The First Time I Ended Reconciliation with My Ex-Wife: Reconciliation and Regret Part 3

I don’t remember how long it was until my ex-wife, who I was now reconciling with, and I slept together again. We had been dating again for about a month and she said that she wanted to wait longer than normal. Because, even though we had literally made babies together, there was a lot of hurt and issues between us. I understood it, even though I was craving physical intimacy. But the hurt and issues she spoke of were the same reason I was now conflicted about being in a relationship at all, let alone with her.

But, despite wanting out, we carried on our reconciliation. We were sleeping in the same bed again. One night, we both woke up around two in the morning. She asked why I was awake and I told her I had a dream we were having sex. She reached over and felt underneath my underwear and started playing with herself. Our foreplay only lasted a couple minutes before we were both wrapped up in each other.

We were both half asleep and it felt kind of like a dream to me, but I remember how emotional it was for us. There was a lot of hurt and emotion we were still dealing with and the sex seemed to intensify those feelings and bring them to the surface. I remember the intense feelings of conflict and satisfaction, like I had won her back from Donald. It took me longer to realize that, subconsciously, I was chasing this goal as part of my reason for reconciling with her.

Keep Trucking On

As the weeks went by, we kept trying at reconciliation. But the same issues and feelings were there; it didn’t seem like we were making any progress. I knew if it happened, it would take a long time, but my mind never really stopped feeling like I was in the wrong relationship. I made lists of reasons why I wanted to be with my ex-wife and Teresa, why I didn’t want to be with my ex-wife, I went on long walks, I journaled, but I didn’t get rid of the doubt about the reconciliation. One of my entries told how getting closer was scaring me more and pushing me farther away:

I forgot what it was like to be married to [ex-wife] and I forgot a lot of the memories. These last few weeks I brought some those memories back and it’s bringing back a lot of the hurt with it. It’s bringing back a lot of the good and a lot of the bad.

Nobody Will Let Me End It. Not Even Myself.

That’s what I wrote one night. I explained how I felt trapped:

Last Monday, I told [ex-wife] and [couple therapist] that I’m hitting a wall. I was told to keep pushing. I talked to [ex] after, and she told me the feelings will pass and I need to keep going.

Thursday I told [ex]I wanted to take a step back. See above for the response I got.

Today is Monday again. I intended on doing it, but I felt too bad with [son’s] birthday party coming up. [Ex] has put so much work into his birthday party and I don’t want to ruin it. I feel like I have to hold on for him and the family. To see if there’s anything. [Ex] told me she wants me to take her hand and jump off the cliff. I told her that terrifies me and I can’t trust her to do it. [Therapist] said to just get on the small diving board if I don’t want to be in the ocean. I want to be in the ocean, but with Teresa. We talked about there being holes created in our relationship (for me, safety, support and trust), when I told her that we had other people fill those holes and [therapist] quickly said “no.” That the holes are still there. She said to be in the present and just see where things go. I love [son] too much to ruin his birthday.

Contact

Then I did the thing I’m most ashamed about. I had contact with Teresa again and told her I wasn’t going to continue with reconciliation.

I did this before I told my ex-wife. I had gone behind my ex-wife’s back and done to her what she did to me, and it still haunts me.

I don’t remember if I reached out to Teresa or she reached out to me. It was the first time we’d had any contact since the first time when I cut her off. But I told her that I needed some time to figure out how to sort my situation out and can’t be in communication. I was scared. Of my ex-wife. Of the impact to the kids. Of losing the marriage. Of seeing my ex-wife move on and be happy with somebody else. Of Teresa moving on and me losing the best relationship I’d had.

Weeks went by with me being too scared to do anything. Then one day I got an email from Teresa basically saying I had misled her, and she was moving on. I knew I couldn’t communicate with her until I had ended the reconciliation, so I didn’t. It was the week of my oldest son’s birthday and I didn’t want to ruin it. So, I let time pass and I was tortured. I hated the situation I got myself into. I hated the decisions that I had made to get there. And I only had myself to blame now.

Ending It

I was being eaten up alive inside. On one hand, I got to see my kids every day. My anger toward my ex-wife was subsiding and I was seeing her as a flawed person again and not my enemy. On the other hand, I loved somebody else. I didn’t love my ex-wife. I had hoped to start feeling those feelings again, but every day that went by, I had less hope for it.

It was Sunday, one day after my son’s birthday party. The kids were napping upstairs at my townhouse and she was doing a home workout in the living room. I was absolutely miserable and felt trapped. I couldn’t get myself to get up and do anything productive. I just sat there, like I used to when I battled depression. She saw it and asked a couple times what was wrong, but I shook it off. She didn’t ask follow-up questions, probably because she didn’t want to know the answer. But I also wasn’t communicating how I felt.

Finally, she sat down and asked again. I told her that I couldn’t continue with her. That I wasn’t in it like I hoped. She asked if I had contact with Teresa again and I said “yes” and explained how it happened. I offered to show her the message. She, rightfully so, got upset and went upstairs to shower. After her shower, she got dressed up, did her full hair and makeup, and was on her phone texting. She refused to talk to me and left right after the kids woke up from their nap.

She was crushed. I was crushed by what I’d done. My kids were crushed that she was leaving. I probably should never have tried the reconciliation. I probably shouldn’t have been dating after the divorce. And I certainly shouldn’t have allowed any contact with Teresa, even if she was confused by my wife and I time-boxing our reconciliation. Teresa shouldn’t have known about my plans not to continue before my wife. It was all wrong. And as I sit here writing this, I’m still upset at myself.

Hello, Donald!

My ex-wife and I still shared a cell phone plan. We were broken up. I had proved myself not trustworthy with her or ready to reconcile. But I also didn’t trust her. I still didn’t trust the fact that she worked with Donald and what happened to me the previous year couldn’t happen again (mostly the lying and emotional abuse, not the infidelity). So, the next day I checked our plan’s messaging (which I had done during the previous few weeks because I was worried), and sure enough, she had messaged Donald right after I broke up with her. While still at my house.

I broke up with her. She had every right to do what she wanted with whomever she wanted, but I felt slightly vindicated knowing that she was already going back to him. That door wasn’t closed shut like I would have needed 100% confidence it would be. But in her defense, at least she waited until we were done. Even if it was five minutes later.

Maybe, if I continued with reconciliation, she would never have talked to him again and we would have stayed married for the rest of our lives without her cheating again. Maybe. But I knew that every time she went away, out for the night, or on a work trip, I would struggle with that trust. And I’d be miserable. I wouldn’t be the confident husband she would have wanted. And now I felt like my fear, which was a big part of why I ended the reconciliation, was valid. While I should have ended it in an honest and upstanding manner, I felt like my decision to end it was the right one. We were both a mess, and we both still loved somebody else.

Despite being a mess, I was still deciding when would be the right time to call Teresa.

Reflecting Back

As much as I regret having contact with Teresa during our reconciliation, and there’s no excuse for it, I always answered every question my ex-wife had honestly. True honesty would have been telling my ex-wife without being asked. But it’s now been a few years and I can say this was the first and only time I have done anything like it. And it still haunts me because of what my values are and because I know how it felt to go through what I went through the prior year.

At first, I debated putting this in my story. It doesn’t feel good to admit it and I know it may likely piss off, and turn away, some readers. If that’s you, then you have every right to be upset and I appreciate you reading this far. But my goal isn’t to look good in every situation. It’s to reveal an honest telling of what my story has been, and hope that it can help others learn from my mistakes and feel comforted knowing they’re not the only one in a similar situation.

Through reflection, therapy, and time, I’ve realized why I tried to reconcile with my ex-wife now. Learning those reasons, and addressing them, marked the turning point in my healing and created the potential for healthy relationships going forward. And I’ll certainly write about that soon.

But first, I’ll write next about getting back with Teresa and how I eventually wound up in my second attempt at reconciliation with my ex-wife.

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