Those negative thoughts aren’t you, and they can be let go of at any time. Just look ut for the signs before you give too much attention to a bad feeling.

2. Gratitude

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.” ― Epicurus

Don’t underestimate the power of gratitude. Every day when I wake up, I’m literally smiling about how thankful I am. There is so much to be appreciative of, down to the air you breathe. Never mind everything else going on in the world, that’s not your business if you’re not going to do anything to control it. You can control your mind now, so give yourself a break from the news and your circumstances, and just feel good for what you have.

3. Music

Music grounds you. Now, although this is an external thing, and I know some will be thinking I am contradicting myself because I said the change of attitude comes first, but hear me out.

Music is energy.

Humans are energy.

Humans and music have an extremely strong connection. Your favourite song will find a way to connect to all your senses at once and bring you back down to earth, and out of your head. You will feel good. You will be able to embrace that feeling no matter what is happening. You can then become aware of your thinking and consciously make the effort to change it.

“Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination and life to everything.” ― Plato

I dance every day with my son. Hopefully, this will teach him the power of the connection between happiness and music. If I do this right, he won’t even know it and just naturally have a constant state of happiness, starting with the ability to connect with music.

Using the three above steps can help you start fresh right now.

Your good attitude will motivate you to act in ways that will match your mood and you will learn to enjoy the process of making those changes. The results will be good with the right attitude, but you cannot depend on them to feed your inner state of happiness.

It really is a miracle that any one human being exists, even if it doesn’t look like it. Be grateful for your existence. Imagine this was a gift, so don’t give yourself away to your fearful thoughts — they don’t deserve you.

You’ve got this.

Sylvia Emokpae, thinker and philosopher, is passionate about self-love, motherhood, and pro-race. See more work like this.