The Few. The Proud. The Book Waiters and Nose Police

Library Work in the COVID Era

I am currently furloughed from the library where I’ve worked for 21 years. Which is probably a good thing. Because from what my fellow librarians tell me, library work is currently insane.

Everything that made the job a joy — the interactions with patrons, kibbitzing with your co-workers, and most important — the sense of being the heart of the community, where everyone was welcome and most people behaved well, is gone.

These days?

You’re either a book waiter, or the nose police. Often, you’re both.

Most library workers are helpful, accommodating and courteous by nature. That’s one of the many good reasons I left the practice of law two decades ago to take a job at my local public library.

I was done swimming with the sharks. I wanted to spend my days doing meaningful work, surrounded by bookish, caring people.

And for 21 years, I did.

Then COVID arrived.

These days, working at a public library means working behind plexiglass barriers, telling people that they can’t do what they’re used to coming to the library to enjoy. No meetings! No programs! No sitting in a comfy chair reading the newspaper! (All the furniture in the public spaces has been removed.) No browsing! No lingering! No hanging around to chat.

We aren’t a refuge any longer, the one place where you’re always welcome and you can stay as long as you’d like.

Now? Grab your books and get out of here! And keep that mask pulled up over your nose.

These days, librarians are busy pulling the books you’ve put on hold from the shelves and bringing them to the curb (being a “book waiter”) or endlessly enforcing masking requirements. (“Nose policing.” )

And? Phoning the police to remove patrons who freak out and start yelling and swearing when they’re told to wear a mask. Properly. Not around their damned chins.

I doubt that I will flourish in this environment.

I am a helpful, friendly person, but I have my limits. And, at 65, which puts me in a high risk COVID category?

I am reluctant to risk my life so that you can check out the latest Patterson.

Which could be why my employers, in their wisdom, are keeping me furloughed.

But when I am called back to work? Unless they’ve cured COVID, I anticipate multiple skirmishes with anyone (including a coworker) who isn’t wearing a mask properly or gets too close.

I’m thinking of carrying a little container of pepper spray. Maybe I’ll wear it on a cute little chain around my neck. Come too close without a mask? You get one warning. And if you don’t back off and put your mask on?

I plan to defend my space (and my health) by any means necessary.

Maybe I can carry a cattle prod. Or a large can of mace!

On second thought? Maybe it’s time to think about retiring.

(Update: Between the time this essay was written and published, my library cut me loose. The sentiments expressed in this essay may help explain their decision.)

( Writing Coach and editor Roz Warren writes for everyone from the Funny Times to the New York Times, and is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: A Collection of Library Humor, and Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library. If you want to buy inscribed copies or just want to say hi, you can reach her at [email protected])