The Day I KonMari’d My Facebook Page

I honored my truth and rediscovered my joy

As I mindlessly scrolled through my cluttered Facebook feed, I had to ask that million-dollar question.

Does this spark joy? ~ Marie Kondo

Hmm. Well, not really. Facebook doesn’t always spark joy. What’s missing? What could I do to make my experience more joyful?

Last year, I had to face my dysfunctional relationships in the Facebook community.

I read a hateful post from someone I knew in one of my 12-step recovery groups. I commented once, defending the famous person he had ridiculed for being transgender. I added my disappointment, wanting to believe someone in recovery would have acted with more empathy. Some publicly agreed with me.

I’m uncomfortable with so-called friends’ hateful or bigoted posts. I’m especially saddened by folks who jumped on the bandwagon on these threads and laughed at someone else’s expense. The ignorance and cruelty were almost too much for me to bear.

More was revealed about their character, and I can’t ignore that anymore. I’ve tried, and it’s not an honest appraisal of how I feel.

A couple of mutual friends sent me private messages and thanked me for standing up to the guy. I unfriended him and he blocked me. I’ve never heard from him again.

I’ll never forget that day.

I had to face the fact that not everyone in recovery is recovering in all aspects of their lives. They’re not always kind, and they’re not always healthy.

We are from a 12-step group. It’s not called “Well People’s Anonymous” for good reason. I’ve been strikingly naïve when it comes to my expectations of the people in our fellowship. I finally woke up, and I’m glad I did.

I’ve found beautiful, kind, thoughtful humans in these groups. I consider many of them my extended family. To be clear, most recovery folks are wonderful people. That’s why this situation was so heartbreaking.

Facebook convinced me that I needed this guy as a friend. Because he’s one of the “people I may know”, maybe they assume we’re actually friends in real life. and what does my brain do when I see we have 53 mutual friends? I want to connect.

But that’s not even true. If I were honest, I’ll bet at least 37 of those people aren’t really my friends either. Just because we share some common ground doesn’t warrant a Facebook or IRL friendship.

There’s another thing. I’m 47 years old and I’m not too lazy to type “in real life”. But we do that all the time on social media. There’s shorthand so we can engage faster and do more, more, more.

I’m not sure about other cultures, but Americans always want more. But is more better? When it comes to collecting online pals, and in real life, I don’t think so.

So I started to cull my friends list.

I had to clear my Facebook clutter or delete it altogether. It’s still hard for me to imagine deleting my page at this point when I’ve invested so much time and energy. I have a bazillion amazing photos and over 10 years of creative blurbs I want to access. Now I use Facebook for Medium connections and want it for marketing my business.

But I don’t need all of those people who zap my energy and don’t contribute to wellness and love in my ever-expanding internet world.

Online relationships need to be cleared just like items in our home.

I needed to KonMari my Facebook friends.

Marie Kondo, author of the best-selling book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, has asked the perfect question. Her method of tidying, a blend of Shinto and feng shui principles, is the simplest way to clear unwanted clutter from your life. She named the process “KonMari”, after her last/first name.

After bestowing gratitude for the house and everything in it, she gets down to business. She’s polite but relentless. If something doesn’t bring you joy, it needs to leave.

Now that she’s become a worldwide sensation, we might flippantly throw out all our crap, proclaiming it didn’t spark joy and it had to get the f**k out of our house. Let’s toss those unwanted bills, people joke.

It’s not far from the truth. I needed to take out anything that no longer felt joyous. And I needed to do it yesterday. Why did I hold on as long as I did?

I felt overloaded by drama and too much information coming at my face when I scrolled. And scrolled. And scrolled again.

Yes, we will have that conversation next. You know, the one about Facebook being set up to feed our addictions. I’ll have to talk about that, because it’s part of the problem.

There’s a lot of noise on social media.

Your brain and eyes can’t settle down on one thing at a time for too long. Your interest piqued, your curiosity sparked, you could endlessly scroll away for hours. If you’re prone toward addiction like me, it might be hard to put your phone down once you’ve started.

It’s no wonder we’ll find random people to fill that void. Even healthy folks have a void to fill sometimes. At least Facebook would like you to believe that. There are so many eye-catching tricks to tease you and lead you to make impulsive choices, like add someone because you might know their sister’s best friend’s cousin.

I had to stop that nonsense.

I didn’t want to engage with people who don’t share or respect my values. I wanted to step into my truth and own it.

I’ve had to consider the distinction between public connections like Facebook and the joy of a loving, well-cultivated friendship.

I could just keep going on with the status quo, with 1,000+ online connections, some deeper than others, some that include people I know in “real life”.

But that’s the thing. What is “real life”?

If I call people in my peer group/small social circle, I’ll get a text back, or no response, from most of them. Or I’ll see a “like” on my photos but never hang out.

I don’t have time to mess around. If you want to be my friend, let’s hang out. If not, I need to move on.

I don’t fool myself, I know when a person is just an acquaintance, or when we’ve moved apart for some reason or another. Friendships fade. But whatever happened to closure? If that’s what’s happening, I think we need to start talking about it instead of leaving someone to guess what’s wrong.

Then there are new friends I’ve met online or in other meeting places who could be potential deep connections if we took time and effort to get together. I’m also overwhelmed by that, because there are so many people to meet.

No wonder I don’t get calls from people anymore. We’ve created a much too “busy” world.

I like a lot of people and want to spend time with them; but now that we have social media, I give so much attention to this little screen and we don’t end up actually seeing each other unless it’s by happenstance.

Don’t get me wrong, I love synchronistic, spontaneous meetups. But is that how we’re living now? People used to make dates with each other, then follow through.

I do appreciate being able to make friends on social media. I think of a few friends who I’ve met online, and they’re amazing. I’d like to continue that kind of relationship as well. We will eventually meet in person, and that’ll be awesome. I’m talking to you, Ms. Julie Beckwith.

But the question still remains. Will we be able to maintain actual live friendships when there’s no more Facebook to feed?

I once read an article about Facebook, emails, and smartphones taking away the labor we used to engage in.

For example, address books and sticky notes for personal information and planners for upcoming birthdays and events. Phone calls were the norm, because we had no other choice. Sending cards and letters through the mail were anticipated and cherished.

I’m mostly speaking to my generation and the ones that follow, as I notice that my parents still connect this way.

I’m a little disappointed.

I feel the need to step up and back into the world of doing the worthwhile labor that deepens relationships with friends and family. I’m committed, yet anticipate the ensuing sadness that will inevitably come from the loss of those people who don’t make the effort with me.

I deleted all Facebook “friends” who don’t resonate with my values in such a way that I’m put off by what they shared.

I’m all for respectful dialogue with those who differ in the way we see the world, but I have limits and boundaries that take precedence in this particular kind of forum.

I also watch how unhealthy I’ve become with my utilizing such online forums. I get sucked into a debate with hundreds of other people with opinions. I’m tired.

Furthermore, it’s important to recognize my need to lead others into a lighter place of being. Not everyone is willing or able to take that flight. I’d rather share my experiences on my page and let people accept my offerings when they’re ready.

A final note

I found that once I deleted nearly 300 people from my friend's list, I invited more real-life, healthy friendships back into my life. I discovered joy in a simple phone call. I started actively listening again.

I felt less attached to my Facebook feed. When I scrolled, I saw all the people I cherish, having babies, going back to school, going on adventures.

I decided to step away from some people because we no longer resonate with each other, or we never did. I love them and honor their path, although it might differ from mine.

I started getting honest about everything else in my life. Why hold onto old relationships? If they don’t work anymore, it’s time to say goodbye.

By deleting Facebook contacts, I found new freedom to live my truth and find joy. For that, I’m most grateful.

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