The dating rules that are holding you back

Still waiting for the right person to come into your life? These are the dating rules that may be holding you back.

by: E.B. Johnson

The journey to find “the one” is an exciting venture for those who choose to undergo it. We move through life connecting with an array of people, all in an attempt to pinpoint what we want from life and the relationships that fill space in that life. We go through ups and downs, failures and success. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. Ultimately, it comes down to our realization of self and the way in which we choose to bond with others.

Are you still struggling with the dating scene? Do you keep falling for the same toxic partner? Or find yourself stuck in the same toxic cycles? Your dating beliefs could be to blame. When we allow outdated perspectives to affect the way in which we go about establishing a partnership, it can take a serious toll on the quality of our bonds. Being happy together requires a certain knowledge of one another, but also a certain knowledge of self. Until you know who you are and what you want, it’s impossible to build something long-lasting.

Rules should be flexible and growth worthy.

There’s a common tendency to set some ground rules for yourself when you’re in the deep end of the dating pool, and that’s okay. These rules work a bit like boundaries, and can help us safeguard ourselves from those who would hurt us, take advantage, or otherwise provide something we don’t need. When these rules are outdated, though, or otherwise built along someone else’s standards of intimate happiness — we run into serious problems and divisions that leave us with emotional scars for years to come.

In order for us to establish relationships that are worthwhile, we have to set boundaries and rules that are flexible and growth worthy. Times have changed, and they are always changing. Likewise, we are often in a state of growth and transition as well. Our dating rules need to reflect who we are in that moment of time, and they need to be able to change with us.

Stop clinging to some outdated ideals that were passed down to you by a parent, a coworker, or some obscure rom-com you watched one time in high school. Life isn’t like a movie, and our lives aren’t the same as the lives of our parents or even our friends. We’re all living different realities, so we need to get clear on what means the most to us and then create dating boundary lines that reflect those needs. Want to find better ways to navigate the dating world? Reassess the hangups that might be holding you back.

Outdated dating beliefs that are holding you back.

As we move along through life, we have a number of experiences which inform the beliefs we hold and act on. These beliefs touch on everything, especially our intimate relationship and the way we bring partners into our lives. Are you struggling to connect or stay connected? Your outdated dating beliefs may be the root cause of your battle.

Making the first move

Are you someone who thinks that the other person should always make the first move? Do you drop a few subtle clues and then expect them to do the rest of the work? This is an old-world belief that doesn’t really stack up when you’re looking to build an equitable and honest partnership. If you want the other person to know that you care for them, you have to tell them and you have to do so directly (through action and deed).

Give them a shot

Perhaps one of the most outdated dating beliefs that lands us in hot water is the idea that you should always give someone who’s interested in you a chance. This is backed by the concept of “kissing a lot of frogs” or upping your odds by upping the number of hands you play. The problem here, though, is that it’s a massive waste of time when you’re committing yourself to people who you know aren’t right for the ultimate future you want to lead. It’s better to be alone and happy than coupled and miserable.

Avoid talking politics

If you came from a certain school of belief, then may have been taught at a very young age not to talk politics with someone that you’re dating. The idea here is to avoid “unpleasant” subjects that might drive the other person away. Politics, though, (along with things like family expectations and past) are important indicators of who we are and what we believe…something which is important to align with someone we’re going to open up to completely.

Make yourself unavailable

There’s a cliche belief that — when getting to know someone new — we should make ourselves unavailable in an effort to seem more desirable. A juvenile tactic meant to manipulate, this is a bad precedent to set for a potentially good relationship. What you should do is play things naturally. Be available when you’re available and make room when it’s important. Otherwise, maintain your normal schedules and habits and don’t over or under compromise in an effort to establish your ego (over affection).

Abstain from sex

We all have the right to control our sexuality, and we all have a right to follow the belief systems and cultural standards that we want. There is something to be said for being fully vulnerable with our partners, though, as we go about determining our alignment with one another. Sexual compatibility is a big part of that. If sexual intimacy is important to you, are you sure your potential partner is compatible with your needs? Abstaining from sex can be an outdated belief system to follow when physical closeness is crucial to you.

Imbalanced effort

What level of effort do you put into your relationships? Are you someone who believes that one partner should carry more of the physical or emotional burdens than the other? This is an outdated way of thinking and one which can get you trapped in a number of toxic relationships with toxic people. To build partnerships which are fulfilling and worthwhile, we have to come to on another as equals and share the pressures and responsibilities of life together.

Playing hard to get

Although movies and television have touted the power of playing hard to get, it’s really a waste of time when you look at the bigger picture. Forcing someone to chase you can be a sign of insecurity and low self-esteem. Rather than just being honest and up front about the way you feel (or the way you’d like the other person to feel) you create complex games meant to validate your self-worth or sense of external validation. It’s juvenile when you could be spending that time coming together.

How to develop healthier dating habits.

It’s not necessary for you to cling to dating habits and beliefs that don’t suit you. You can go about finding the right person for you by re-establishing your self-esteem and gaining clarity on what means the most to you. Know what you want from love and then communicate those needs with the people who capture your interest or your heart. Little-by-little these habits will lead you closer to the person you can call your own.

1. Build a base of self-esteem

Without a base of self-esteem, it’s hard to build a life that is authentically our own. Our self-esteem allows us to believe in ourselves, but it also allows us to invest in the worth of our needs and dreams. For you to build a relationship that perfectly aligns to your idea of true happiness, you need to believe in your right to thrive and your right to say “no” and stand beside your boundaries.

Quit chasing love and romance for a moment and focus on yourself. Are you confident in who you are and what you want? Are you able to accept both your weaknesses and strengths? We need to have a high level of self-esteem to successfully navigate the egos and intentions of other people.

Believe in yourself. Question who you are and question everything that you want. You have a right to happiness that is built on fundamentals you believe in. You deserve to meet your needs and have your needs met. Accept all of these things. Embrace every aspect of who you are and fall in love with yourself (the weak parts and the strong parts too).

2. Know what you want from love

Once you have a solid base of self-esteem and self-love to launch from, you can figure out exactly what you want from love and an intimate relationship. Rather than one single answer, this is a series of answers which we discover through a process of internal digging. We have to question our current relationships, our past relationships, and all the experiences that fed into the beliefs we’ve formed across the years.

Find yourself a space in your journal and spend some time writing out all the things you need and want from a relationship. Be realistic, but be honest too. If you want someone who is home all the time and emotionally available — you need to admit to that, rather than pretending you’ll be happy with someone who doesn’t have what you need.

Don’t rush this process or expect the answers to come to you overnight. Once you think you know what you want, you need to question those needs. Where did they come from? Are they fair to you and do they move you positively toward the future? Look to your past. What patterns have informed the beliefs that have led you into love in the past? Shed those things which are not related to your core happiness, and those things which are toxic or outdated.

3. Be candid and upfront early

No relationship can thrive when the partners involved keep their truth selves hidden. We have to communicate with the people that we love, and we have to be honest with them when we do. This applies to every stage of our relationship with them, including the earliest days when we’re just getting to know one another. We have to be candid and upfront early on in the partnership so that we ensure we’re aligned and moving in the same direction.

Waiting until you’re deeply invested in someone is too late to have the tough talks. You need to be upfront about the things you want, including the things you need from your career, your family, and the people who surround you in life and in love.

If you’re comfortable enough being physical with someone, then you should be comfortable enough having the serious talks that matter. You don’t have to reveal your entire life story to them at once, but you should be clear about the goals and aims you have that would touch on their potential life with you. If you don’t want children — tell them before you get intimate or plan a wedding. Want a career that

4. Don’t settle for less than you want

One of the most crucial mistakes we make in any relationship is that of settling for less than we want and less than we deserve. We do this for a number of reasons. For some it comes down to the pressure of society, their religion, or even their families. For others, settling comes down to low self-esteem and a tragic history of toxic relationship patterns and dysfunctional connections.

In order to be happy, we have to stand strong next to the core values and needs which correlate to our lasting fulfillment and gratification. Allowing yourself to settle down with someone who makes you miserable isn’t noble. It’s planting a toxic seed in a fresh garden. It’s only capable of producing rotten fruit.

Knowing what you want, you can better navigate picking partners, spouses, or even friends who align with your deeper truths. You don’t have to settle for someone who doesn’t make you happy. You don’t have to rush into a relationship to display value to the world, or find belonging. We can find the same love and appreciation in all of our relationships and in deeper acts of altruism. Don’t settle. Stand strong and say no when they aren’t right for you.

5. Embrace and enforce your boundaries

There can be no successful relationship (and no happy partners) without the establishment of well thought-out boundaries. Our boundaries are the limit lines by which we express our needs, our wants, and the things we expect from the people around us. Not only are they a healthy thing to have in every relationship, they’re a necessary thing. We have to be faithful to ourselves and protectors of our wellbeing and happiness.

Determine what is absolutely acceptable and unacceptable in a partner. What behaviors are you not willing to put up with? What belief systems are absolutely incompatible with your own? Use these answers to lay the boundary lines and the “no-go zones” that will protect you from toxic partners or those whose futures conflict with your own.

Knowing your boundaries isn’t enough, though. You also have to communicate them and enforce them. Once you’ve found someone who you’re interested in connecting with, communicate your boundaries clearly and explicitly. Don’t leave any room for misinterpretation. Be honest and clear as you share where the lines lay with you. If they can’t respect those boundary lines, have enough self-respect to walk away and find someone who will.

Putting it all together…

When it comes to navigating the dating realm, we can find ourselves setting some rules and boundaries which hurt us more than help us. Clinging to outdated or ill-fitted dating beliefs can leave us miserable and misaligned with someone who can’t meet our emotional needs. Instead of settling for less than we deserve, we have to be clear on what matters to us in life and love — and then pursue it with honesty and commitment.

Build up a solid base of self-esteem and allow this self-esteem to bolster your ability to invest in and believe in your needs. You have a right to be happy within a relationship that’s aligned to your values, morals and happiness. Take some time figuring out what you want from love and be specific. Envision your perfect partner and be realistic. Once you find someone you’re interested in, communicate with them early and often. We have to talk things out in order to get clear and get on the same page. If it becomes clear that someone doesn’t have what you need, have enough self-respect to walk away and avoid settling for something that makes you unhappy. Set boundaries for yourself (and others) and then ensure you enforce them. We can find the right person to fulfill our need for connection, but we have to stay strong, clear, and committed to what matters.