The First Time I Tried Vaginal Beads

This might be the most fun my vagina has had in years.

“Are you keeping up with your Kegels?” This is a question I regularly ask my mother, who is in her late 60s. As I always tell her, “You gotta keep it tight. You never know when you’re gonna need that thing again.” That thing being her vagina, of course.

She always looks at me with a chillingly serious expression on her face and says, “I’m doing them right now.”

I’ve always been a little obsessive about my pelvic floor muscles. The moment I heard they help give you good orgasms…well, I was hooked. Who doesn’t want that?

Plus, I always loved teasing my partners with my muscle work. About a month into my relationship with my first boyfriend, I finally felt brave enough to squeeze him after he first entered me. He was so shocked, he grabbed me and said, “You’ve been able to do that this whole time and you only just started now?!” (That was probably the only time we talked during sex, poor, shy little virgins that we were.)

With my last partner, I’d get more elaborate with it, trying to make a wave from the base of my vagina up into the deeper parts of me (mostly unsuccessfully, I should add). Or I’d suddenly clench down on him while he was thrusting. I loved it, because every time, he’d have to stop and tell me he wouldn’t last two more seconds if I didn’t stop it.

It feels good to know you have a kick-ass, tricked out vagina that can make a guy lose all restraint.

In my mid-thirties, I decided I wanted to take things to a new level. I had just started following Kim Anami, who was making waves at the time with her #thingsiliftwithmyvagina campaign. What does she lift with her vagina? Coconuts. Weights. Surfboards. (Yes, I’m serious.)

My competitive little vagina thought, “I can do that!”

I decided to make the experience both athletic and spiritual and I bought my first “egg.” Mine was rose quartz, because at the time, I was going through deep pain in my relationship and I wanted to use a stone known for its love energy. While I loved playing with my egg (I’ll share that story later), I didn’t end up being able to hold a surfboard — or even a coconut — with my vagina. What can I say? Life gets busy. Vaginas get neglected.

After I moved into my new house, I misplaced my egg for some time. But I kept thinking about it because I had entered my 40s and my work required me to sit all too often — two factors in the weakening of pelvic floor muscles. That, and childbirth, which is, I imagine, a big one.

Though I haven’t given birth, I am aware of the other factors at play here, and have definitely noticed that my muscles aren’t as strong as they once were. The biggest indicator to me was that if I really had to pee and ran into the bathroom, as soon as I saw the toilet, my body relaxed and I felt like I was going to pee before I even got my pants down. Holding back when my bladder is really full became an actual effort.

That cinched it. Clearly, I needed to get in shape down there.

Opening up my Lelo Luna Beads when they first arrived was a very exciting moment for me — for many reasons, though I’ll spare you the details. Let’s just say that my pelvic floor muscles were trembling with excitement at how tight they were going to get.

I was a little nervous upon actually holding them in my hand. They are pretty big. And I’m not. I have an incredibly tight vagina. That’s not bragging. Believe me, it can be a pain in the ass sometimes. I have never been able to have a true quickie — with a partner or a sex toy — because it takes a while for me to open up down there. And even then, it is usually a slow process to get a penis or toy inside me.

But again, my vagina is a real go-getter, and was up for this challenge.

(There is a smaller size, FYI. But apparently, they aren’t as…ummm…titillating.)

Insertion

I gave myself half an hour for this process Not because I thought it would take that long, but because I wanted to enjoy myself a little…if you know what I mean.

After my shower, I laid down on the bed, naked, and started inserting the crown bead (the end without the string), as recommended. I did not use lube (also recommended — water-based, they say) because I was already pretty juicy and didn’t want the beads to come shooting out of me as soon as they were in.

I chose to start with the pink beads, which are 28 grams, each. (The blue ones are 37.) I figured I should start with the lighter ones, just in case my vagina was more out of shape than I imagined. Plus, the pink beads are so much cuter.

The first bead took a while to get in, but I played with my clit while I inserted it, to make the process easier. Once it was just inside me, it hurt a little bit, and I waited for a moment, clenching my muscles, hoping to pull it in deeper, but finally just gave it a push with my finger and it went in easily from there. It’s also worth noting that this push into my body was extremely pleasurable.

Believe it or not, the second one was no less time-consuming to get in. (I’m telling you, that first band of muscles inside me is like an overly eager boa constrictor.) Once in, though, it was even more pleasurable than it had been with just the first bead in.

The orgasm (because why not??)

Of course, I figured I should have an orgasm. I mean, I was already halfway there. The stimulation of the beads was extremely unusual. When it comes to penetration, the most intense sensations are generally nearer to the base of the vagina — because that’s where the penis or toy is connected to a body or a base, which comes into contact with our outer vagina, our labia, our perineum.

But with the beads, the full sensation and the pressure was deep inside me, with no pressure or stimulation at the base of my vagina. I love to feel that fullness as deep inside as a partner or toy can get, so this was an extremely pleasurable and unique sensation.

Though my orgasm was not necessarily anything new nor was it particularly better than normal, as soon as the sensations started to fade, I could feel the balls moving as my vagina contracted and it felt like a thousand butterflies inside me, their wings beating frantically. I just laid there making squeaking sounds and groans because I was so stunned by the sensations (which, sadly, I was never again able to replicate — and believe me, I gave it a sporting try!).

Wearing them around

When I got up and bent over to pull on a pair of pants, I cried out as if someone had just taken my nipple into their mouth. The little balls inside the beads both dropped forward as I bent over, making a gentle vibration against the front of my vagina. I couldn’t believe how intensely pleasurable that little movement was.

I spent the next few minutes making tea, and every movement brought more pleasure from those balls jiggling around inside the beads. I kept crying out, as if I was actually having sex. (Thank god I live alone.) I had to stop twice, bracing my hands on the counter because I just wanted to drop to the floor and start grinding on something right there.

Then I sat down to get some work done — or at least, that was my intention. I sit on a yoga ball while I’m writing and as soon as my body hit the ball, I almost had another orgasm. The pressure of the ball and the angle of my body made me feel the beads more intensely and as I worked, every slight movement of my body made me yelp. I was even breathing heavily because I could barely concentrate.

About twenty minutes of that and I had to go have another orgasm. #sorrynotsorry

Removal

The only downside to toys like this is that the dismount is not nearly as fun as the rest of it. At least for me. Balls or eggs or anything that’s got a large girth in the middle but is smaller at the top and bottom tend to hurt when they come out.

I’d had trouble with this before, with my rose quartz egg — dear god, it makes me squeeze my thighs together just thinking about that thing coming out of me. Yeow.

But I’d forgotten all about it once the beads were in me. (I had other things on my mind.)

So when it came time to remove them, I simply let gravity push it out and when the first bead popped out, I let out a bit of a screech. Oof. And then of course, I was all tensed up in nervous preparation to pop out the second one. Double oof.

Not so bad, really. Just the perils of having a tight opening down there. Don’t let that scare you off these beads. Because they are fucking amazing and the two seconds of discomfort as they came out of me will not deter me from using them again.

I want to try wearing them while walking, doing yoga, and going to the store. So far, I’ve successfully worn them while using a sledgehammer for half an hour (don’t ask, long story), and bending and squatting while lifting heavy objects. High five, anyone?

I am so happy with my Luna Beads. What a wonderful way to start 2020. And how lucky for a future lover who is going to benefit from this shiny, tight little vagina that might even be able to pick up a surfboard someday…

*I did not receive these beads from Lelo, nor is this an affiliate post. This is just me, talking about a product that I love.*

© Yael Wolfe 2020

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