The Drama Triangle, and Where We Exist in It
Are you a victim, a victimizer, or savior?
“I don’t do drama!” Sound familiar? I’ve said it more than once, unconscious of the fact that I was still creating it.
Anyone seeking to become more consciously aware, and to become truly present must understand the drama triangle and where they exist in it. Are we a Victim — frequently being taken advantage of, and someone for whom things often seem to go wrong? Or are we a Perpetrator (Victimizer), one who seeks out victims in order to take advantage of them and derive personal benefit? Or are we the Savior, who tries to rescue the victim and become a hero in their eyes? If we are willing to look deep enough, we will probably find that we have played a role in each corner of the triangle at different times in our lives.
The bad news is that each corner of this triangle exists completely in shadow.
Recently, an individual in my life broke yet another agreement with me. As an associate in my business, he was usually quite productive, but usually at the expense of others on the team, especially me. He was unwilling to look at this dynamic, nor own the disruptions he caused. Nor would he allow himself to be accountable for the negative outcomes that he created for the others on the team. As a top producer, he considered himself to be special and therefore above the rest of us with regard to following our processes.
Of course, I was the one who hired him, and for more than a decade I enabled his behavior. I could always rationalize that because he was a good producer, “I could be generous enough to tolerate his indiscretions.” Or so I thought. Occasionally, I would have had my fill with his behavior and an angry eruption would occur. Even after firing him once, I hired him back three months later in a supposed act of compassion. It didn’t take long for him to return to his old ways though, and resentment built once more. What I refused to see at the time was the fact that I was enabling him and his behavior.
After the last episode, things took another dramatic turn. Tired of seeing my boundaries repeatedly ignored, I finally chose to banish him from my life. But I was still holding onto an enormous amount of anger. Fortunately, I had a caring circle of mature men with whom to air my frustrations. It soon became clear that I had perpetuated my role as a victim by repeatedly allowing this person to violate my boundaries. What also became clear to me is that as a victim, I could then justify virtually any behavior, especially my punitive anger! In so doing, I moved squarely into the perpetrator corner. After all he deserved it! What wasn’t clear to me until my brothers reflected it, was how I had also enabled this man and continually attempted to save him from his own behavior, only to frustrate myself and again become the victim.
This vicious cycle went on for 12 years!
It was only through my own pain that I could begin to see the clarity of my role in this drama. As a man who seeks love and harmony in his life, how was it that I remained blind to this? The shadows of the drama triangle are insidious. Yes, remaining open-hearted while maintaining healthy boundaries can be very much like a tightrope walk. And it is essential we remain vigilant to the pitfalls of ignoring the unhealthy signals when they appear.
So, where are you in this scenario? Are you walking the tightrope between compassion and boundary failure, or are you on the secure footing of the landing? Or are you falling without a safety net? Is your compassion authentic, or are you enabling?
If you are enabling unhealthy behavior, you likely have a shadow rescuer. A rescuer is one who in general has great compassion, but due to early wounding in life, often felt powerless. Now as adults, they may have the resources to help other people in distress but have not developed the awareness to do so in a healthy, or healing way. It is not that compassion is unhealthy, but when it resides in shadow, meaning that there is a lack of awareness as to what causes the compulsion to want to rescue others, then the trip from rescuer to victim is a short one. Often, the one being rescued never asked for it, and may resent the inference that they cannot manage for themselves. Therefore, even the well-intended rescuer may end up on the receiving end of anger and resentment and again become a victim.
Are your boundaries firm while compassionate, or are they porous and fuzzy? If they are the latter, I can assure you that you are playing the victim, from there it is a very slippery slope into becoming the perpetrator, or victimizer. Whether overt or covert, most likely you are harboring unhealthy thoughts about how to react to being victimized. If there was abuse in your early life, it is not uncommon to become an abuser yourself. Round and round we go bouncing from one corner of the drama triangle to another.
If I believe myself to be a victim, chances are when somebody comes to me in pain, I will subconsciously see them as a victim as well. Then I will spring into savior mode, moving from one corner of the drama triangle to another. It is only when I free myself from this belief, that I free myself from the entire drama triangle. That is when I can truly be present for another. If my shadow motive for “being there” is to be seen as a savior, then I am really only being there for myself.
Fortunately, there are ways off this merry go round. Shadow work, or any type of deep process that brings awareness to the “why” behind our behavior sheds light on the syndrome. Doing the deep emotional work in exorcising the traumas that resulted in those shadows is essential. Generally, these were created as survival instincts and coping mechanisms necessary at the time that no longer serve us. Raw, brutal honesty with oneself is likewise essential. Only through complete ownership of our shadows can we begin to heal them. Healing our past, we can finally move away from acting as a Rescuer, Victim or Victimizer and rightfully claim the status of Victor, and our road to empowerment becomes unobstructed.
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The story was previously published on The Good Men Project.
About Robert Butler
Even as a child, Robert Butler was fascinated with the nature of consciousness. A practitioner of Bhakti Yoga and committed vegetarian since the age of 17, he embarked on a lifelong journey to help himself and others uncover the mysteries of life. After living in an ashram in his late teens through his mid 20s, he traveled extensively, and delved deeply into personal growth and healing work. For the past twenty-five years, he has run a San Diego based nonprofit that has supported three Bhakti Yoga ashrams and sustainable farm communities: Audarya Ashram in Philo, California, Sarahgrahi near Asheville, North Carolina, and Madhuvan in the Guanacaste region of Costa Rica. He is an author, spiritual counselor and senior staffer with the ManKind Project, as well as a volunteer mentor with the Boys to Men Mentoring Network. He lives in Encinitas, California.