Summary

Yael Wolfe asserts that writing about sex is a legitimate form of expression and a means to combat societal shame and sexism, advocating for the empowerment of women and the freedom to express sexuality without judgment or constraints.

Abstract

In a bold stance against pervasive societal shame and gender-based misconceptions, Yael Wolfe defends the right to write about sex as a form of personal empowerment and a challenge to outdated norms. She confronts sexist comments and the shaming of women for expressing their sexuality, emphasizing the importance of setting an example for other women to find their voice. Wolfe rejects the notion that writing about sex is unethical or should be confined to women-only spaces, arguing that such expression is a personal choice that can be fun, empowering, and a valid form of income. She insists that individuals should be free to express their sexuality in any way they see fit, without explanation or apology.

Opinions

Writing about sex is a valid and necessary act to counteract societal shame and sexist beliefs.
Women are often shamed or dismissed when it comes to their sexual desires and needs, which is a trend that needs to be reversed.
The idea that women should only discuss sex in private, women-only forums is rejected as restrictive and sexist.
There is an ongoing debate about the ethics of writing about sex, which Wolfe views as a non-issue; she believes individuals should not be shamed for expressing their sexuality publicly.
Wolfe writes about sex to empower other women, to give voice to those who feel uncomfortable expressing their sexuality, and to challenge shame.
She is aware of the backlash and targeting that comes with openly discussing sex, especially as a woman, but is committed to the cause of destigmatizing sexual expression.
Wolfe advocates for the freedom to express sexuality in any form, whether for personal enjoyment, empowerment, or profit, without the need for justification.
She encourages others to embrace and explore their sexuality without succumbing to shame or societal judgment.

No, There’s Nothing Wrong with Writing About Sex

Or with any other way you want to express your sexuality

Writing about sex seems to be a one-step-forward, ten-steps-back process. The farther I have come on this journey, the more I have encountered situations that discourage me. For as liberated as we’re becoming, sometimes I feel like we’re still moving so damn slowly.

I still get comments from men who continue to assert that women don’t like sex as much as they do or that women don’t have a high drive or need for sex. I’ve even gotten these kinds of comments on an article in which I argue why that’s not true.

If you’ve followed me for a while, then you know that this is a real pet peeve of mine. Don’t tell me women don’t like or need sex as much as men. One of these days, I’m going to lose it on some poor, unsuspecting new reader who refuses to let go of this sexist notion. I’m sorry in advance. (I’m not, actually. I’m really not sorry, at all.)

Pet peeves aside, what really gets me is how much shame there is out there — still. So much that I wonder if we’re even making any progress, at all.

I recently received a tirade from a man who accused me and other women of demanding men to stop desiring women — and claiming that our demand was insanely unfair being as we are parading our sexuality all over the internet in the form of nude photographs and sexually explicit essays.

He ended his diatribe by saying that the women who write about sex on Medium should have a women’s only forum in which to indulge in our “sex positive rampages.”

I’ve also noticed how often other writers — particularly women — debate the ethics of writing about sex (as if it’s an ethical matter). Here are the kinds of questions I’m seeing:

Is it okay?
Should we profit from this?
Does profiting from this make us sex workers?
Are we selling out?
Are we hurting other people by sharing our stories?
Are we devaluing sex by talking about our experiences and fantasies in detail?
Are we “real” writers if we write about sex?
Are we exploiting the people in our lives or our readers?

And on and on…

Let’s get something clear: This is all a lot of bullshit. This is shame wearing a mask so it can try to trick us into identifying it as morality, discretion, or female misbehavior.

Shame is as insidious an emotion as fear, it’s as controlling as addiction, and it’s as toxic as anthrax. It’s also contagious, and cultural conditioning makes it hard not to spread this virus to others.

But I’m not interested. I’ve seen the devastating damage that shame can do to us. I’ve seen how it hurts the people I love. I’ve endured the damage it has inflicted upon me.

I have no interest in answering those questions here or participating in a debate about it. That’s another trick of shame. Folks, I’m 43 years old. I know myself. I know who I am. I know what my intentions are.

I write what I write — my angry diatribes, my sexual fantasies, my personal stories, my explorations of shame — for one reason: to empower other women. I believe that most women feel uncomfortable expressing their sexuality, let alone giving voice to it. While I’m not suggesting we all need to publicly declare our desires and experiences, I do believe that some of us need to set that example as loudly as possible in order to hold space for the women who are finding their voice, power, and expression.

I have always known that writing about sex would put a target on my back — especially as a woman. I have always known there would be people who would harass me, shame me, or try to silence me.

But for the cause, for the good of kicking shame’s teeth in, I will take the hits. Gladly.

And I will keep sharing my fantasies, my experiences, my anger, my pleasure, and my semi-nude photos on Instagram (and probably some fully nude photos in an upcoming project I’m working on). Why? Because I… Oh wait. Fuck that. I don’t have to explain myself!

This is my body, my life, and my sexuality. I get to do whatever I want with it.

And so does every other human being in the world.

But what about people who aren’t writing about sex in an effort to sexually empower women or destroy shame? That’s not okay, right?

I will tell you a secret that has clearly not yet made the rounds: It’s okay to write about sex (in a public forum that’s not “women only”) for any of the following reasons:

Because you like to talk about sex.
Because it’s fun.
Because it makes you happy.
Because it makes you money.
Because it turns you on.
Because you want to turn other people on.
Because you want to piss off your parents.
Because it makes you feel empowered.

And really, anything else goes.

Again, just in case the folks in the balcony missed this: We get to express our sexuality however we want. No explanations or apologies necessary. That especially goes for my fellow females!

And if you think writing about sex is disrespectful or immoral, that’s fine. No judgment, friend. Don’t write about it. (Meanwhile, I’ll keep typing away.)

If you think women should only talk about sex in private forums — well, that’s straight up bullshit. I really can’t help you with that one, except to howl all the louder.

So folks, let’s remember the “you do you” blessing today; let’s live and let live. Explore your sexuality and have fun with it. I’m currently having a blast writing a smutty poetry book and editing photos of my naked breasts to use as illustrations. Because I can.

Oh my god, should I be showing my breasts? Should I be writing filthy poems? Is it immoral for me to make money from this?

Enjoy the debate but I won’t be participating.

I know myself. I know who I am. I know how I want to express my sexuality.

It’s here for the sharing, but I’m not interested in the shaming.

I’m done with the shame.

Does Morality Belong in the Bedroom?

Or is it just another tool for shaming ourselves and each other?

medium.com

Unlearning What My Parents Taught Me About Sex

We inherit everything from our parents — including damaging beliefs about our sexuality.

medium.com