The Fight, Fist, & Flow of Manhood
What are your fears in your relationship?
A clenched fist. It’s a classic symbol of strength, power, and triumph. It’s been used all the world over for over a century in protests, marches, and political struggles.
And yet in the day in and day out struggle of a man’s life — be it the fight to keep his marriage alive, the struggle to keep his kids happy, or the fight to be financially successful — that same clenched fist will exhaust a man’s strength.
That’s true because beyond a man’s vigilance is the constriction and voluminous energy expended to fight off what he fears.
In relationship, it’s his fear of rejection from his wife, his fear of his relationship failing, or his fear of his own inadequacies in the eyes of his partner.
What are your fears in your relationship?
A steady barrage of fears can cripple a man, leaving him in such a clenched state that he builds a tight armor around his heart.
And that armor protecting a man from danger — be it his partner’s ridicule, her sexual rejection, or the moment she says “I’m done with you” — can also make him weak.
If he’s real with himself, a man realizes that what he feared as danger was mere discomfort.
Until then, his clenched fist and armored heart become a way of life for him, a blinder that skews his vision of his beloved.
He sees threats where threats don’t exist — a tone in her voice when she asks him to take out the trash, a truth that cuts him when she says I’m not in the mood right now, or an initiative that upsets him when she doesn’t consult him on a big decision.
What threats do you protect yourself from with your partner?
In time, discomfort becomes his m.o., against which he never relaxes his grip.
The clenched fist, which was once a means of protecting against threat becomes the threat itself, resulting in exhaustion and confusion.
Let’s face it, we are men. We are taught to fight for what we want, what we believe in, and against what we fear losing.
What if instead of the fight you moved into something else?
Something more fluid. More relaxed. Less vigilant.
What if you loosened your grip? Freed yourself from neuroses?
And put yourself in a more flexible position to respond skillfully to all of life and relationships’ challenges?
What if you moved into a state of flow?
An ease. A trust. A way of relaxing with discomfort.
Don’t worry. That doesn’t mean you have to give up the fight altogether. You just have to know which battles to fight, like a seasoned wise warrior instead of a scared young buck.
When we as men loosen the clenched fist of control, we realize that we can deal with perceived threats in a more relaxed way, enjoy our partner, and not live in fear of her.
As we relax our grip, we invite more solid ground within ourselves. We augment trust, vision, and confidence.
But most men won’t do that, even if it means a greater threat of early death or heart attack. They fear too much losing control.
It’s only the rare guy who takes the risk to become his most relaxed, loving, and powerful self.
Are you that rare guy?
If so, discover how to be in relationship with a relaxed grip, flow, and love in the video below.
Being a man in relationship can be challenging. We’re not taught all this relationship stuff when we’re young.
Usually, we have to screw up a bunch first to get it. But if we’re screwing up and not learning, nothing changes.
Get help breaking down your relationship screw-ups, so that you can learn how to create the relationship you want with your partner.
Read more by Stuart Motola from The Good Men Project on Medium:
This post was previously published on stuartmotola.com and The Good Men Project.
About Stuart Motola
Stuart Motola is a men’s relationship coach who offers guys concrete strategies for how to get unstuck in relationship. With over 15 years working with thousands of men on their relationships and personal growth, Stuart utilizes a unique system that breaks the patterns that keep men tied up in frustrating relationships. Unlike many therapists and couples counselors, who can frustrate guys with excessive talking, Stuart focuses on explicit action. His unique process offers each man a clear and direct roadmap of progress to create lasting positive results.