The Third, and Last, Day I Discovered My Wife Was Cheating. How It All Ended

This is part 6 in a continuing series about the story of finding out my wife was cheating on me. If you want to see how the story started, you can read the previous posts:

Part 1: The Day I Discovered My Wife Was Cheating Part 2: How I Caught My Wife Cheating. And What Happened When I Confronted Her Part 3: Our First Couple Therapy After the Affair Part 4: The OTHER Day I Discovered My Wife Was Cheating: Part 5: The Trial Separation

In The Trial Separation, I described the terrible timing of the separation and how my wife proposed it the night I gave my grandmother’s eulogy. It was now 2 weeks later and my wife was just as cold to me as ever. I still had not been able to hug her in over a month.

In the back of my mind, I think I knew things were coming to an end. But if there was even the smallest seed of hope, I was fighting to try and nurture that seed to grow. Her dad’s 65th birthday party was held the weekend after her stay at the AirBnB mentioned in the previous post. At the last minute, she asked me not to attend and said she needed some more distance to deal with her resentment toward me about how I could have been a better husband and done more to support her in the past. I complied and needed something to distract me. Not to mention some love from people that cared, because I was not getting it from my wife anymore.

Party Time

I drove a couple hours to my hometown to see my friends for lunch. I described this lunch in the section Telling My Friends in Here’s What My Depression Felt Like. In short, I opened up to them for the first time about my struggle with depression and the issues that my wife and I were having. None of them had known until now. I kept our issues secret and left myself stranded on an island for the sake of my wife until now.

She told her friends about our troubles. I’m not sure if, or how much, she talked about her infidelity, but I kept our troubles secret to not expose what she had done and possibly sabotage our chances of getting back together. I isolated myself to protect her and our marriage. And now she was isolating me from her family while everyone, except for me, were celebrating my father-in-law’s big birthday. I asked to her at least explain to them that it wasn’t my choice not to attend because I didn’t want them to think that I didn’t care. She said she would.

Side note: I saw her dad not long after and told him I was sorry that I didn’t make his birthday and I hope he understands that I wanted to be there, but was asked not to come. His response (while looking at his phone the entire time)? “Oh, I thought you just wanted to hang out with your friends.” “No, I did see them, but I would rather have been there with all of you and only saw them because I couldn’t come to your party.” “Well, you missed a good party.” She never told him and I looked like the asshole.

On the drive home the next day, I arranged to take my oldest son to his first movie. I would drive to her parent’s house on the drive home, see her and her parents real quick, say a belated happy birthday, and take my son (her parents lived an hour away and she stayed overnight). That morning, she asked me to wait to come until she was gone. I found a coffee shop, and waited until I got an all-clear text that she had left and I wouldn’t see her, then picked up my son and took him to the movies. He loved it. It was a bright spot in the darkness I was living through. I drove home, where my wife and youngest son were and went back to our awkward, cold family life.

Trial Separation Part 2

The next week, she arranged for a second trial separation. I stayed two nights at the same condo as I did in the first separation, and she would drive from work to the condo on day 3 so we could go four days without seeing each other. It was twelve long days after the movie with my son. On the day before, we had a couple therapy appointment, and the topic came up and I asked again if she had any feelings for, or missed, Donald. She said no, and like other times I asked about what really happened or if there was more, told me I was obsessive, paranoid and acting crazy.

On the first night she was scheduled to go to the condo, I picked up our kids from daycare and my youngest had broken out into rashes and bumps. He was only one year old and I was worried he might be having an allergic reaction to something.

Some context before the next call: After I caught her cheating for the first time four months ago, she told me to check her phone or location all I wanted. I eventually stopped and chose to trust her. But her recent behavior was suspicious and I had started checking again. That day, I saw she went to lunch. In the days before, I could see she went to suspicious areas, like a lookout spot during lunch. I knew what today’s lunch was. The normal Friday lunch all her coworkers went to, including Donald. The same weekly lunch referenced in part 1 that she hadn’t attended since then. But for some reason she did today.

I called her to tell her about the breakout and she said she was leaving work now, which was late for her, but she’d come by the house before the condo. I made a comment about how it was late for her and she said, “I went to lunch today.”

With the whole group?

Yes.

Was Donald there?

Yes.

You said you weren’t going to attend those lunches with him anymore.

I did.

Why? You didn’t tell me? You’ve been seeing and talking to him. haven’t you.

I’m not talking about this. I’ll see you when I get to the house.

It was 2 weeks before our family vacation and 6 weeks before our 8th anniversary. Surely, we’d make it to then.

When she got home and walked in, I asked her point blank.

You fucked him, didn’t you?

Her eyes welled up and she nodded yes silently.

I knew it. Back on that work trip [again, referenced in part 1]. I knew you did.

No, I didn’t then.

Then when?

At the AirBnB.

If you’re reading this right and read the last post, The Trial Separation, she had Donald over to the AirBnB we both paid for, in our neighborhood, days after my grandmother’s funeral, knowing that I was still grieving my grandmother, and my crumbling marriage. Days before she said in our couple therapy that not only were there no feelings, but that I was obsessive, paranoid and acting crazy for even asking. And now that she slept with him, she was attending lunches with him again without telling me. This felt malicious now. And obviously she planned all this while I was planning and writing my grandmother’s eulogy.

Fallout

I asked her about the sex. I don’t know why. I knew it would hurt more. Maybe I wanted to. Maybe I wanted to know what she did so it could hurt more and I could be more angry at her. Maybe I wanted to live through him for a bit since he was getting what I wasn’t. Maybe I wanted to know what the last sex in my marriage was like — even if I wasn’t there. Maybe it was just morbid curiosity. Whatever the reason, I’m glad she didn’t tell me. It wouldn’t have done any good, and I was not in the state to hear those details.

When I was a teenager, my favorite band broke up and got together about a year later. I was at that show and, on the last song, they asked somebody in the crowd to come up and play guitar. I got to play with my favorite band! I don’t remember much at all. A few key snapshots in my head, but the adrenaline rush fogged my brain. The next hour after I found out about what happened at the AirBnB was like that. But unlike my four-minute stint as a rockstar, this adrenaline-fueled brain fog had no happy feelings associated with it.

I know we got my son the care he needed via telemedicine and the kids went to bed. I remember telling her to decide who she wanted to be with. She went outside to talk to her mom, while I waited inside staring at the wall for 15 minutes. I didn’t realize it at the time, but now, in retrospect, I realize my mother-in-law knew about the ongoing affair. They probably talked about it on the two-hour drive to my grandmother’s funeral. The same day I surprised her dad by telling him I wanted to be at his birthday, my mother-in-law told me, “Everything happens for a reason. I know she might think the grass is greener on the other side and I can’t do anything, she has to make her choice.” This was at the time when I thought she wasn’t talking to Donald and I didn’t really understand what my mother-in-law was saying. Obviously, her mom knew some of what was happening.

After the call, my wife came in, I asked, “Are we done?” She nodded her head yes.

That’s it? No more dinners together? No more vacations? No more holidays?

I don’t remember if she even said anything back. I remember calling our couple therapist and telling her, that despite my wife saying there were no feelings toward Donald, they were in fact sleeping with each other. She was out at a restaurant and told my wife to read The State of Affairs over the weekend and not to make any decisions until our appointment Tuesday. She agreed, but wound up only reading about 50 pages. I did read it after I mentally recovered from the events about a year later, and it did actually help process things.

I asked her if she could wait until Tuesday and not contact Donald until then. She said, “Fine.” So I asked if she could tell him to leave her alone until then. She sent him a text and said that I know what happened and they shouldn’t talk until then. He responded, “You ok?” If I could have killed a man with the way I looked at that text, Donald would be where he probably deserves to be now.

The “man” who ruined my family was making sure my wife was okay?

After some failed convincing on my part, I left for the condo that night. I was not in a good state of mind to be with her. I was afraid if I kept the kids, she’d wind up in Donald’s arms that night, so I left until Tuesday. I called my brother on the drive to the condo. He listened to everything. I was done hiding details and protecting my wife. I could hear the quiet anger in his voice. I’ll never forget how grateful I was for how much he supported me during these months.

It’s Official

I didn’t talk to her other than a check-in on the kids until Tuesday. She was supposed to think about and decide what she wanted, while considering everything. I didn’t know what her decision was because I hadn’t heard from her. But the fact that I hadn’t heard from her told me what the decision would be. On Tuesday, I left work a little early to calm my nerves before our appointment and, after not eating much, decided it would be best to have food in me for the appointment. I went to Whole Foods and ate the most bland slice of pizza I’ve ever had. I’m sure the pizza was fine, but my senses were gone.

Then I drove down the street to our therapist’s office and arrived in the waiting room a few minutes early. My wife appeared not much later. We said “hi” to each other and sat across the small room without saying one more word. I looked at her a few times and she looked away or down at her phone. I knew what her decision was, but a part of me was holding out hope that maybe she was still undecided. When our therapist walked us into her office without any words said, my wife read a letter to me about how our marriage broke down long ago for her, that she wished I did something about my depression earlier, and that the events caused her to “have feelings” for somebody else. I remember how it ended. “And for that reason, it wouldn’t be fair to stay married to you.”

I was okay staying married and trying to work through those feelings.

But of course, she wasn’t. So it wasn’t for me that she was leaving as her letter indicated. It was for her. Of course, I shouldn’t have wanted to stay married to her then, but I did. And if you’re going through something similar, just remember, a quote by Maya Angelou: “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” If I would have believed my wife four months before this day, I could have saved a lot of heartache. Then again, I’m not sure I’d be who I am today if I didn’t go through what I did and overcome it.

I’m The Real Shady

I told her that I went to the bank that day and opened my own account without putting any money into it. I wanted it to be above board, but also protect myself from Donald or her taking anything else. My mom works in finance and had seen cases like that firsthand and warned me about it that weekend. I couldn’t trust us having mixed assets and wanted to split all our liquid money immediately. Her friend’s take on this? That I was shady and they couldn’t believe I did that.

You know what? Fuck those friends. They were the same group I had dinner with, played with each other’s kids, got to know, and were now happy that two of their friends from their work group were now together.

Anyway, my wife and I walked out to my car and sat in it while we decided on a custody schedule. Then we said, “See you at home.”

And that was that of our marriage.

Afterward: A Flashback

As I’m writing this story, I’m listening to Vampire Weekend and remembering that I was listening to their new album Father of the Bride a lot during this time. It was on in our house and my favorite song was This Life. It just happened to come on now as I’m writing. I remember being suspicious of her behavior, so I’m sure a subconscious part of me was sending her a message. Listening to the lyrics of this song playing in our house must have been torture for her.

Baby, I know dreams tend to crumble at extremes I just thought our dream would last a little bit longer There’s a time when every man draws a line down in the sand We’re surviving, we’re still living I was stronger

You’ve been cheating on, cheating on me I’ve been cheating on, cheating on you You’ve been cheating on me But I’ve been cheating through this life And all its suffering Oh Christ, Am I good for nothing?

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