How I Started (the first) Reconciliation with My Wife After She Cheated and Left Me for a Coworker
This is part of a continuous story about finding that my wife was cheating on me and what happened after. If you want to see how the story started you can read about it in The Day I Discovered My Wife Was Cheating, see how it all imploded in The Third, and Last, Day I Discovered My Wife Was Cheating. How It All Ended, or anything in between by clicking my profile.
It was 9 months into being separated from my wife, who was still with Donald. I was 7 months into a new relationship. And while I was still in a world of pain from what happened in my marriage, I was getting a glimpse at what a healthy relationship with a compatible partner was like. This was my second serious girlfriend. My ex-wife was my first.
It was also 3 months into a global pandemic. We still didn’t know if Covid would be done in a couple weeks or kill us all by end of summer. Those seemed to be the only two options. We had sold our house. Selling the house and splitting the proceeds was a major weight off our coparenting relationship’s shoulders and within a couple months, we went from not speaking to each other to being nice again.
Getting Along
Meanwhile, we still had my youngest son’s second birthday and Easter to celebrate for the sake of the kids. Being early 2020, we were confined to celebrating those days as a “family” of four. We were living apart, but celebrated those days together so we didn’t have to be without the kids. My, girlfriend at the time, asked what it was like seeing my ex. My girlfriend and I were only seven months in, but very honest with each other about everything and I decided this should not be different.
I told what I felt. That seeing us get along again, while seeing other families around our community spend more time together made me miss the fact that we never got to really try being a family. It was going to be hard to look my kids in the eye one day and tell them there really wasn’t anything left in the tank. What was my girlfriend’s response?
You need to try being a family, then.
This woman was a saint. So let’s call her Teresa now to avoid confusion. We were in love, but I was conflicted. And the last thing I wanted to do was lie like I was lied to. We talked about it a few times and agreed on it before I approached the idea with my ex-wife (we were still legally married). I remember the day I asked my ex. It went something like this:
Me: “It’s been nice getting along.”
Her: “Yeah, it has been.”
Me: “Makes me miss our family. I’m sad we never got to really be a family.”
Her: “Me too.”
Me: “Have you thought about trying again?”
Her: “I’ve considered it. But I don’t know how it would be possible. There’s been a lot of hurt both ways and we’re both with other people now.”
Waiting
Somehow, probably not even that day, I told her I’d be willing to try it before our marriage was legally over. Here’s where the communication issues arose again. She said:
I’ll let you know.
Then weeks went by. Teresa (we were still together and I was still transparent) asked if we were going to try. I didn’t know. I’d asked my ex.
I’ll let you know.
But really, Teresa and I knew our relationship was winding down if this was something we were both okay considering. Not in a bad way, we got along great. It just meant that what was really needed to continue long term probably wasn’t there.
One day I got a call from my ex. I was in the garage. “Let’s try it. Can you find a therapist we can go to?” It was my job, I guess.
I told Teresa. This story isn’t about us, but long story short: we agreed on a parting date soon after, exchanged mementos, told stories and shared what we’d gained from each other, talked about how much we’d cherish our time we spent together, and parted unsure, but assuming we would never see each other again. I can’t explain how hard that parting was, but I knew I would never be able to be with her, or anybody else, if I had doubt in my mind about my divorce.
Reconciling … Maybe?
The day finally came. We had our first appointment with our new couple therapist. We had booked two to try out and this was our first one. We didn’t speak about the reconciliation, so I didn’t know how committed she was, but Teresa and I had parted ways. I told her that I we would try reconciliation and I’d probably know after a few weeks if we were continuing. But because my ex-wife and I didn’t speak about it (her choice), I had no idea what she had in mind or what level of commitment.
We got to the appointment and the therapist told us, “I can tell within the first few minutes if a couple is going to work out.” So what vibe did she get with us? She didn’t say. But she ended the session with “… and even if you don’t work out, at least you can work on your coparenting relationship.”
What Happened to Donald
My ex (or maybe now current) wife said that things hadn’t been going so well with Donald. They hadn’t had sex in a couple months, and she realized that she wanted to try our marriage again. I don’t remember if this all came out in this appointment or soon after, but some of the key cracks in her and Donald’s relationship were:
- He wasn’t great with money. All his furniture were hand-me-down, second-hand pieces that didn’t match. This was the first reason I heard. My initial thought and first crack for me was that if he was better with money, she might have stayed with him. It made me feel like I was being used for her comfort and for money. I’m nowhere near wealthy, but am financially responsible at least and after being annoyed about this, she missed it.
- She didn’t agree with the way he parented his autistic son and wondered how he’d parent our kids.
- He was envious of people. One of their friends got a promotion he had also hoped for. There were multiple openings, but he was very angry about not getting it, and that she was promoted, and sulked rather than congratulate her.
- After his wife moved back to their previous hometown, where her family was, he moved in with the friend who received the promotion above. He was such a bad house guest, that this friend later told my ex that she couldn’t stand him anymore. He didn’t clean, he was messy, and he refused to lock the house because “You shouldn’t care about material possessions.”
Oh, and they weren’t broken up yet and he didn’t know that we were discussing reconciliation. Or had started. Had we started? I still wasn’t sure. I asked when she was going to break up with him and she snapped back, “Soon. I don’t know a specific day.”
During this time that we were maybe reconciling and she definitely hadn’t broken up with Donald, we had dinner together with the kids, which wasn’t abnormal at this point. But (and this is honestly fuzzy), I don’t think we stayed at each other’s house. There definitely wasn’t any romance of any kind. There were a lot of big emotions being unpacked, it was awkward, and I wanted her and Donald to be done if we were going to reconcile. I remember the night before she finally did it (maybe a week after our first therapy appointment), I asked her to confirm:
Me: “So you’re seeing Donald tomorrow and you’re breaking up with him?”
Her: “I said yes.”
Me: “Ok, I just wanted to know that it was happening. It’s been a few days.”
Her: “I just don’t want to think about it. I’m about to go ruin somebody’s life.”
Bye Bye, Donny
I don’t know many of the details of the breakup. I know she came over and he thought they were going to hang out, go out, or something. I’m not sure. She told him she was breaking up with him. I don’t know what, if any reason, she gave him. She never gave me a reason. He said, “Well, there’s not much else to say.” And they parted quickly and coldly.
And that’s how I got my wife back from Donald. But it wasn’t anywhere close to over. In the next few posts, I’ll talk about why we didn’t work out again, why I ended it this time, what I learned about my subconscious motivations for reconciling with her, and the impact on our kids.
Oh, and the next time she lied about trying to get back together with Donald.
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